| Straight
from the holler.
by "Buck" February 2, 2006 I'm not sure what day this will run on the WVSR, but I'm pretty sure Mr. Kay will add it during the week of Groundhog Day. Therefore, as a tribute to Pennsylvania's second best-known citizen (we all know who's first) I give you further evidence that you can find anything…including sound files of a ground hog on the internet. If you listen close to the first audio file, I can sort of imagine that's what it sounds like when Nostrils dons the heels, mask, and leather harness on Saturday nights….but I digress.
Could somebody please put out a wanted poster for winter? Here in Charleston, the average temperature for our just completed month of January has been around 65. It's a clear sign that either the fruitcakes on this global warming jag are on to something (doubtful) or we're near the bitter end of it all. Last fall, I being the astute groundskeeper that I am, planted the flower beds with bulbs, now they're all coming out of the ground, the bastards. They're all going to fucking die!
I failed to tell you guys I received this little gem for Christmas from my parents. The shorter one on the stand is the one I now have positioned in the garage. That sucker will hold some meat let me tell you. I've been loading the thing with raw flesh, marinated in a host of spices and oils. I have packs and packs of jerky to chew on through the night as I'm taking in the latest episodes of 24, NCIS, CSI, and House. Good stuff I tell you—and one of the best Christmas gifts I've ever received.
I've narrowed my television viewing habits largely to those four shows. Jack Bauer (Keiffer Sullivan's character on 24) is quickly becoming the new John Wayne. The guy is an ass kicker. He takes shit from nobody. The other night he grabbed the PRESIDENT'S CHIEF OF STAFF…with the president in the room after identifying him as a mole who had helped terrorist gain access to nerve gas. He stuck a knife blade in his face while holding his throat and told this dickless pussy to give up the Intel or he would cut out his eyeballs. Holy shit that's good!!!! NCIS has an interesting lineup of characters as well. I'm a latecomer to this one—but it's grown on me and has become a Tuesday night must see. CSI is always great…anytime a former Vegas stripper is a born again forensics investigator you know it's stretch television—but it works for me. Finally, House has been preempted for the past week or two by that American Idol bullshit. I hate that fucking show…and I hate those dumbass reality shows. However, once things are re-railed, Dr. House will be back to being the smartest guy in the room while simultaneously being the smartassiest guy in the room.
It's been a long time since I was pulled over by a cop…so I must have been due. Last week I got pulled over TWICE in a half-hour. A deputy initially pulled me over for a broken headlight (the bulb was burned out). It was 3:30 in the morning and he probably assumed I was drunker than a sailor on shore leave. When he realized I wasn't— he gave me a warning citation and told me to get the thing fixed. Before I made it to work—a Charleston police officer pulled me over for the same offense. I showed him the warning I'd just received and he was cool. Damn, do I look suspicious? I mean—it's a broken headlight for Heaven's sake.
Speaking of run-ins with the law, a friend of mine was recently pulled over for doing 90 miles an hour on the interstate…..by a CONSERVATION OFFICER. For those who don't know, these are what game wardens are called in West Virginia. When he asked for her license, she told him she didn't hunt or fish and didn't have one….he was not amused and wrote the ticket. Ouch.
Remember that little girl that fell down the well in Texas, Jessica McClure. She's getting married. She's now 19. Her new hubby is 32. WTF? Was my reaction….but it becomes a little clearer when you consider in three or four years she'll come into a one-million dollar windfall…part of a trust fund set up while she was stuck in that hole and everybody was flinging money at her case. I often wonder if she would have grown up a normal kid if that had happened today. Back in 1987 wall to wall cable coverage was in its infancy….the story was really the genesis of CNN…today we'd have Anderson Cooper standing there interviewing the Mayor of the town about the upcoming Gourd Festival and inviting him to come back and be the grand marshal of the cushaw parade. Then Oprah would be interviewing the family and asking them probing questions like, "How does it feel to know you nearly let your child die by failing to fill that hole with concrete?" Of course Hard Copy would show up with video of the receptionist who worked in the office that Jessica's parents got their taxes done and it would be revealed they took a deduction for vinyl floors in their kitchen. Katie Couric would interview the guys who'd been digging for the little girl and saying things like… "I know you're busy trying to save a child stuck in the ground, but could I just ask you what it's like to be buried alive?" Perhaps I'm a little cynical about news coverage these days.
Buck Out |
