Well, I suppose it’s time I dragged my lazy ass off the couch and wrote something for this place. Hell, since my last update my flowers in the yard have bloomed (yeah, I know—you could give an antelope shit about that). Jeff Kay’s dog nearly died in an atom bomb of vomit, drunk girls were hitting on Jeff Kay at the Scranton St. P’s parade, Jeff smelled a stinky Englishman in the barber shop, and finally he was kicked to the curb by his company and now looks forward to drinks with a bunch of corporate rejects in a daycare for losers masking as some retraining seminar. Holy shit—this place has certainly gone to hell in a hand basket since I left.

Therefore I’m back. I was motivated to action by Jeff Kay’s Tuesday journal entry (I know, the term blog is for faggots and sailors). Jeff detailed the Cliff Noted version of the History of the WVSR. I wasn’t even mentioned. How’s that for gratitude? My history with the WVSR dates to about three years ago, although I can’t recall. I stumbled across this foolishness via Google and I’m not even sure what I was looking for. I read it, and cracked up. Those were the twice a week updates—but the daily updates started a few months later. It was also the era of Chris from Boone who brought us Rants from an Angry White Guy. I was so enamored with the tales of Chris’, life I decided I would try it myself. (No, not the daily debauchery that is the life of Chris—but try a weekly update.) I contacted Jeff Kay and contrary to popular belief we had never laid eyes on one another or knew each other at all. We went into a heated negotiation over deadlines, salary schedule, healthcare, a WVSR Retirement plan (lotto tickets), and a rather lucrative profit sharing bonus plan—which has paid off nicely with the new right side ad banners from our National Lampoon friends. I attempted to exert some editorial control by questioning “a bowl of corn motherfuckers.” I was told to never question the art, and never speak of it again. After all this IS an award winning website. I also tried to procure a company vehicle in the deal—but didn’t get that in our bargaining talks.

I began my time here with Chronicles of an Educated Hillbilly. They were tales of my youth, loosely patterned after the Rants of an Angry White Guy. Soon I told Jeff my life story was exhausted and I’d like to try a weekly column. We renegotiated (I wound up with the corner office and a corporate parking space behind the Scranton Wal-Mart) and here I am. I’ve written just over 100 of these updates and let me assure you when Jeff says this is hard work….he’s not lying. Try coming up with something funny and compelling from everyday life EVERYDAY. I can’t even do it once a week—especially with the boring life I lead.

So, today I hoist a frosty mug to Jeff Kay who had the wisdom to try and stalk Krista Garcia (who we’ve NOT seen naked) and this little corner of the World Wide Web came into existence.

-- Some other notes of interest from my life...my sexy, widow neighbor may have found “The One.” Her redneck, live-in boyfriend has now been there almost a year…and that’s saying something. Usually she keeps them around only long enough to get her yard work done for the summer—then in the fall there’s usually a huge blowup that involves the police. He’s made it through the winter though, and that’s quite an accomplishment.

-- Perhaps something is in the water on the street because the Doormat Divorce next door may have found “The One” as well. She’s been taking extended weekends to Columbus to meet with a new beau and now she’s considering marrying him and moving there permanently. I’m happy for her, since her former husband is committed to complete douchery in his life and treated her like a rack of yard tools at Sears most of the time. Trouble is, who knows what kind of a freak will buy her house and then be my new neighbor?

-- I apologize for my absence. Hopefully, I’ll have more compelling stuff and will have it submitted on time, you know since now Jeff’s Secrets are depending on this site for food and PlayStation games.