Holy
crap in a Bundt pan...
Due to the
recent well-publicized shortage of
amateur websites produced by assholes who consider themselves to be
clever, I
have been called into action. My name is Jeff Kay, and I’m an
Ugly American living
on the cusp of a mid-life crisis, near Scranton, PA. And I’m here to
serve, baby.
The
State of My Fat Ass A journal of
sorts, updated every once in a while.
--
We winterized our camper over the weekend and I'm proud to announce that
I didn't have to call my Dad even once. I even emptied the hot water
tank, the part that usually gets me to running my hands through my hair,
muttering illogical cuss-combinations, and reaching for the cell
phone. But I guess I'm learning, because the job was done with no
problems. Same goes for the draining of the lines underneath. Toney
removed the food, took the TV out of there, and, all in all, it was a
fairly painless exercise.
I haven't said it in front of the Secrets, but I'm pretty sure we've
reached the end of the line with that rolling box o' beds. I think that
horrible heat-blast trip we took in the summer was final confirmation
that we're not really Camping People. Of all the excursions we took in
that thing, we're only able to remember two with any fondness
whatsoever. And I think we're fooling ourselves with one of 'em.
Our first trip to Myrtle Beach seems like a success to us now. But in
reality it rained a lot of the time, which turned our campsite into to
an open-face strip mine. And at night the wind cranked up to about 50
mph, and I was convinced, convinced!, that the bitch was about to turn
over, and I'd end up with a length of aluminum through my neck. Plus
there's the issue of our beer cooler being stolen in the dead of
night.... Man, I'm still pissed about that. So, if we really want to be
honest about it, I think time has succeeded in sanding off some of the
rough edges of that vacation.
A couple of years ago we went to Cooperstown, NY, and that was a lot of
fun. The weather was perfect, the area is beautiful, and nothing
terrible happened. But that was our lone successful outing in the pop-up
camper (of despair).
So, we'll probably put it up for sale in the spring. Hell, I don't even
have a vehicle to pull it with anymore, so why fool ourselves? The kids
won't be very happy about it, but I'm sure with a little grief
counseling they'll pull through. And we'll do other things; it
doesn't mean we'll never go anywhere ever again. Right? ...Hello?
Next spring it looks like we're locked-in to visiting Sunshine and
Mumbles in Reno. They come here all the time (it goes without saying),
and now they're turning up the heat on Toney for us to visit them for a
change. Simply excellent. The thought of spending a couple thousand
dollars for the privilege of sitting on a couch for four days and
listening to Sunshine pontificate about bizarre conspiracy theories has
me all a-tingle.
But maybe we can do a day trip to Lake
Tahoe while we're there, possibly even San Francisco, and make the best
of it?
Do I sound skeptical?
Also, we're planning a really cool trip for the summer. My Mom and Dad
are always wanting the boys to come stay with them for a while, and
Toney and I might parlay that into a return to Atlanta. We'll drop the
Secrets and Andy off at my folks' house (for several days of spoilage
and fun), and Toney and I will continue on to Hotlanta. We haven't been
there in almost ten years, and I'd love to go back. The food... the
bars... the squalor... Man, I'm all jacked about that one.
And we have a couple of other tentative things up our sleeves. We'll see
how it goes. If we play our cards right, nobody will even notice that we
sold the camper and bought a giant television with the money. Ahem.
What about you? I know it's early, but do you have any trips planned for
next summer? Tell us about it, dammit.
-- As promised, Gregscalade sent me a pic of a common toilet in Japan
that he snapped on a recent visit there. Check this thing out.
Apparently you're supposed to just squat over it, and yell, Bombs
Away! Or, if you prefer, Tora! Tora! Tora!
I don't know...
You'd practically have to strip naked just to take a crap. Then there'd
be the whole issue of aiming, with much larger ramifications than we
Americans are accustomed to. I'd be willing to bet that it's not
uncommon to enter a bathroom stall in Japan and finding one hanging off
the lip of the bowl, like a slice of lemon on a glass of iced tea. Ya
know?
And have they never heard of Tilex over there?? Holy shit.
-- Speaking of Atlanta, here are the Top 20 Blackest and Whitest Names,
according to ABC News.
-- This thing kicks off on Friday night, and I've already given the DVR
its marching orders. Pretty darn cool, I think.
-- I bought this postcard a couple of days ago through an eBay auction.
It's my hometown in 1917. If you look closely you can see my
great-grandfather holding the wrong end of a screwdriver, and bitching
about the heat.
-- My friend Tim saw an, um, interesting article in People
magazine recently, while sitting in a doctor's office waiting room. He
thoughtfully ripped the page out and mailed it to me, and here it
is. Freaky, man. Like Omen freaky. Check out the hat!
-- I snapped this pic in a so-called
party store over the weekend. Turn your TV into a strobe light, boyee!
-- Finally, this is pretty great. I think Brad tipped me off to it. Can
you name them all? I can.
And I've got more of this stuff, but it's gonna have to wait. You guys
have a great day, y'hear?
--
We winterized our camper over the weekend and I'm proud to announce that
I didn't have to call my Dad even once. I even emptied the hot water
tank, the part that usually gets me to running my hands through my hair,
muttering illogical cuss-combinations, and reaching for the cell
phone. But I guess I'm learning, because the job was done with no
problems. Same goes for the draining of the lines underneath. Toney
removed the food, took the TV out of there, and, all in all, it was a
fairly painless exercise.