Holy
crap in a Bundt pan...
Due to the
recent well-publicized shortage of
amateur websites produced by assholes who consider themselves to be
clever, I
have been called into action. My name is Jeff Kay, and I’m an
Ugly American living
on the cusp of a mid-life crisis, near Scranton, PA. And I’m here to
serve, baby.
The
State of My Fat Ass A journal of
sorts, updated every once in a while.
--What does it mean when light bulbs just start burning out on you,
all willy nilly?Over the past
couple of days it seems that every time I turn on a light in this house
there’s a hollow popping sound, then darkness.
Nobody else has had this problem, only me.I’m all the time changing bulbs, first screwing to the left,
then screwing to the right, and muttering Very Bad Things.
Toney says it might be a sign of some sort, and I don’t like the sound
of that.I’m no expert on the
subject, but “signs” that involve sudden blackness concern me.Ya know?
What do you folks know about this?Should
I be getting my will in order?Should
I be making a list of friends and family members I’d prefer “tote me
to the hole?”Wonder if it has
anything to do with that pineapple?So
many questions.
--While I was sitting outside the
elementary school this morning waiting for the aides to finish off their
bear claws, wipe the glaze off their quivering lips, and finally open
the doors, a few things occurred to me….
When I was a kid my Dad used to threaten to box
my ears all the time.He’d
say, “Jeff, if you don’t stop that racket, I’m gonna box your
ears!”What in the hell?
Also, I had an aunt who was a teenager in the late ‘60s, and I
remember her and her friends using the phrase, “Oh, suck my nose!”It was injected into situations where “bite me” might be used
today.Suck my nose.Man, that’s about as disgusting as it gets.I’m surprised the phrase hasn’t stood the test of time.
During that same period, I recall my grandfather promising to set my
aunt on fire.I think he was
threatening to spank her, but he’d always get mad and holler, “I’m
going to set you on fire!!”Holy
crap!When you’re five, or
whatever, that’s some scary-ass stuff.I
had visions of kerosene slinging, maniacal laughter, and the whole nine
yards.
What are some of the other disturbing and bizarre down-home threats or
put-downs?These are just three
that popped into my mind while the bear claws were being polished-off.I’m certain there are many others.
--Speaking of disturbing….I
get some great email.And by
great, of course, I mean quite fucked-up.I guess I bring it on myself, I don’t know.
Anyway, check this one out.For
reasons that are unclear even to me, I’m going to withhold the
person’s name.This note
was received last night under the heading, “I Nearly Prolapsed.”
Tuesday
afternoon before we were to go to the Funeral Home
(?! –ed.) I was in terrible pain and in need of a poop. I went to the bathroom
where I found the process very uncomfortable.
It
seemed that my bowels lacked the proper moisture to properly dispense my
shit. I was in misery as I tried to push and nothing moved. My butt hole
would not close, there was shit stuck in there and it would not move.
I sat on the toilet for a long time and finally had to get up and try to
go about my duties with my butt hole still opened. I felt horrible. Here
is a picture of what I felt like at this moment.
I soon cramped something awful and had to return for another round. This
was much like the first go around except my asshole did close after I
was able to drop a couple of marble sized pieces out.
But
this did not mean the job was finished, not by any long shot. I was
still full of shit that just would not go. About 30 minutes after this
second incident I once again returned to the toilet and after a rough
start was able to push out a large load and rid myself of the pain that
I had felt. However, I am not sure that I may not have hurt myself,
it hurts to fart with any kind of force now.
Thank you, Reader, for the update.I’ve forwarded your note to other equally relevant recipients,
folks like Willie Mays, Boris Yeltsin, and the Supernanny.Please keep us
apprised of any further developments.
--I spent a good part of
yesterday in
Allentown
, attending career counseling seminars.Specifically:self-marketing
and networking.It wasn’t
as satisfying as usual, for a number of reasons.
First of all, we were packed into a tiny conference room (the main room
was already in use), and about fifteen of us were sitting literally
shoulder to shoulder.I
don’t much care for the shoulder to shoulder, if you want to know the
truth.When you can smell another man, you’re entirely too close, I believe.
Also, the advice we received seemed a tad, you know, crackpot.Oh, some of it was solid, but many of the things they suggested
we do I will never do, in this lifetime or the next.So I spent considerable energy rolling my eyes, and chuckling
inside my head.
At one point I realized I was scribbling a note to myself, while my
entire professional career hangs in the balance, about the teeth of a
woman seated across the table from me.
They were black & white!I’m
not kidding, the rest of her was in color (of course), but when she
opened her mouth it was pure American Movie Classics in there.How does something like that happen?How does everything just go gray?
And is it possible that I’m not yet taking this job search thing
seriously enough?
I’m starting to wonder.
--I’ve got more, lots
more, but I’d better pace myself here.I’ll leave you now with a Few Cool Things.
This is a photo of Surf Reporter TxTy backstage at a recent Toadies show
in
Houston
, along with an honest-to-goodness Toadie.Check out Ty’s excellent choice in wardrobe.
And here’s a really funny YouTube video, short and, um, sweet.
At this site you can do a search for your surname, and find out
where
other folks with your last name are living.Supposedly there are more Kays in
California
than in
West Virginia
.I have a hard time
believing it, but whatever.
And finally, here’s something new from our good friend Buck.
