Holy
crap in a Bundt pan...
Due to the
recent well-publicized shortage of
amateur websites produced by assholes who consider themselves to be
clever, I
have been called into action. My name is Jeff Kay, and I’m an
Ugly American living
on the cusp of a mid-life crisis, near Scranton, PA. And I’m here to
serve, baby.
The
State of My Fat Ass A journal of
sorts, updated every once in a while.
--
Fair warning: This one's going to be kinda quick and unsatisfying. I've
been on the phone all morning with Adelphia, or Comcast, or whatever
they call themselves this week, talking to a man who sounded like he was
floating in a cardboard box out in the middle of an ocean somewhere.
"What I want you to do next is unplug the router!"
"What?!"
"Your router! Unplug it!! ....Oh shit, here's comes a cruise ship
full of Canadians!!"
My internet wasn't working last night before I went to bed. Since that's
nothing unusual, I just turned it off and climbed atop the dormancy
platform. I figured all would be well in the morning. Pretty hilarious,
huh? I may as well have been trying to access the internet through an
oscillating fan.
The first guy I spoke with at Comcast said our service had been
disconnected because we're behind in our payments. That didn't sound
right, but I verified it with Toney the Bill-Payer. And she was aghast,
simply aghast, at such a suggestion. We'd paid them in full on November
17, and haven't received a new bill since then.
But the guy insisted we owe them $136, and that's the reason our
internet wasn't working. He had no explanation as to why our cable TV
was still in operation, but he knew why our internet was down. He
wanted me to give him a credit card number over the phone, but I
wouldn't do it. I had a sneaking suspicion the man didn't know what in
the hand-rolled hell he was talking about, and hung up.
Toney (now pissed) called back and spoke with someone else, and that
person said the first guy must've been "mistaken." We are not
behind in our payments, and our internet service had not been
interrupted.
She transferred Toney to the man floating inside a refrigerator box on
the ocean, Toney handed the phone to me, and together we got it up and
running again. The guy blamed it on our wireless router, but I'm not
convinced. But, in any case, I'm back in bidness.
And I'm also way behind, and preoccupied. And that's the reason for the
fair warning.
-- Over the weekend I tried my hand at
"cooking." Surf Reporter Kimberly posted a recipe in the
comments last week on my birthday, and it sounded really good. So I gave
it a shot.
I printed it out, Toney did an inventory of the many required
ingredients, and bought the items we didn't already have. And on Saturday
morning I got everything together, displayed them in a dramatic fashion,
and snapped this photo. Needless to say, the bourbon and Coke were not
part of the bean dish, they were just hanging out in the background to
lend moral support.
I put everything into the Crock Pot around noon, and turned it to high.
My only half-step was with the dark beer. I'd meant to stop at a pizza
joint on Friday evening, to buy a bottle of Guinness or something, but
had completely forgotten. So I made do with a can of the golden elixir.
Other than that, I followed the recipe exactly as described.
When we returned from our "nothing short of horrible" trip to
the JC Penney Portrait Studio, I tested the beans and they were still
the consistency of peanuts. They had a long way to go. Toney had been on
my back to get the things going earlier in the day, but I'd thought noon
was plenty early. I should've listened to her.
I kept checking them, and was unwilling to eat until they were perfect.
And that didn't happen until around 8 o'clock that night.
But it was worth the wait! I served it in bowls, over white rice, and it
was excellent. A little spicier than anticipated, but not to the point
of ridiculousness. Toney made cornbread, and everything was damn good.
A perfect meal for a cold fall evening.
I'd wanted to snap another photo of the completed project, but by 8
o'clock I'd already had a couple of those Jim Beams, and couldn't muster
the energy. So you'll just have to use your imagination
on that....
And what about Kimberly's claim that this is a bean-based meal that is
almost fartless? Well, I'd have to say the jury is still out. When I
woke up on Sunday morning the ceiling fan was spinning, even though it
was turned off. But that's fairly standard, and it might be unfair to
automatically blame the Beer Drinkers Bean Pot. Further study is
required to make an accurate assessment. I'll keep you updated.
Oh, but she was absolutely right about it being better the second
time around. I had another big bowl of the stuff on Sunday for lunch,
and something had happened to it overnight. It went from being excellent
to great, while in the fridge for a few hours. All the flavors
blended together, or some deal, and it got thicker and even more
delicious. Yum.
My Dad used to make a big production out of cooking beans when I was a
kid, and I think that's why I was drawn to this. I'm not generally the
type to attempt such a thing, but this one captured my imagination. And
I'm glad it did.
Thanks Kimberly! I'm going to polish the rest of 'em off for dinner
tonight. It's the birthday present that keeps on giving. Just ask the
ceiling fan.
-- Have you seen this? It's a nice day for a.... White Christmas!
-- And what about this? Just how cool would it be to fall asleep on a
beach while sunbathing, wake up and find yourself surrounded by hundreds
and hundreds of bags of Doritos? I think I've actually had dreams about
that.
-- On a related note, Brad suggested I be on high-alert for this
stuff.
I've never seen it, be he recommends it highly. And since I'm a sucker for such
things, I will try it out, ASAP.
What other novelty snacks would you
suggest? I need to know, people. Use the comments link to hook me up.
I'm making it my life's work to find the "new" Prontos.
And that's going to do it for today, children. I have more, but I spent
the morning plugging and unplugging modems and routers. Like a trained
monkey.
--
Fair warning: This one's going to be kinda quick and unsatisfying. I've
been on the phone all morning with Adelphia, or Comcast, or whatever
they call themselves this week, talking to a man who sounded like he was
floating in a cardboard box out in the middle of an ocean somewhere.