Holy
crap in a Bundt pan...
Due to the
recent well-publicized shortage of
amateur websites produced by assholes who consider themselves to be
clever, I
have been called into action. My name is Jeff Kay, and I’m an
Ugly American living
on the cusp of a mid-life crisis, near Scranton, PA. And I’m here to
serve, baby.
The
State of My Fat Ass A journal of
sorts, updated every once in a while.
--
Sorry about yesterday. I had some minor computer problems and got myself
so worked-up I couldn't function. Around 8:30, as I was chattering my
teeth and flailing about, Toney apparently thought she'd better do
something. So she stuck her head into the bunker and said, "Waffle
House?" She may have saved my life, I don't know....
Even this morning, my shit is acting weird. I'd been meaning to brag
about how fast my computer starts up in the morning, since I uninstalled
AOL Instant Messenger, but I can't really make that claim anymore. It
sounds like something is running in the background, something
undoubtedly insidious and not in my best interest, and slowing
everything down.
I've hit it with every scan at my disposal, but the clicking persists.
Until, I guess, it's done broadcasting my banking information, social
security number, date of birth, and length & girth statistics to
Paco in Venezuela, or whatever. George is getting irritated!
Yesterday it was something else, and tomorrow it will probably be a
new "opportunity" for me. I'm very seriously thinking about
investing in an external hard drive. If this thing shits the bed on me,
I'm going to be in a world of hurt. I could sleep a lot easier if I knew
the site was all backed-up, safe and sound, on a second machine. Also I
could use it to store my Phil Hendrie archive and ample collection of
"vintage erotica," and not clog up my main computer.
Any opinions or advice on this subject? I need all the help I can get.
-- I watched Plan 9 From Outer Space a few nights ago. Supposedly
it's the worst movie ever made, but I don't know about that. Sure, the
so-called special effects are laughable, the acting is bad, the
continuity is all screwed up, and the script is awful. But at least it's
not boring.
I dated a girl, back during a previous lifetime, who was into art films
and foreign movies, and all that stuff. I'd regularly find myself at
horrible, musty-smelling theaters on Friday nights, with lobbies full of
pretentious pricks in turtlenecks, smoking skinny brown cigarettes held
between their middle and ring fingers, pontificating with great
earnestness through ludicrous facial hair.
And I know, for a fact, that some of the movies I saw during that era
were much, much worse than Plan 9. Wow!
Generally these flicks would have a
running time of two hours or so, but it often felt like we were in our
seats for days. It was like astronaut training. Most of the bad
ones were bad because they were crushingly dull, and impossible to
follow. Usually there was a lot of "imagery" that was supposed
to mean something other than the obvious; it was like advanced
mathematics. And fuck dat.
I remember one in particular. It was at a theater in Atlanta, at the
former site of a famous rock club where the Sex Pistols played their
first U.S. show, and half of the movie featured a fat girl in a formal
dress sitting in
the top of an apple tree, for reasons unknown, saying things in a
different language, crying, pouting, and making faces. Hours of
this. By the time it was over I was almost in tears. Why was this thing
made? What was the point of it?? And more importantly, why had I paid
good money to watch it?!
Plan 9 is goddamn Citizen Kane compared to that bullshit.
Coincidentally, Toney was dating a guy during that same period who was
also into arthouse crapola, and we were probably at some of the same
theaters, at the same time. In fact, it wouldn't surprise me to learn
that my ex and her ex ended up together. Living happily ever after in
the warm glow of their mutual hipness.
What do you think is the worst movie of all time?
-- Speaking of dull, are any of you watching Studio 60 on NBC?
Yeah, I'm giving it one more week, and if it doesn't improve I'm outta
here. I was jazzed about it after the first show, but all of my
enthusiasm has since evaporated. I mean, who wants to watch a bunch of
sour, miserable, preachy-ass mofos wallow in pessimism and rooms with
low-lighting? I don't. Hell, they've even managed to turn Chandler into
an insufferable ball-baby bitch of a man.
And all the heavy-handed, condescending political commentary.... If a
person were to take a drink every time a character on that show used the
term "religious right," they'd be drunk and shitting the
silverware drawer by the halfway point. For the love of all mankind,
just give it a rest already!
Toney proclaimed this week's episode "torturous," and I think
that's an apt description. I'm being mighty generous to give them one
more week, and I hope they appreciate it. I really do.
The Nine isn't doing much for me either, but I'm quite enjoying Friday
Night Lights. The fake Southern accents are a bit irritating, but at
least it's fun to watch. I'm getting the feeling it'll be the only one
that makes the cut....
And that's a progress report on the new shows we're watching this year.
How about you? Have you found anything good?
-- There are lots more things I wanted to touch on today, but I guess they'll
have to wait until Friday. Lame, man. What's happening to me?? In the meantime,
here's something
new (and perfectly timed) from our old friend Buck.
--
Sorry about yesterday. I had some minor computer problems and got myself
so worked-up I couldn't function. Around 8:30, as I was chattering my
teeth and flailing about, Toney apparently thought she'd better do
something. So she stuck her head into the bunker and said, "Waffle
House?" She may have saved my life, I don't know....