Holy
crap in a Bundt pan...
Due to the
recent well-publicized shortage of
amateur websites produced by assholes who consider themselves to be
clever, I
have been called into action. My name is Jeff Kay, and I’m an
Ugly American living
on the cusp of a mid-life crisis, near Scranton, PA. And I’m here to
serve, baby.
The
State of My Fat Ass A journal of
sorts, updated every once in a while.
--
We took Toney's car in yesterday for its annual state-mandated
inspection. And guess what they told us? Yes, that's correct, they said
it needed ball joints.
When I was a kid it was tonsillitis that was all the rage. Everybody was
having their tonsils out, it was the thing to do. And whenever I'd get a
sore throat, or even sneezed a few times, someone would always predict
that I'd be under the knife soon. I lived in fear of waking up with a
scratchy throat one day, and becoming the victim of trendy surgery by
nightfall.
When our kids were really young, it was ear infections. That was the
malady du jour then, and I have no doubt it's something different but
similar now. Those doctors were constantly itching to insert tubes(!?)
into the heads of our children, put them under sedation and wheel them
into an operating room, and the whole nine yards. Tubes, whatever they
are, were in high-fashion at the time, and I didn't much care for it.
Now it's ball joints. I don't think I'd even heard the phrase until a
few years ago (and I would've remembered because it's hilarious). Now,
it seems, the whole world is talking about ball joints. I hear it at
work, I hear it when I talk to my friends.... It's the rip-off currently
en vogue, I think. And it's starting to piss me off.
-- Since we were out and about extra-early yesterday, it would've been a
shame not to have breakfast at Waffle House. Right? Right.
I was careful to steer clear of the gut-crushing booth, the one where
there's not nearly enough clearance for my thick torso, and we settled
in for a fiesta of fried delights. Then I heard what sounded like a
piece of machinery attempting to run without a drop of oil in the
engine. It was a horrible grinding noise, loud and sustained. The hell?!
Had the ball bearings fallen out of something in there?
No, it was our waitress's voice!
I don't know if it was just decades of bourbon and filterless cigarettes
that did it to her, or if her voice box was destroyed in a catastrophic
industrial accident, or something along those lines. But it was like
nothing I'd ever heard. And I'm from West Virginia.
Holy shit, I'm going to have to go back in
there with a tape recorder, I'm not kidding. I nearly wrecked my own
voice, attempting to imitate her for the rest of the day. It's
unbelievable.
-- As we were paying, a boisterous and robust woman came cascading into
the restaurant. Once again. Toney sorta knows this person through the
school or whatever, and it seems like we run into her everywhere we go.
She dominates every conversation and talks really loud. She usually has
one of those bluetooth devices stuck in her ear, and I find that to be
hilarious for some reason. I suspect she receives auto-alerts from
Krispy Kreme through it, whenever there are hot donuts available.
Anyway, I've noticed this woman always seems to be continuing a
conversation with my wife, not starting new ones. Know what I mean? She
doesn't begin with "Oh hi, how are you?" She just goes right
into it, as if they'd already been talking for a few minutes.
Yesterday,
I swear it's true, she came bounding over to Toney and the first word
out of her mouth was "and."
Who starts a conversation with the word and?!
Have you ever
encountered such a thing? It's bizarre.
-- I went to Best Buy Wednesday night to buy a CD by the band TV On The
Radio. I saw them on Letterman a few weeks ago, and they sounded
pretty good. Best Buy has their new album on sale for $7.99, and I
decided to give it a shot. Someday soon I'll give you (and Buck) a full
report.
As I was walking into the store I saw that a full-on nerd village had
been erected beside the main entrance. There were tents and canopies and
kerosene heaters.... It looked like they had a community happening out
there, with leaders and protectors and the whole deal. Huh. People
waiting to buy Playstation 3, I assumed. What a grand gang of douches.
I asked the cashier when PS3 was going on sale, and he said Friday
morning. This was Wednesday night! How long had they already been there?
I just chuckled and left with my hipster purchase in-hand.
Then I stopped on my way back to the car to snap this photo with my cell
phone camera. You'll notice that it's even more out-of-focus than
normal. That's because I got a little spooked at the last second. What
if they realized I was mocking them, and I got my ass kicked by a gang
of angry virgins with super-human thumbs?
Why, you guys would never let me hear the end of it.
-- Speaking of cell phones, our Verizon contract ended yesterday and
I've already re-upped with them this morning and ordered my new phone.
It's the most exciting time of the year! I went with this
one, and I'm
hoping it will be delivered before we leave for West Virginia next week.
I thought about just going to the Verizon store in Wilkes-Barre, but you
get an extra fifty bucks off if you do it online. So I'll just sweat it
out and hope it arrives on time. I don't want to go on the road with my
boring old phone again. It wasn't boring and old last week, but it sure is
today. Know what I'm sayin'?
Plus, the kick-ass camera in the new phone will allow me to take cruel
mockery to the next level. I'm almost giddy with excitement!
-- Believe it or not I have more of this crapola, but I'm all out of time here. The
question of the day is in relation to the Best Buy nerd village.... Have
you ever camped-out to buy anything? Like concert tickets, or something
like that? I haven't, not once. What about you? Tell us about it, won't
you?
--
We took Toney's car in yesterday for its annual state-mandated
inspection. And guess what they told us? Yes, that's correct, they said
it needed ball joints.