We are horrible as a breed of people. The classic example that drives home this point came last night when I was flipping through the various garbage channels on television and came upon Fox News. They had a split screen with an airplane flying on one side and a collection of fire trucks assembled on the other. As I listened, I learned in about 30 seconds that this plane had a busted landing gear and was going to have to make an "emergency" landing. The commentators had been talking for about 3-hours while this thing circled over the L.A. airport. They were waiting for it to land, no way in Hell they were missing a moment of this boring plane circling. One of the goofs commented, "Well we certainly hope this works out for the best." Why the fuck must that be said? First of all, isn't that understood? Second of all—you're a fucking liar!!! The cable news channels were all secretly hoping the thing would come down and explode into a ball of fire, cartwheel across the runway, the freeway, and through a crowded shopping mall. Don't tell me that wasn't what was swirling in the backs of their tiny minds. Oh you know it was.

Here's something you don't find in your daughter's room every day.

I was thinking the other day about Godfather's Pizza. When I Googled them I found they have locations all over West Virginia…some within minutes of my house. I wondered why I had never noticed them. Turns out, they're now the pizza that's self-serve in a lot of convenience stores around here. What a fall from grace. I remember growing up we were on a trip somewhere—I can't recall where—but I saw a Godfather's pizza delivery vehicle. It was a hearse! What an awesome marketing concept. I got the hook even at the tender age of about six. Of course I was just dumfounded at the concept of food being brought to your door by the restaurant. The first time such a service came to our town—I worked for them. Yes I was a Domino's Pizza Delivery Man….I'll tell you more about that in an upcoming column. Anyway, how does an apparently respectable establishment with the whole mafia theme go from that to selling by the slice from under a heat lamp at Citgo? Do they still operate the dine-in operations as they once did? Have they been crushed by the corporate tycoons? Was there some "leg breaking" in the pizza biz and now the Godfather's operation is wearing the concrete pants? That's a shame. I loved the hearse delivery idea.

Speaking of hearses.... My dad was telling me when he was in college at the University of Tennessee in the early 1960's a bunch of his buddies bought a hearse for 50-dollars from a junk yard. Using brushes, they painted one side white and the other side orange and drove it to New Orleans for the Sugar Bowl. Tennessee was playing Texas—so they painted "Texas RIP" on the side. Apparently they got to the Big Easy and the thing broke down. So they left it parked on the street and took a bus home. Classic.

Another hearse story, a guy in our high school had more money than he had sense—or at least his parents did. They bought him an old hearse and had it restored. It was painted yellow with a red stripe. One night he cruised through the parking lot of Hardees. I was seated at a booth eating a Big Roast Beef and overheard a conversation between two old men in the next booth. They apparently spied the hearse and began discussing it. One of them commented he'd like to have the thing so he could DRIVE TO SOUTH CAROLINA TO PICK UP A LOAD OF TOMATOES!!!!!! The other guy said he'd be uneasy riding in that thing because it was probably full of "haints." (A translation for you city folks, that's the way elderly hillbillies refer to ghosts.) Again, Classic.

People here in West Virginia—and in the Appalachian region in general have a way of recycling that was practiced well before it became trendy and fashionable. The hearse examples are just one. When school systems decide to sell old buses here—the auctions are lively affairs. It's not uncommon to see school busses in campgrounds, repainted, and retrofitted with beds, stoves, and full on kitchenettes. Give a West Virginian a welding torch and it's amazing what they'll come up with. (Jeff Kay excluded of course). Check out these examples: here and here and here.

Amazing ain't it?

Buck Out