Holy
crap in a Bundt pan...
Due to the
recent well-publicized shortage of
amateur websites produced by assholes who consider themselves to be
clever, I
have been called into action. My name is Jeff Kay, and I’m an
Ugly American living
on the cusp of a mid-life crisis, near Scranton, PA. And I’m here to
serve, baby.
The
State of My Fat Ass A journal of
sorts, updated every once in a while.
--
The minor computer problems I encountered last week scared me enough to
go out and buy one of these babies over the
weekend. It cost me $119, with a
$50 mail-in rebate, for a final cost of $69, at Circuit City. Hell, the
$119 was cheaper than Best Buy ($129), not even taking into account the
rebate. I think I got a pretty good deal.
So now the thing is sitting beside me on the floor here, unopened and
still inside the bag. It'll probably remain in that spot for several
weeks, until I work up enough courage to screw around with it, and begin
running my hands through my hair like a speed freak. Yeah, yeah, I know.
It's plug and play, right? Don't even start with me.... Plug and
play, my sweet pantied ass. Why not tell me about all the pretty
unicorns that gallop through the woods while you're at it?
As you might suspect, I don't go into these kinds of purchases all
willy-nilly. No, I dragged the oldest Secret all over town on Saturday,
comparing and contemplating my best course of action. It didn't take
long for the whining to begin: "Can we just go home? Pleeease?!"
I answered, as usual, with a grunt, and a turning-up of the volume on my
Cracker CD.
We started at Sam's, where we built a good computer components shopping
foundation by ingesting two hot dogs each at the snack bar. Like last
visit there was no sauerkraut at the fixins station, and this time I
went back to complain. The woman at the counter hollered at a man
sweeping in the corner, and told him to go find me some
"kraut."
The guy was wearing two hair nets: one on his head, and another around
his chin and beard. He looked like he was ready for surgery, and it took
considerable effort for me not to laugh straight in his face. He found a
box of individual-serving packets in the cabinet, and began filling up
the kraut reservoir with them. He didn't hand me one, he just started
filling the thing up while blocking access, requiring me to wait until
he was done. Grrr....
I went back to the table and got my hotdogs, figuring I could at least
squirt a little mustard on them while I waited. But the pump mechanism
didn't seem to be functioning properly, and I couldn't get anything to
come out. I hit it several times, fearing a condiment explosion, but
nothing happened. Finally, after nearly dislocating my shoulder in an
exasperated pump-frenzy, a giant glob shot out, way up on the north end
of the wiener.
Great Christ almighty! It was enough
mustard for ten hot dogs. I'd have to remove most of it, and use
the glob for both dogs. I needed a knife, or a fork, or something.
The dude was still busy re-stocking the fixins counter, and I saw that
he'd filled not only the drinking straw compartment with straws, but
also every plastic utensils slot. I'm in that place enough to know where
things go, and the guy had packed the fork, spork, and knife holes with
straws. There must've been five thousand of them, at least a year's
supply, and not a single plastic knife. Is he semi-retarded or
something? I just don't know.
I asked if he had any knives, and he told me they're not allowed to let
customers use them. "We keep them behind the counter," he
said. I told him I meant plastic knives, but he just looked at me
confused, and adjusted the elastic on his beard net.
Screw it. I took one of his hundreds and hundreds of straws, and began
preparing my dogs for their return journey to the table. And as soon as
he saw me take one straw away, he frantically replaced it with about
five more, having to work hard to squeeze them in. That shit was
packed-out.
I had to use the straw to spread around the massive mustard glob, and in
the process got the stuff all over me. I had some smeared on my left
forearm, and a little was on my jacket sleeve. Also, the straw at one
point got bent back a little, then sprang free and launched a wad
of mustard through the air, finally landing in the floor over by the
cash registers. The Secret laughed so hard he almost choked.
Sam's had a hard drive that was intriguing, but I didn't like the sound
of the brand: SimpleTech. For some reason that didn't provide me with
much comfort. But it was $85, for 160 GB. I'd have to keep it in mind.
Staples only had four or five to choose from, and most were 500 or 600
GB. Shit man, I'm not planning to run the NASA space program from my
house. I just need something to do back-ups and store my Hendrie files. No
need to get carried away.
We went to Best Buy, and they had nothing for less than $100. The
cheapest was that same SimpleTech drive, for $115. Ha! Remember when
that store had good prices? Yeah, I do too.
Finally, we ended up at Circuit City, and after considerable hemming and
hawing, I bought the Seagate model with the rebate. I don't like that
business where I give them some of my money to hold for a while, then
they give it back, provided I don't make any mistakes preparing the
paperwork.
But whatever. It was cocktail hour.
As we were leaving a police car and two ambulances came screaming into
the parking lot, and stopped in front of Pet Smart. And as we drove the
Secret and I offered various guesses as to what might have happened.
I wondered if a big basset hound had pissed in there, and somebody
slipped on it and exploded their spinal cord. Customers are allowed to
take their dogs inside that store, and I've seen more than one empty
their bladders right in the floor -- in a retail setting. If you don't
believe me, walk through the front door of that place, stop, and take a
great big whiff.
The Secret started spinning a complicated tale about an escaped
"exotic bird" terrorizing the customers, and causing mayhem. I
began doing the six o'clock news report, playing the part of the anchor,
and told of a woman being pecked into submission. The Secret
added, with theatrical solemnity, "No word on her condition."
We were both laughing our asses off. Is that wrong, considering that
somebody was probably hurt or dying of a heart attack? I don't know, but
he's finally to
the point where he can join in with the adult insensitivity, and has
almost completely graduated from the (let's face it) kid-style stupid
shit.
Good times.
Yeah, and I'd only meant to write a paragraph or two about that hard
drive.... I don't know how these things happen. But I'll leave you now
with a couple of fresh Smoking Fish sightings, captured for the ages by
Kenju. Very cool! Thanks, as always.
And finally, something new from lakrfool. Right here.
I don't really have a Question of the Day, so I'll take a suggestion
from someone in the comments last week, and do some casual demographic
research. How old are you? Are readers of the site roughly my age (43),
or from all age groups? I'd be interested in knowing.
--
The minor computer problems I encountered last week scared me enough to
go out and buy one of 
over the
weekend. It cost me $119, with a
$50 mail-in rebate, for a final cost of $69, at Circuit City. Hell, the
$119 was cheaper than Best Buy ($129), not even taking into account the
rebate. I think I got a pretty good deal.