Holy
crap in a Bundt pan...
Due to the
recent well-publicized shortage of
amateur websites produced by assholes who consider themselves to be
clever, I
have been called into action. My name is Jeff Kay, and I’m an
Ugly American living
on the cusp of a mid-life crisis, near Scranton, PA. And I’m here to
serve, baby.
The
State of My Fat Ass A journal of
sorts, updated every once in a while.
--
This is going to be a short week here at TheWVSR. Most likely I'll only
be able to update on Monday and Tuesday, then we'll be pointing the
Toyota hood in the direction of West Virginia and flooring it.
Come Wednesday morning, it'll be time once again to kick-off our annual
Thanksgiving journey to the motherland, for several days of eating
ourselves right up to the cusp of a blackout at my parents' house,
power-farting through thick recliner velour, and all the holiday
traditions Americans hold dear. A splendid time is guaranteed for all,
or something.
I've been loading my iPod with Phil Hendrie, and might try out the
fancy-ass FM transmitter I bought a few months back. On previous
attempts it didn't seem to work correctly. There's a high probability it
was pilot error though, because I'm dumm. But if we're going to be in
the car for eight or ten hours (I have a feeling traffic is gonna eat
it), a little Phil might be just what the doctor ordered. A Bobbie
Dooley marathon would probably calm my shattered nerves during that long
stretch of I-79 where there's no cell service, and you may as well be
hollering "Please help us!? Dear God, my legs!!!!" into
a Dorito. I don't much care for the big honkin' NO SERVICE chunks of
West Virginia.
And speaking of cell phones, Fed-Ex tracking says my new one is
currently in Newark, NJ. It spent the weekend in Memphis, TN, then went
on the move Sunday afternoon. Supposedly it will be delivered to the
Compound at 7:00 pm tomorrow night. My nipples are erect with delight.
Is there anything more exciting than fresh gadgetry? I submit that there
is not.
Last night, with a sweaty bourbon in-hand, I went down to the basement
to find my copy of the best holiday movie of them all. As soon as
Thanksgiving is in the can each year, it officially becomes Homecomingtime!
I wanted to have it ready it to go. So I rifled through the massive Surf
Report film library, housed inside the traditional K-Mart under-bed
storage cartons, and started getting a sinking feeling in my gut. It
wasn't there; I was sans Waltons.
Sunshine!
Grrrr.... The woman is notorious for using my DVD collection as her own
personal Amazon dotcom, without, of course, all the hassles of paying.
Last year I personally removed, with my own sausage fingers, our copy of
A Christmas Story
2-disc special edition, from her purse. We
almost had a war over that one. I mean, what the hell?!
But, as it turns out, Sunshine hadn't
lifted our copy of The Homecoming, I'd just missed it the first
time through. She gets falsely accused of a lot of things around here, I
admit, but there's a reason, goddammit; this stuff doesn't just happen
in a vacuum. Anyway, the DVD is now safe and sound inside the bunker.
And when we return from our trip we'll start the process of watching it
two or three times before Christmas.
Because it's the best holiday movie of them all.
-- Last Thursday it rained here like something out of the Bible. It
poured and poured for hours, and the streets were transformed into
fast-moving streams. The wind was blowing, trees were toppling over all
willy-nilly, and lots of folks lost their electricity. Our recycling bin is
gone forever, apparently caught up in a gust of wind and probably
floating out to sea right now. Crazy, man.
Once it stopped going to town, we walked around the neighborhood for a
while and it felt really weird out there. It was too quiet, the air
seemed strange, and it was crazy-hot. And that was the part that creeped
me out the most. Earlier in the day it had been cold, but the rains made
it warmer. It was the day after tomorrow!
The next morning we heard lots of horror stories about flooded
basements, trees having fallen on parked cars, etc. But it quickly
became old news, at least as far as I was concerned. We hadn't had any
damage, and never lost our power. Pass the beer nuts.
But, as it turns out, that weird-ass storm did a lot more damage than
I'd realized. Several businesses still haven't been able to re-open
(including Krispy Kreme!), and all the schools are closed today. A water
main reportedly shit the bed somewhere, and it's causing all manner of
problems. And some of us are being forced to settle for Dunkin Donuts! Will
someone please hold me?
Now for the really disturbing part.... Toney was watching the
news last night and they mentioned that our town is still under a boil
alert. Don't drink the water, they say, unless you boil it first.
There's still a possibility it's not safe for human consumption.
Still?! We knew nothing of this so-called boil alert, and chugged the
stuff down all weekend. We made coffee with it, cooked with it, showered
in it, and the whole nine yards. And now we're told it's turd water??
Well, that's simply excellent.
All four of us feel a bit queasy this morning, our stomachs a little
upset. Do you think it's all in our heads? Please tell me it is. Holy
crap. We've been guzzling ass since Friday! And I'm not feeling so
hot....
-- Last night, while partaking of the golden elixir and trying to
pretend I hadn't repeatedly brushed my teeth with diarrhea, I decided it
was about time to update the Search Engine page again. So here it
is. The new entries are at the top.
Still, after all this time, I'm amazed.
-- I've received a very suspicious Smoking Fish sighting. Someone with a
fake email address ("notjeffkay".... no @ or domain name or
anything), sent me a note with an attachment a couple of weeks ago. I
clicked on it, and my anti-virus program went wild. So I deleted the
whole thing, and murmured much profanity under my breath.
Then it showed up
again, but with a message that made me believe it might actually be legit.
Here's the
pic that was attached. The whole thing's quite baffling.
And that'll do it for today, boys and girls. I don't really have a
question, so just tell us about your Thanksgiving plans. Are you doing
anything interesting this year? Use the comments link below.
--
This is going to be a short week here at TheWVSR. Most likely I'll only
be able to update on Monday and Tuesday, then we'll be pointing the
Toyota hood in the direction of West Virginia and flooring it.
time!
I wanted to have it ready it to go. So I rifled through the massive Surf
Report film library, housed inside the traditional K-Mart under-bed
storage cartons, and started getting a sinking feeling in my gut. It
wasn't there; I was sans Waltons.