Holy
crap in a Bundt pan...
Due to the
recent well-publicized shortage of
amateur websites produced by assholes who consider themselves to be
clever, I
have been called into action. My name is Jeff Kay, and I’m an
Ugly American living
on the cusp of a mid-life crisis, near Scranton, PA. And I’m here to
serve, baby.
The
State of My Fat Ass A journal of
sorts, updated every once in a while.
--
Have you seen the commercial where a guy is sitting in a comfy chair 'neath
his Scrote-watching blanket, and suddenly gets a wild hair up his ass to
order a Dell computer for his daughter? He shrugs his shoulders, picks
up the phone, and within seconds he's talking to a nice, helpful woman
who speaks clear English, and proceeds to walk him through the process easy as pie.
Then his chair and side table start rocketing through the town,
but that's a subject for another day....
Have you ever actually called Dell? I have, and my experience was
nothing like the man's in the ad. Every time I've spoken with them I'm
almost certain I could hear elephants going off in the background and
bamboo being crushed, the person couldn't speak a lick of English (even
though his name was supposedly "Mitch"), and I'm running my
hands through my hair faster than you can say Lower Congo Basin. Once I
think I even heard the sound of someone shooting a blow dart, but I
could be wrong about that.
I like their products; I'm using a Dell-made PC right now, and have a
Dell laptop as well. But what happened to truth in advertising? The
commercial should show the man frustrated and perplexed, and eventually
shouting into the phone receiver. Then when he hangs up, he should shake
his head in amazement, and mutter, "Lord only knows what they'll
send me. Probably four monitors and a goddamn croquet set."
You know, if they were interested in making it accurate.
-- On a semi-related note, I got my cool new cell phone a couple of
weeks ago. I had fun setting it up, choosing the ringtones, transferring
my phone book, etc. Is there anything more exciting than fresh gadgetry?
I submit that there is not.
Anyway, I was reading all the warnings in the user's manual, and found
some of them to be a tad curious. I've noted a few below, along
with a fake and completely absurd one that I wrote. See if you can
figure out which one doesn't belong. I bet you can't.
Never place your phone in a microwave oven, as it will cause the battery
to explode.
Make sure that no sharp-edged items, such as animal's teeth or nails,
come into contact with the battery. This could cause a fire.
Do not expose the battery charger or adapter to direct sunlight or use
it in places with high humidity, such as bathrooms.
Never set the device to vibrate, place adjacent to genitalia, then
repeatedly call the number from another phone. This could cause injury, followed by a Fark
link.
-- This is going to sound
like a joke, but it isn't. There's a good chance my mother-in-law, AKA
Sunshine, will appear in Sunday's episode of America's Funniest Home
Videos.
Please allow me to explain....
Sunny has a friend, a woman who reportedly has "an ass so big you
could sit a tray of food on it," with an adult son. This adult son,
who still lives at home, recently videotaped one of their dogs doing
something "hilarious." I have no idea what this means, even
though I've begged for more information.
But he had this so-called funny video, and mailed it to the show. And,
amazingly enough, a producer contacted him and said they'd like for him
to be a finalist, eligible for the $10,000 prize.
So.... A few weeks ago the son, his girlfriend, Sunshine, and her buddy
went to Los Angeles for the taping. They all sat in the studio audience,
and were sworn to secrecy about the outcome. (Do people in Vegas have
money riding on it, or something?!)
The "boy" and his lady sat down front, and Sunshine and her
friend were up in the stands somewhere. Sunny doesn't know if they'll
actually appear on camera or not, and she's not even 100% sure of the
air date (typical). She thinks it'll be this coming Sunday, but
she could be wrong.
In any case, we'll be there, way out on the edge of our seats, and I'll
let you know on Monday.
Pass the ass tray.
-- For some reason it irritates me when the media
reports that the recent E. coli outbreak was likely caused by
tainted "scallions" at Taco Bell. Um, they're called green
onions. Quit being such pretentious pricks already. What is this, the
south of France? We're talking about shit-saturated produce at a
cut-rate fast food chain, popular with folks on a three-day drunk. It's
not a review of Loire Mountain cuisine. I mean, seriously.
-- Speaking of fast food, I was handed this
highly disturbing flier a couple of days ago at Wendy's. Will someone
please hold me?
-- And finally, here's a great
addition to our Big Swollen Gallery of Smoking Fish Sightings. This one
comes from Richard H., from the good Dunbar High Class of '81. Thanks
Rich, I appreciate it!
-- Before I go, I have a quick question for you. The oldest Secret came
home yesterday, just bursting with excitement. It seems that a girl
puked right in the middle of class, and the whole school is abuzz. He
gave me the entire thing, complete with animated facial expressions and
sound effects. It was quite a compelling tale, I have to admit.
I've told the story, probably more than once, about the kid who vomited
in a trash can when I was in Junior High. Everybody in the class began
hollering in protest, and the teacher (Mr. Yerrid) ripped into us
unmercifully.
"Can't you see the boy is sick?!" he screamed, "What's
wrong with you people??"
Chastened, we all sat quietly as he told the vomiter to go on to the
clinic, and he'd be there to check on him in a few minutes. Then, as
soon as the kid left the classroom, the teacher turned to us and said,
"Oh God, did you see that?! Baloney sandwich and bean with bacon
soup!"
Uproarious laughter followed, for five solid minutes. And I'm still
talking about it today, thirty years later....
So, my question is about non-drinking related puking. I'm almost sure
we've covered the drunken variety already, but what about the
standard-issue flu puking? Tell us about it, won't you? Use the comments
link below.
--
Have you seen the commercial where a guy is sitting in a comfy chair 'neath
his Scrote-watching blanket, and suddenly gets a wild hair up his ass to
order a Dell computer for his daughter? He shrugs his shoulders, picks
up the phone, and within seconds he's talking to a nice, helpful woman
who speaks clear English, and proceeds to walk him through the process easy as pie.
Then his chair and side table start rocketing through the town,
but that's a subject for another day....