| Straight
from the holler.
by "Buck" January 26, 2006 Did you ever know anybody who couldn't say bad news aloud? Take my mother for instance. This will be a conversation over dinner.
"Did you hear about Mary Wentworth?" Then she will whisper "cancer."
This sort of quirk in communication drives me nuts. Speak up, say the word, and get the story out….be loud and proud. I mean if you're at the dinner table and you're spilling the beans, say it loud and proud. "LEANNE GOT PREGNANT ON PROM NIGHT!"
When our family gets together, it's not quite as spectacular as a visit by Nancy, Nostrils, and the Brood..but we have our moments. Most of my family is politically to the right, with the exception of my sister who's somewhat of a liberal. She's not quite Nancy—that role is played by my Aunt and Uncle. These two worked in the Foreign Service and were real active in the 60's. They also retired from the EPA. They are staunch environmentalists who think every lump of coal taken from Mother Earth is a crime worthy of testicular freeze drying. You can see how well that plays at family reunions when members of the extended family are all around and earn a living bringing the black gold from the bowels of the earth. There are often some very heated conversations.
The worst may have been about 10-years ago. My cousin Donnie is a coal miner and isn't ashamed to admit it. He was going on and on about working deep in the mines and usually "doubling back" on Friday night. For those of you who are not from coal country, I need to stop here and explain the term "doubling back." It's a reference to working a full eight hour shift, then working a second eight hour shift afterward. The second shift is overtime—in which you earn time-and-a-half pay. You go home after that second shift—then return later the same day to the mines to work your regularly scheduled eight-hour shift…but still within the same 24-hour period. You are therefore "coming back to double your daily work load" or "doubling back". That third shift is a gold mine in that you earn DOUBLE TIME on your paycheck. Lots of guys like doing this on a holiday or their birthday, because that earns you TRIPLE TIME!
Okay, Donnie doubled back every Friday to give his already robust paycheck a little boost. My aunt and uncle took great offense to this capitalistic approach to life and told him he should be ashamed to be part of a system that pollutes the atmosphere, destroys Mother Earth, and doing it all for money. Donnie wasted no time in saying… and I quote. "Why don't you shut the fuck up!?" I'm pretty sure it was a rhetorical question, but Uncle Tom insisted on answering and being a stalwart to his environmental protection tendencies. He started spouting a standard liberal diatribe about ozone depletion, blah blah blah….He was about 30-seconds into his Ivory Tower address when Donnie reared back and slugged him in the jaw. Uncle Tom is all of 110 pounds and tried to retaliate. Wrong move. Donnie launched on him and damn near killed him in the yard. Chaos ensued. People were screaming, cuss words were flying, dogs were sleeping with cats. I remember I just sat there next to my dad in a chair and we ate our hotdogs and watched the whole thing without moving a muscle. Sometimes family is better than TV for entertainment.
There's a home video somewhere of the incident which we pull out for fun from time to time. My uncle is also an alcoholic. He has a bad habit of getting shitfaced and trying to kiss all the women in the family. He kissed my brother's wife on the mouth on the day of their wedding. I thought my brother was going to kick his ass. This has to be a Yankee trait. When did it become acceptable to plant a kiss on a woman as a greeting—especially a woman you've never met. I'd never have the balls to do that. But I'm forever seeing people meeting each other, hugging, and kissing. I'm really uncomfortable with it all. Normally, when I meet a woman for the first time…I just nod or tip my baseball cap to her. Am I behind the times? Is it acceptable to plant a wet willy on her? Some of you more cultured folks need to help me out on this one.
Another interesting home video we have in our collection is that of one of the family kids running around the yard playing. However, it's the audio that is the most entertaining. As the video was shot, my cousin Ralph and some guy who married another distant cousin are having a discussion nearby about a recent criminal case that was in the paper. You can't see them, but there's no mistaking Ralph's voice. He says quote, "They had 'em on a man act up 'er in Russell County. Said he had some little girl tied up and gonna rape 'er." This is the commentary over a three year old prancing barefoot through the yard. Is it any wonder I'm all screwed up?
Buck Out |
