Holy
crap in a Bundt pan...
Due to the
recent well-publicized shortage of
amateur websites produced by assholes who consider themselves to be
clever, I
have been called into action. My name is Jeff Kay, and I’m an
Ugly American living
on the cusp of a mid-life crisis, near Scranton, PA. And I’m here to
serve, baby.
The
State of My Fat Ass A journal of
sorts, updated every once in a while.
--
This is the final update of 2006, and I'd like to start by thanking Buck,
Metten, and lakrfool for their excellent contributions
throughout the year. They've added a lot of laughter and fun to the
festivities, and I don't thank them nearly enough. So, thanks guys. This
is an all-volunteer army, and I appreciate your service,
sincerely.
Tonight I'll hoist yet another golden elixir in your honor.
Pretty special, huh?
Now I'd like to share with you a heartwarming holiday tale.... Steve
told me this one on Wednesday, and it's got Hallmark Hall of Fame
written all over it. You know, if the Hallmark Hall of Fame was
broadcast over on the Fucked-Upness Channel.
Steve's sister Teresa lives in South Carolina. She has a friend with a
beloved dog that was nearing its final days. The animal had already
survived cancer, and had been a cherished family companion for many
years. Now it was very old, and increasingly unstable. Clearly, the end
was near.
A few days before Christmas the man was out walking his beloved hound,
through a wooded area where they'd walked many times before. About
halfway into the journey, the dog began breathing heavily, then
collapsed. Upset, he dropped to his knees and checked to see if his old
friend was still breathing. Then, in a fit of desperation, he attempted
to resuscitate the animal by repeatedly pressing on its chest.
It was no good. The dog was gone. But, he told himself, if it had to
happen, he was glad it happened here, the place where they'd spent so
many fine days in the past. He sat there for a while, emotional and
drained. Finally, he began hoofing it back home to get his truck, so he
could retrieve the dog's body, and give it a proper burial.
And when he returned, he encountered something amazing. He walked into
the woods, and saw his old pet running down the path toward him! He was
wagging his tail and looked friskier and in better spirits than he'd
been in months. It was a miracle, nothing short of a Christmas miracle!
Then the dog died again, right at the man's feet. This time for good.
Happy holidays!
-- Before I call it a year, I'd like to
share with you two of my favorite Christmas presents, and a not-so-fave
that I gave the Secrets personally.
Toney and I focus most or our attention on the kids at Christmas, and
for a long time didn't exchange gifts at all. A couple of years ago we
started giving each other presents again, but they're still fairly
modest. Someday, maybe, we'll get back to the dating and early-marriage
level, but we're not quite there yet.
This is the kick-assiest of the
kick-ass gifts that Toney gave me this year, proving that you don't have
to spend a fortune.... It's Quality Street candy, straight out of
England, and impossible to find here in Scranton. Oh yeah, I'm gonna be
all up in that.
And here's what Steve gave me, a replica jersey of the Charleston
Charlies minor league baseball team, that used to play in our old
stomping grounds of Charleston, WV. The team has been defunct since
1983, but they started going downhill after the Pirates left town
following the '76 season, in my semi-humble opinion. As you can see, this is a jersey from the
glory days, when they were the Pittsburgh Pirates' AAA farm team.
Steve
said, "Is it big enou--? I mean, is it the right size?" I
don't know, it's an XXL. Perhaps if I sew another panel of fabric into
it?
Finally, I went out on Christmas Eve and bought the Secrets a video game
called Bully. It's something that was quite controversial when
first released, but I've always been intrigued by it. It takes place in
the halls of a fancy prep school, and you're a semi-nerdy kid forced to
negotiate the many bullies, pricks, and assholes also enrolled there. I
thought that was a pretty cool premise for a video game, and have had my
eye on it for months. Toney was completely against it, but I broke her
down, and went out and snagged a copy at the very last second on Sunday.
And on Christmas day I sat in a chair and watched our kids beat the
living shit out of a virtual Mexican, or Puerto Rican, or whatever,
with a baseball bat. Maybe he wasn't Mexican, but that's the way I
remember it, a full-on hate crime. And I told them to hand it over. I'd
made a tactical error, and they'd just have to focus on their other
gifts for a while. The disc is now hidden inside the bunker somewhere,
and I don't know what I'm going to do with it.
Blowing up hicks with a death ray from a space ship is one thing, and
administering a savage beating with a length of lumber is another. Toney
was right, and I was wrong. As usual.
What were your favorite gifts this year? And have you ever given
somebody something that you later regretted? Tell us about it, won't
you? Use the comments link below.
-- And before I go.... I've added a couple of new sites to the official
Friends of TheWVSR list, over there in the long, manly blue column to
the left of this page.
The first is a blog authored by none other than The Genius himself, Phil
Hendrie. There was some debate as to whether it was really Phil, or an
imposter. But he confirmed that he is indeed the man behind the site in a
recent interview. Good stuff.
The second is by a new blogger named Bill
Oates. He's just starting out, but there's just something about his writings
that feel right to me.... We've been in correspondence over the past few days, and
once he gets his site up and running at full capacity, I think we'll all
enjoy it.
So check 'em both out. You'll find the links under Friends of TheWVSR.
You guys have a great and safe New Years, and I'll see you on the
other side!
--
This is the final update of 2006, and I'd like to start by thanking Buck,
Metten, and lakrfool for their excellent contributions
throughout the year. They've added a lot of laughter and fun to the
festivities, and I don't thank them nearly enough. So, thanks guys. This
is an all-volunteer army, and I appreciate your service,
sincerely. 
. It's something that was quite controversial when
first released, but I've always been intrigued by it. It takes place in
the halls of a fancy prep school, and you're a semi-nerdy kid forced to
negotiate the many bullies, pricks, and assholes also enrolled there. I
thought that was a pretty cool premise for a video game, and have had my
eye on it for months. Toney was completely against it, but I broke her
down, and went out and snagged a copy at the very last second on Sunday.