I personally would advise against it

December 18, 2006

-- I'm not working today. A couple of weeks ago Toney and I circled December 18th on the calendar (figuratively speaking... no actual circling took place), and vowed to use the day to finalize Christmas shopping, and generally tie up whatever holiday-related loose ends remained. This had to happen on a weekday, of course, when the Secrets weren't around. So, I asked for the day off, it was approved, then everything promptly went to hell.

I won't bore you with all the boring details, but I'm on my own here. Toney has to be elsewhere today, so it's all up to me. And not only will I be shouldering responsibilities, but our pleasant lunch without the younglings won't be happening either. It's not exactly the way I had it pictured.... It went from being a nice time away from the office, submerged tits-deep in Christmas, to a day of chores all by myself.

Sucks. My usual role in these situations is to tag along, make sarcastic comments, and mock the general public. To have me actually in charge is risky, at best. And it casts a whole different light on the day. I think I'd rather just go to work....

-- A week or so ago I told you about my internet being down, and how Adelphia (Comcast?) blamed it on my wireless router. Remember that? Well, at the time I didn't believe them, I figured they were just engaging in a wee bit of blame-shifting. But guess what happened? That's right, the router shit the bed.

This occurred last week sometime, and I tried everything to get it going again. I reset it multiple times, read the manual and did all the Stupid Human Tricks it suggested. I may as well have been blowing diarrhea in the wind.... The thing would function correctly for five minutes, I'd get all excited, then it would go down again. Finally it just stopped working altogether.

Grrrr... I bypassed the router, and plugged the cable directly into my computer. And that was fine for me, but Toney couldn't access the internet upstairs. Plus, we're supposed to have visitors for Christmas, and I'm gonna need my laptop so I can barricade myself in the bathroom with a Yuengling, cry softly, and surf the Web in peace.

On Thursday (I think), I passed one of the MIS guys in the hall at work, and jokingly asked how much he'd charge to come out to my house and get our network straightened out. Without hesitation, he said, "My standard fee is fifty dollars." I started blinking real fast, and said, "What do you mean, standard fee?"

Turns out he does a lot of that kind of thing on the side, and said he'd be happy to get me squared away. For, you know, fifty bucks. I didn't commit to anything, but it sounded mighty tempting. I'd somehow screwed-up the passwords on the thing, and was worried about uninstalling the software and reinstalling the new stuff, etc. It had fiasco written all over it.

Long story short, I called him and he came out on Sunday. He told me on the phone that he'd installed dozens of networks, and it should be quick and easy. I explained that I already had a wounded router, and he'd have to rip all that out and replace it with a new one -- which I planned to buy later in the day. He said no problem.

But it was a problem. The dude was here for hours, and that made me happy. Not because I especially enjoyed his company or anything, but because I felt like I got my money's worth. If he'd come in here and set it all up in ten minutes, then took fifty off me, I would've been pissed. So I was silently cheering all the problems he encountered, and kept noting (accurately, I believe) that for every hour he worked, it would've taken me ten.

Money well-spent. Pass the goddamn beer nuts.

-- Speaking of work, the Shuffler actually said something to me a few days ago. Usually she just shuffles past my office door, like she's cross-country skiing, with the same expressionless expression frozen on her face. But one day last week she stopped me in the hall and asked me a question:

"What exactly do you do here?" That second do seemed to be loaded with implications, and I didn't much care for it. Plus, I was amazed that her expression still didn't change, even when she was talking.

I told her my job title, and that didn't seem to register. "Yeah, but what do you do?" she demanded, again putting emphasis on the do out-back. I started to answer, and she interrupted me. "Every time I walk past your office, you're in there watching that television."

The crap? It's not a television, I explained, it's a computer monitor. And, I wanted to add, you're taking great liberties in calling that walking.

Ho-ly shit.

-- Mark Maynard has involved me in some sort of questionable chain-letter type of deal, where I'm apparently required to tell you folks five things about myself, that you probably don't already know. If I don't, I'll be blind by dawn, or experiencing something akin to a projectile miscarriage, or some such thing. Boy, he's gonna pay for this one....

To maintain my "health," here are five things:

I've never smoked pot, or taken any so-called recreational drugs. (Except for alcohol, of course.) It's never even crossed my mind.

I've never been outside of the United States, except for one brief (and terrifying) trip into Canada, where my brother and I encountered a turd in a motel pool. A kid stood on the edge and did the play-by-play: "It's breaking up! It's breaking up!!"

I've never been in a real car wreck. I once sideswiped a woman driving a shiny Camaro, in Parkersburg, WV, but that can hardly be considered a wreck. She did, however, call me a fucker.

I've never eaten Lucky Charms.

I'm very good with tongue twisters.

So there you go. I'm now supposed to pass this hex on to five other "bloggers," but I refuse to perpetuate it. If that sends me into miscarriage, then so be it. Of course, if you want to list five things on your own (and maybe save my life), that's your business. Use the comments link below. I'm washing my hands of the whole thing, right here and now.

Thanks Mark! That's simply excellent.

-- Speaking of tongue twisters, here's the hardest one I've ever encountered: Which wristwatch is a Swiss wristwatch? Just so you're up to date on it.

-- Dwight from The Office was in Scranton this weekend, for a paid public appearance, but I didn't go. I briefly considered trying to get a picture of him holding the Fish, but common sense finally kicked-in. And judging from this article, it was a wise choice. People flew in from Boston to be there!? I would've surely had a nervous breakdown in a crowd like that.

-- On Saturday the four of us went to Five Guys hamburgers, in Dickson City, for lunch. It was very good, as always, but check out the way the charge appeared on my bank's website! I'll never be able to look those people in the eyes again....

And I've got lots more of this dingleberry material, but I'd better get the highly disappointing day started.

See you folks tomorrow.

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Last updated
01/17/12 12:16 PM

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