Holy
crap in a Bundt pan...
Due to the
recent well-publicized shortage of
amateur websites produced by assholes who consider themselves to be
clever, I
have been called into action. My name is Jeff Kay, and I’m an
Ugly American living
on the cusp of a mid-life crisis, near Scranton, PA. And I’m here to
serve, baby.
The
State of My Fat Ass A journal of
sorts, updated every once in a while.
--
Not to trigger any unpleasant memories of yesterday’s update or
anything, but this one’s gonna have to be brief.I’ve got a few non-website things to take care of today, and
I’m no longer accustomed to putting on pants and leaving the house.
So let’s jump into it, shall we?
--Spring is finally making an
attempt at breaking through in these parts, and it’s putting us in the
mood for camping.Unfortunately,
of course, we have no way to haul the rolling box o’ beds anymore,
since I ditched the Chevy TearMaker.Plus,
there’s the inconvenient fact that, you know, we never really had much
fun doing it.
But it gets in your blood for some reason, and the change from winter to
spring causes certain chemicals to slosh together in the brain, and you
start thinking about camping.
I’ve talked to Toney about this, and she sort of agrees.It is my contention that the best part about camping is the
planning of it.You have all
these romantic visions dancing in your head. You get all the supplies
out and start scratching things off checklists.You scrub down the camper while whistling a cheerful tune, and
make sure the fishing poles are in good working order….
Yes, that’s the pinnacle of the experience.When you actually pull away
from the house, I think, is when everything starts going down the
shitter.
Within hours you find yourself plunged inside a laughable chair in the
middle of a mudhole, you’re covered in a mixture of grease and filth,
there may or may not be a tick setting up operations in the crack of
your ass, and it’s way too early to start drinking.
Plus, there’s that nagging fear you’ll wake up one morning like
this.
So maybe that’s what we should do?Just
plan camping trips, and never
actually take any.Perhaps we
should trim away the fat, once and for all?What do you think?
--It looks like the good folks
at collegehumor linked to our
Pulitzer-caliber feature, “People in
newspaper ads who look like they’re farting.”There’s massive traffic this morning, at least to that
particular farty page.Good
times.
--A few days ago I invited
everyone to join the Surf Report mailing
list.And now it’s
maxed-out at 500 subscribers.Needless
to say, the company that hosts the list wants me to give them money to
increase the number allowed.And,
of course, that ain’t gonna happen. I’ve decided to take a different
route:cheating.So give me a few hours and all should be well in Mudville.Or whatever.
--Earlier this week I spoke with the T-Shirt Lady, to make sure she
still has our logo on file.And
she does.I’m thinking about
making shirts available again, for a limited time, and need your input.
Please take this poll about sizes desired,
and also let me know if you have a preference for color.Last time we did black, as evidenced here,
and I’d like to try another one this time.But, of course, if it’s black you want, then it’ll be black
you get.It’s no skin off my
scrote.
A couple of things I’m NOT going to do:maintain multiple inventories of different colors, or change the
design.It’s hard enough
keeping track of the sizes requested.If I had to add colors to the mix, I’d probably just take your
money and never mail you anything.And
I like the design, so it stays.
Oh, and no Cafépress crapola either.No reason to even suggest it.They suck on it.
So let me know, and maybe we can get the Surf Report Distribution Center
up and running again.
--Check
out the new West Virginia Tourism slogan.And the entire country shrugs its shoulders, and says, “OK. Not
a problem.”
--Here’s
some crazy news straight from my hometown.Sweet
sainted mother of the entire decorative concrete industry!
--I
have more, lots more, but I’d better get the show on the road here.However... I’m going to leave you today with something
extra-special:a new weekly columnist!
Brad, my old friend from Peaches Music & Video in Greensboro, has
agreed to tell us what’s happening off Exit 149 every week, and I’m
appreciative.I know you folks will be too.
In addition to being a good friend, Brad is also a talented and funny
writer.And
he wore a Surf Report t-shirt to his wedding.How’s that for dedication?You can read his first column here.
And that’ll do it, boys and girls.Have
yourselves a great Thursday.
