Holy
crap in a Bundt pan...
Due to the
recent well-publicized shortage of
amateur websites produced by assholes who consider themselves to be
clever, I
have been called into action. My name is Jeff Kay, and I’m an
Ugly American living
on the cusp of a mid-life crisis, near Scranton, PA. And I’m here to
serve, baby.
The
State of My Fat Ass A journal of
sorts, updated every once in a while.
--
We got the Christmas tree up this weekend, and it's a darn good thing we
employed the strategy of tree and lights one night, decorations and
ornaments another night. Because there were some problems.
Last year we bought all new lights for the tree. We used them, then took
time to roll the things into neat loops, gingerly placed them inside a
box, and stored it high on a shelf in the basement. And now, one year
later, half of one string won't work. The artificial made-in-China tree
went up without incident (although the paint has started wearing off a
few of the limb tips, pointing to future "opportunities"), and
there was no issue with stringing up the lights either.
Cocky and drunk with success, I wondered if we should just go for it,
and do a full-on decoration in a single evening? We were on a roll!
Then Toney plugged the lights in, and there was a big chunk of
the tree that remained dark. WTS?! I did some investigating, and it
wasn't a complete strand that refused to work, it was halfa
strand. We pinpointed where everything shit the bed, and checked the
wires around it. It looked fine. I changed the first bulb in the
non-cooperating section, thinking that maybe we'd gone back to the 1960s
somehow, but it was a laughable waste of time. Grrrr....
My right hand involuntarily began running through my hair, and I yelled,
for reasons unknown, "Balls and bitches!" (It takes great
effort not to just let if fly in front of the kids, and things sometimes
get mixed-up during the editing process.) What would cause a string of
lights to just suddenly stop working? They were fine last year,
and were put away and stored in the proper manner. Now they're all
shorted-out and mis-firing? Infuriating.
We reviewed our options, and Toney suggested we simply rearrange the
lights, space them differently, and leave it as-is. I didn't like the
sound of that. I had visions of a giant smoldering black spot where our
house used to be, with a toilet and chimney the only things left
standing.
Screw it. We'd have to buy more lights. I yanked the offending strand
off the tree, then made a big production of carrying it to the garage
and flinging it into the trash. Then I built us a cuppa two tree stiff
drinks, and the Secrets had themselves yet another cherished holiday
memory to cling to. Pass the beer nuts.
The next morning Toney pulled one of the
bulbs from the strand in the garbage, and went to Target. Miraculously,
she was able to find the exact same lights, and we were back in
business.
Then Saturday night we put on the Elvis and Sinatra CDs, and our copy of
the original A Very Special Christmas , and had ourselves a fine
time with the ornaments and whatnot. Everyone was in a good mood, and a
splendid time was had by all.
Yes, I highly recommend separating the bad part of the job from the
good. It's the only way to go. ...At least around here.
-- A few years ago we tried to start a tradition of us all going to a
store every December, and choosing one new tree ornament each. This
lasted, I think, two seasons, then just kinda petered out. One of the
Secrets brought it up on Saturday, and asked why we don't do it anymore.
I told him they should make new ornaments every year, and that
could be the tradition. (Notice how I never actually answered his
question?)
The boys didn't seem to care for the idea too much, and asked what
materials could be used to make a real Christmas ornament. Clearly they
weren't interested in the half-assed paper versions (with yarn loop),
like they do in grade school. I said they should be creative, then
illustrated it by creating a new ornament right there, on the spot.
Check it out. It's a wad of dryer lint with a metal hook through it!
Pretty cool, huh?
-- This is an old picture, but the pickle is officially on display for
another season. Toney and I bought that thing at a hipster emporium in
Atlanta years ago. I think it's straight out of Germany, and cost a
small fortune. Those were the days when we were trying to act like
sophisticated yuppies, even though Dairy Queen clerks were likely
pulling down more bucks.
Ahhhh, the memories....
-- Brad sent me this a few days ago, and it's one of the more disturbing
things I've ever encountered. In case you can't tell, that's
my face stuck to a sashaying elf's body. Scary, man.
-- And since we seem to have a theme of sorts going here, here's an mp3
of the Flaming Lips doing "White Christmas." Check it out,
it'll grow on ya like black mold.
Waaay better than that Sting song on A Very Special Christmas.
Holy crap. Have you heard that pretentious pile? Every time it comes on
I get a powerful urge to sit in an empty room, in a straight-back chair,
and repeatedly slug myself in the genitalia. It's something I'm unable
to explain....
-- I've got more, but suddenly lost the will to continue. I'll leave you
now with a vague question, about cursing in front of your children. How
do you handle it? I try (and succeed, I think) to keep it to a minimum.
But I'm only flesh and blood here, and you'd have to be some kind of man
o' steel to not let fly while driving.
I never say any of the sexually-based curses in front of 'em, it's
mostly ass and shit-themed. Like, for instance, if some Civil War
veteran is driving forty-five in the left lane of the interstate, I
might holler, "Get out of the way you turd-gobblin' ass-faced
piece o' crap!" That sort of thing. I keep all the really bad stuff
under wraps, and somehow refrain from cutting loose in front of the
Secrets.
My Dad was/is the same way. He liked to add "shit" to
seemingly random words, and apparently created his own phrases. Like
shitheel and shithook, etc. Are those legitimate cuss words? I don't
think I've ever heard anyone else use 'em. ....I'm sorry I'm getting a
little emotional here.
So there you go. If you have anything to say about that, we're all ears.
--
We got the Christmas tree up this weekend, and it's a darn good thing we
employed the strategy of tree and lights one night, decorations and
ornaments another night. Because there were some problems.
, and had ourselves a fine
time with the ornaments and whatnot. Everyone was in a good mood, and a
splendid time was had by all.