| Straight
from the holler.
by "Buck" May 25, 2006 Would somebody care to explain for me what in the fuck was up with the House season finale? Holy Shit…in the course of one episode you have a guy who’s tongue is so swollen it’s protruding from his mouth, his eye fills with blood like a balloon and pops out of his head, and then the same thing happens to his right testicle—right in Chase’s face no less. As a final climax House guts the guy with a robot scalpel from his pecker to his pucker. Good Lord they strayed off the deep end of an annoying genius asshole on that one. I got a new fangled cell phone the other day. Unlike most men, I don’t give a shit about fancy gadget bullshit. A cell phone is a device that allows me to call somebody from a remote location and allows somebody to call me at that remote location end of story. I ain’t shittin’ when I tell you this cell phone does more than my pick up truck. It takes pictures AND video, you can download about 200 of your favorite country and western tunes, you can down load video games like Pac-Man and Asteroids. I can browse the internet for all forms of fucked-upness and even upload this piece for the WVSR and email it to Mr. Kay. I can send text messages and receive them. It has voice-mail, e-mail, and I figure somehow the US Postal Service will deliver a package right to the phone. I’m certain it has a GPS tracking unit—hell it has everything else. Somewhere amidst all that, I’m assuming I’m able to make and receive phone calls…but the jury is still out on that. Maybe I’ll just stick with the old Nokia. I remember in fourth grade we used to get a Weekly Reader. I’ll never forget one of those had a picture of a tiny television set with a five inch screen. I remember fantasizing about being able to take a television set to the FRONT PORCH and watch it. There was also some pipedream about being able to pick up Bonanza via the rabbit ear antenna in our family station wagon on long trips—but I knew that was just crazy talk. I almost penned this update last weekend, but I refrained since I was so pissed I’m almost certain I would have gone completely overboard and said things I would regret. It all happened when I got an email from a Surf Report reader who’s serving in Iraq. He indicated, and I’m paraphrasing here, that one of the biggest highlights of being in that dreadful shithole is his computer time and reading the WVSR. He says he passes the updates along to other transplanted hillbillies in the sandbox who look upon this column as a little piece of home. For that I am indescribably humbled. Thank you for all you do to kill bad guys in that armpit of the world, so I don’t have to put up with killing them in my well manicured front yard. I corresponded with the aforementioned reader several times and learned that he had grown up only a few miles from where I live. He also told me about a friend of his who’s son lived within a mile of my house and how that son had been horribly wounded earlier this month. Turns out that same day the kid died. This sobered me, but then I spoke with another friend whose son was sent to Iraq last month for a tour of duty. He was detailing for me things that the press won’t tell you. Things that our troops are not allowed to do that would let us win the war. Do you realize, according to this trooper with boots on the ground, they are not allowed to fire a shot or go into a mosque, a school, a church, a hospital, or a historical site that dates back to biblical times. The military is apparently fearful of the repercussions of the bad press that would be generated by shooting at one of these off-limits buildings. Furthermore, those orders stand even if SHOTS are fired FROM ONE OF THOSE BUILDINGS!!!!!! So, what are all the insurgents doing? Yep, firing shots from the windows of mosques, schools, hospitals, and historical sites. Holy shit what has happened to this country? I’m just one hillbilly here, but I’m just about fed up with all of the bullshit. I say it is high-fucking-time to take the gloves off, throw restraint to the wind, and start kicking ass. We’re the United States of America for God’s sake! We’ve been kicking ass for 230 years. We’re 12-and-1 to paraphrase Bill Murray. We may not be able to make a decent car, refrigerator, or DVD player, but we still have the world market cornered on kicking ass. It’s time to start finding these fuckers and publicly skinning them in front of the cameras. It’s time to stop giving a shit what the TV networks think and start giving a shit about the future of this country. I want to see insurgent bodies piled like cordwood. I want to see a daily MovieTone News reel as a trailer at every theater in this country talking about 9/11 and how we’re WINNING the war. I want to see American boys winning American victories and hailed for doing it. I’m sick and fucking tired of hearing liberal pussies with all of their guilt because they’ve had it so good doing all they can to deride this country. I want to see elected politicians stand up and be counted as friends of the United States, instead of running for cover every time they’re attached to a decision about the war that isn’t favorable in polling data. I want to see a living, breathing, real-life unit of Jack Bauer clones pistol whipping the shit out of suspected terrorists until they give up their plans. If you can’t tell at this point, I’m shouting at the computer screen. Therefore, it’s probably wise for me to shut the fuck up before I write what’s REALLY on my mind and cause complete mayhem here on the WVSR. I’m Buck. I’m a proud God-fearing,
John Wayne American and I’m Out. |
