Holy
crap in a Bundt pan...
Due to the
recent well-publicized shortage of
amateur websites produced by assholes who consider themselves to be
clever, I
have been called into action. My name is Jeff Kay, and I’m an
Ugly American living
on the cusp of a mid-life crisis, near Scranton, PA. And I’m here to
serve, baby.
The
State of My Fat Ass A journal of
sorts, updated every once in a while.
--
I'm having my Eight O'Clock Bean Coffee this morning from a San
Francisco mug. It has a sailboat on it, and a few uniquely-shaped
buildings in the background. It looks to have been illustrated by a
second-grader who knows his way around the construction paper and glue,
and is one of my favorites.
I know it's semi-retarded, but I like to buy a mug whenever we visit
someplace new. I picked this one up in 1993, on the trip Toney and I
took after we were married. (I hesitate to use the term
"honeymoon" because it sounds ridiculous.) I'd been to San
Francisco once before, through work, but had only seen the inside of a
fancy-pants hotel then. And that first visit didn't merit an official
mug purchase.
Some of my other favorites are from the Baseball Hall of Fame, the
Strand bookstore in NYC, an old-fashioned diner mug from Cape May, NJ,
an oddly-colored classic from Depoe Bay, Oregon, and one that says in
big bold letters: Don't Mess With Texas.
I feel like I've been to a lot of mug-worthy places, but there are so
many more to go. As I inventory my collection I realize that I've never
logged much muggable time in the middle of the country. With the
exception of several work-related visits to Chicago and Dallas, I've
spent most of my life near the oceans. I need to make an effort to
remedy that situation.
On Clive Bull's radio show from London, people often call up and cite
some statistic about Americans, and the number of us who have never had
a passport. And they snicker and insinuate that we're self-absorbed and
lack curiosity and/or respect for other cultures.
Perhaps. But there's more to it than that. It also has to be taken into
account (if you want to be fair, mind you) that this is one big-ass
country. ...No pun intended. A person could spend two lifetimes
traveling around America, and still not see it all. Plus, there's an
awful lot of water to cross in order to get to Europe and other places.
And crossing water costs money.
I, for one, would love nothing more than
to have a whole cabinet full of European mugs to slurp from. And Asian
and Australian and... most other places too. But when I was young and
free I was also poor as fuck. I was worried about keeping myself in
Burrito Supremes -- seeing Prague (or whatever) was out of the question.
And now that we have a tiny amount of disposable income, we also have
kids... and it all gets logistically complicated.
So those callers to Clive's show tend to irritate me. They speak in such
snobby and knowing tones. Who are they to judge my mugs? It's easy to
criticize when you can drop your doughy white-fish ass in a train seat,
and be in Paris or Brussels in three hours. If I traveled for three
hours I'd be in Maryland.
Yes, I've still got a lot of gift shop work to do, I admit it. But
it has nothing to do with lack of interest. If I hadn't stormed out of
that convenience store on Saturday, and had hit the lottery as the
Powerball gods intended, I'd be all up in Prague, and Denver. And
what's wrong with Denver? Should I feel guilty and narrow-minded for
wanting to see Denver?? Should I hang my tiny Duke
head in shame?
Dammit, I'm starting to get pissed here, and that wasn't my
intention.... What parts of the country remain mugless territories to
you? I've been up and down both coasts, with the exceptions of Maine and
Washington State. But nothing much in-between. What about you?
Pass the freakin' whitener. And the Irish Whiskey, while you're at it.
-- The season finale of LOST was fun to watch last night, but
typically frustrating. There were few answers, and lots of new
questions. And so it goes. I've never seen one minute of American
Idol, but I hear that Skippy Hicks was the winner? Is that his name?
Anyway... what are we going to do now?? Everything's come to an end. How
can we possibly go on? Will somebody please hold me?
-- Here's a very special Surf Report shirt photo. Congrats man,
on both your new tax write-off, and your impeccable fashion sense. I'll
hoist a deck-beverage in your honor this weekend.
-- Finally, a little something new from Buck,
who seems a bit agitated as
well. Sweet Maria, it must be in the Mountain Dew.
And that'll do it for me, boys and girls. I need some time away from
this computer and this website (re-read this post if you don't
believe me), so the next update won't be until Tuesday, 5/30.
--
I'm having my Eight O'Clock Bean Coffee this morning from a San
Francisco mug. It has a sailboat on it, and a few uniquely-shaped
buildings in the background. It looks to have been illustrated by a
second-grader who knows his way around the construction paper and glue,
and is one of my favorites.