The Wal-Mart Game

When I was a kid growing up in a tiny town that didn't have much to offer in terms of organized entertainment, my friends and I were forced into creating our own fun and games.  There was no fancy Chuck E. Cheese's or even a single pinball machine (illegal, I kid you not) in that place.  It was just a bunch of kids with not much to do.  And so we became almost hyperactive out of some primal survival instinct, I believe.  We were like those women you hear about who miraculously find the strength to lift a pallet of sod off a deaf baby or something.  When I returned there recently for an extended stay, I immediately started feeling that old familiar pull again, and wondered if I could still deliver the goods.  This is what I came up with, and I'm pretty pleased with the results.  It made for quite an enjoyable visit.  Give it a try, and let me know how it worked out for you.

DIRECTIONS:  The game requires two or more players.  All players enter a Wal-Mart store equipped with pen or pencil and a copy of the checklist below.  Players have a pre-determined amount of time, I suggest thirty minutes, to walk around the store observing the customers and employees, and checking off their many defects and afflictions.  The most "hits" in the allotted time wins.  Good luck!

-Animal bite
-Barbed wire bleeding
-Bee sting
-Black eye
-Blacking out
-Blood stain
-Botched skin graft
-Broken bone
-Bucked dentures
-Buckshot dimples
-Butane rash
-Camel hack
-Carburetor burn
-Chigger bites
-Chipped teeth
-Cigarette hole
-Corn chip toenails
-Creeping crud
-Face raisin
-Female bald spot
-Funking whistle
-Gasping for air
-Hatchet gash
-Healing tattoo
-Horseshoe bruise
-Neck brace
-Neck brace with Nascar sticker
-Neck vent
-Neck vent with bug guard
-Nicotine patch tan line
-One Herman Munster shoe
-Open sore
-Polio limp
-Powder burns
-Protruding forehead
-Radical obesity
-Ring worm
-Shrieking in pain
-Smoker's squint
-Stinking cough
-Sweet potato arm
-Teeth like the top of a castle
-Vomit beard
-Weeping sore
A variation that I also enjoy is more of a hobby than a game.  I find it fun to carry my checklist with me at all times, and to whip it out whenever I find myself in a Wal-Mart store.  Over time I attempt to fill my card by finding at least one example of each horrible defect listed.  It's like collecting baseball cards.  However, I must warn you to keep a level head when playing this way.  I once got so excited when I spotted that last elusive unchecked flaw, that I began jumping around and pointing at a woman in a glittery sweatshirt, shouting, "She's got a face raisin!  She's got a face raisin!"  And her husband proceeded to kick my ass right there beside the Fiddle Faddle endcap.

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