Hey, I just saw on TV the Olympics are starting… Yeah, who gives a shit?

Speaking of former Olympic figures, I caught sight of Tonya Harding on TV the other night, goodness-gracious time has NOT been good to her. I remember her looking like this. Here’s how she looks today. Whoa, white-trash living will not keep you in figure skater shape, that’s for sure.

I can tell I’m getting old in that I used to watch the figure skating to see tight asses in a leotard. I just can’t do that any more. Shit—the competitors were born AFTER I graduated from college. Sigh, one more reason to say the Olympics—who gives a shit. I’ll probably watch them out of a weird curiosity about games which make no sense, but it just isn’t the same anymore.

The winter Olympics are a real spectacle for a country boy. Where I grew up, we never heard of figure skating or hockey. The first time I went ice-skating was in Gatlinburg. I sucked. 

The next time I tried this ridiculous ritual was during an outing in Morgantown some 20-years later. I still sucked, but this time I was exposed to a group of young hooligans who played midget league hockey. In an effort to appease the desires of some girl for whom I had feelings, I was making a complete fool of myself. I was a 320 pound lummox attempting to skate like Bambi around the ice. I continued to fall down and wobbled with every move. These little shits, ranging in age from 10 to 13, kept flying up to me and turning their skates in such a way to spray me down with ice shavings. Then, as I attempted to collect myself, they would have a big laugh as they easily would escape. 

This ritual went on for about five times until I finally had enough. The next time I got to my feet, I put one hand on the wall and deliberately went down on one knee. I feigned a fall and struggle, so as to attract another hit-and-run attack. They bit. Here came the whole collective crew in full asshole mode. The first skated by me at full speed, just missing me and saying hurtful things. I let him go as the next shitmonster came in to duplicate the feat. This was his Waterloo. 

Just as he passed by, I jumped to my feet and extended my arm in a clothesline fashion. He never saw it coming. I caught him squarely under the neck and body slammed him to the ice. He lay on his back stunned. Bracing myself against the wall I placed the blade of the skate on my right foot on his throat. Who’s the pussy now? His friends had gathered around staring in horror and disbelief. One came closer and yelled, “You can’t do that!” 

His Waterloo, because he came within arm’s reach. I grabbed him with my free hand by the throat and slammed him against the wall, threatening to kill both of them right there on the ice. I was putting on a very good act and had that wild animal look in my eye of a crazed escapee from a freak farm. I was screaming, cussing, frothing at the mouth. My eyes were watering and I was turning red as my temples throbbed incessantly like they would explode at any moment. The other three or four were turning shades of pale and nearly wetting their pants. I moved my face less than an inch from the one pinned against the wall and said the following—keep in mind it was 15-years ago so I’m paraphrasing a little here.

“I could kill both of you little shits with a twist of the wrist and ankle. I’m pissed off and crazy enough to do it. I didn’t know you until tonight—but now I know your names, your addresses, and every move you make every day. I’m going to be watching and when you go to bed tonight—don’t be surprised if I’m hiding in your yard waiting for you to go to sleep. I don’t want to see you or your pussy friends within a hundred feet of me again unless I’m carving your skull like a peach.”

I saw them changing into shoes and leaving about five minutes later. I’m sure they told their parents, but I didn’t care. I would have pulled the same shit on them if I had been confronted. Yeah, I know I could have been arrested for threatening kids…but who was going to believe me against these hooligans who had been causing havoc on the ice all evening? A crowd gathered to watch this whole thing—and after I released the two, I got a round of applause and they were teased by their friends. I’d guess I’d have about three dozen witnesses who would vouch for me…so fuck ‘em.

Yeah, I hate the Olympics—and winter sports. I have similar stories about my first time skiing, but that will have to wait for another day.

Buck Out