Holy
crap in a Bundt pan...
Due to the
recent well-publicized shortage of
amateur websites produced by assholes who consider themselves to be
clever, I
have been called into action. My name is Jeff Kay, and I’m an
Ugly American living
on the cusp of a mid-life crisis, near Scranton, PA. And I’m here to
serve, baby.
The
State of My Fat Ass A journal of
sorts, updated every once in a while.
--
A few days ago we were in Sam's, the exclusive club we belong to, and
there was a corpulent young lady there passing out samples of gravy.
Needless to say, it was an offer I couldn't refuse. She put a gob of
instant stuffing into a tiny shot glass-sized plastic cup, smothered it
with steaming liquefied meat, then passed it to me. And it was damn
good.
Sensing interest in her product, the fleshy career-girl quickly launched
into a sales pitch for my benefit.
She held up a large container filled with what looked like playground
sand, and told me one cup (or whatever) makes a gallon of gravy.
She said that most people use an old plastic milk jug, pour in the sand,
top it off with tap water, and instantly they have a gallon of delicious
beef, turkey, or chicken gravy. It's so simple anyone can do it, she
said, and it even has authentic "bits."
I was mildly offended by the fact she felt the need to play the even
retards can do it card, but that wasn't what I was thinking about as
I walked away. No, I was contemplating the repeated coupling of the
words gravy and gallon.
Maybe I'm behind the times, but I couldn't think of a single situation
where a person, under normal circumstances, would require 128 ounces of
turkey gravy all at once. I really couldn't. Maybe if we were running a
shelter for the homeless, or something like that.... But this woman
seemed to be pitching it to the Average Joe. Are Toney and I the ones
out of touch, yet again? Should I be ashamed to admit to you folks that
we don't stockpile gravy in bulk, here at the Compound?
As I strolled past a display of faggoty men's underwear, and tried to
ignore the disturbing photo of a man on the front with what appeared to
be a baking potato stuffed down the front of his britches, I kept
thinking about that gravy. And the gallon milk jug. And what the
benefits might be.
I mean, we're planning to drive to my parents' house for Thanksgiving.
Maybe we can mix up a big batch of the stuff before we leave, and have
it in the car for the long journey? Whenever one of us gets hungry
(thirsty?) we can just grab the jug and take a big hit off it?
And if I were still going to the gym (ha!), it would be great to fill a
sports bottle with a light chicken gravy, and sip it while working out
on a treadmill. Ya know?
I believe I'm starting to warm to the
idea.... Can you think of any additional benefits of maintaining an
inventory of outsize containers of gravy at your house? I have a feeling
I'm only scratching the surface of the tip of the iceberg here. Help me
out, people.
Oh, and what the fuck are "bits?"
-- I know this one's kinda short, but I'm almost done here.... Before I
go, I'd like to alert you to this great Weird Al video where he's
channeling Bob Dylan and speaking in palindromes. The man's a genius, I
tell ya. The new
one, "White & Nerdy" is excellent too.
And were you aware that after next week's episode of LOST, it's
going off the air until February 7?! I wasn't, but apparently it's true.
ABC is promoting next Wednesday's installment as the "Fall Season
Finale," which I'm almost certain is a phrase they pulled straight
out of their asses. There's no such thing as a fall season finale,
who are they trying to fool here?
Man, what a kick to the luggage....
Finally, I was listening to a Phil Hendrie bit yesterday that made me
think of Buck, if you can believe it. It featured one of my favorite
Hendrie characters, Korean War veteran Lloyd Bonafide, who was
agonizing over a neighbor he's convinced is a hooker. As any regular
Surf Reporter will know, this is a scenario
straight out of Buck's world, who frequently writes about his dealings with a
"loose" neighbor.
The file is too big to feature directly at
the site, but I uploaded it here. It'll remain there for seven days or
100 downloads, whichever comes first. Give it a listen if you're so
inclined, it's freakin' hilarious.
And that'll do it for today, children. You guys have yourselves a great Thursday,
and I'll see ya tomorrow.
--
A few days ago we were in Sam's, the exclusive club we belong to, and
there was a corpulent young lady there passing out samples of gravy.
Needless to say, it was an offer I couldn't refuse. She put a gob of
instant stuffing into a tiny shot glass-sized plastic cup, smothered it
with steaming liquefied meat, then passed it to me. And it was damn
good.