Holy
crap in a Bundt pan...
Due to the
recent well-publicized shortage of
amateur websites produced by assholes who consider themselves to be
clever, I
have been called into action. My name is Jeff Kay, and I’m an
Ugly American living
on the cusp of a mid-life crisis, near Scranton, PA. And I’m here to
serve, baby.
The
State of My Fat Ass A journal of
sorts, updated every once in a while.
--
Since the elections last week, I've pretty much divorced myself from
current events. I've been staying away from news on TV, only listen to
music, Phil Hendrie, and Clive Bull at work, and go directly to the Best
Buy ads in the newspaper, skipping everything else. It gets to be
overwhelming, all the lying shitboxes regurgitating the talking points
of their Democrat or Republican overlords, just spewing forth so much
turd-spangled sewage. And when it reaches that point, it's nice to
retreat back into comfortable ignorance for a while.
Last night Toney and I watched last week's episode of Friday Night
Lights. Our DVR buddy captured it for us on election night, and
polling data was streaming across the bottom of the screen the whole
time. I could feel the draw cord in my sphincter being tugged, ever so
gently. Once, during the final fifteen minutes of the show, local news
broke in with something dull and ate up a big hunk of our mediocre
drama. Bastards! Why can't they just let me be stupid?!
Over the weekend I found myself breaking out the Seinfeld DVDs,
and man, those hit the spot every time. I've also watched the first
three games of the 1975 World Series , which is even better than I could've imagined. I
mean, I know how it's all going to turn out, yet I find myself genuinely
getting into it. I've been having Toney or one of the Secrets put the
discs into the player for me, so I don't know the final score. (They print
it right there on the DVD itself, and all over the boxes.) Then I settle
back and commence to hollering at thirty year old sports.
And speaking of that, I'm having a little trouble with Joe Garagiola.
When I was a kid he was my favorite announcer. He was enthusiastic and
silly, and obviously loved the game. His fifteen minute show The
Baseball World of Joe Garagiola, which aired before Monday Night
Baseball, was not to be missed. When he was behind the mic, it made
every game a little bit better.
But watching him now, I'm not so sure.... He doesn't seem to have the
analytical skills of the other announcers, and it felt like Tony Kubek
was always stepping in to rescue him from some crackpot
"observation" that led to an intellectual cul-de-sac. And his
little homespun sayings often made no sense whatsoever. An outfielder
might dive for a ball and make a spectacular catch, and Garagiola will
say something like, "Boy, that was just like a Chinese man eating a
picnic lunch in the top of a willow tree, wasn't it Tony?" TF?!
I still have a warm spot in my heart
for him, though. He was the man, back when baseball was still baseball.
Pass the chaw.
Phil Hendrie has been doing
these short little podcasts for his subscribers, and the last two have
made me a tad uncomfortable. The earlier installments featured him
simply talking about things that are going on in his life, along with a
few stray comments about pop culture, etc. It was like an audio version
of a blog, sorta kinda. But the last two have been full of racial slurs
and profanity. Apparently he's trying to take things in a different
direction?
In one he's playing a character, and says the N-word, as it's known,
about a hundred times. It was mildly amusing for about, oh, sixty
seconds, but it went on for eight or nine minutes(!). The guy was
Southern (of course), droning on about something or other, and kept
interrupting his speech by yelling at his son to turn off "that
n---- music." The "son" answered, "But Dad, it's
Simon and Garfunkel." By my calculations, the thing was too long by
roughly 97%.
The latest edition is dedicated entirely to anal sex, with all manner of
coarse language. I didn't much care for it either. It's nice that Phil
no longer has to deal with the FCC and corporate censors, but that
doesn't mean he has to go full-blown Junior High School with it. Ya
know? Repeatedly saying fuck is not an acceptable substitute for
humor. I think Gandhi said that.
Here's a photograph of me listening to
Phil Hendrie's latest podcast.
Eventually, I'm certain, he'll get his sea legs and start delivering the
genius again. In the meantime, of course, I'll continue to view his
radio archives like a tuberculosis patient looks at his iron lung. Or
whatever.
During my self-imposed exile from the "real world," I've also
discovered My Morning Jacket. I'd read positive things about them, but
for some reason believed they were a garage band from New Zealand. No
joke. It turns out they're actually from Kentucky.... I ordered their
album Z
through yourmusic dotcom, and man, that shit is excellent. I've been all
up in it, for days now. It reminds me, at the same time, of Wilco and
Neil Young. How come you guys didn't tell me about them? I'm holding you
all personally responsible.
And I've got 49
Up coming from Netflix, and Police
Squad! arrived yesterday. I just polished off another Bentley
Little book,
and started a biography of the late
great Doug Kenney
. With all these things combined, I've been able to effectively block
out the life-sapping drip drip drip of the 24-hour news cycle,
and the high-douche world of political punditry.
With any luck at all, it'll take hold and eventually I won't know anything
of value. Wish me luck.
--
Since the elections last week, I've pretty much divorced myself from
current events. I've been staying away from news on TV, only listen to
music, Phil Hendrie, and Clive Bull at work, and go directly to the Best
Buy ads in the newspaper, skipping everything else. It gets to be
overwhelming, all the lying shitboxes regurgitating the talking points
of their Democrat or Republican overlords, just spewing forth so much
turd-spangled sewage. And when it reaches that point, it's nice to
retreat back into comfortable ignorance for a while.
,
and man, those hit the spot every time. I've also watched the first
three games of the 