Holy
crap in a Bundt pan...
Due to the
recent well-publicized shortage of
amateur websites produced by assholes who consider themselves to be
clever, I
have been called into action. My name is Jeff Kay, and I’m an
Ugly American living
on the cusp of a mid-life crisis, near Scranton, PA. And I’m here to
serve, baby.
The
State of My Fat Ass A journal of
sorts, updated every once in a while.
--
So, I was buying a sack of donuts over the weekend, apple cider donuts
to be precise (yum), and it cost $3.18 with tax. I gave the
acne-spangled high school girl behind the counter a twenty, then began
digging in my pocket for change. But she didn't know I was digging, and
went ahead and tapped 20.00 into the cash register. Then I said,
"Wait, I have a quarter!"
And you should've seen the panic that overtook her.
She had no idea how to proceed, and said so. She mumbled, "Oh man,
I won't be able to figure this out.' Then all the gears jammed, and it
was a case of suspended animation at the donut shop. She started looking
off into the distance like Putty.
I said, kind of low, so as not to embarrass her, "You owe me
$17.07." Her reaction? Yes, that's correct. She got pissed, and
slammed the money into my hand, and made a bunch of those teenage girl
faces we've all seen, like she can't believe, simply can't believe,
the stupidity she's forced to endure.
All I wanted was some damn donuts.
-- I ordered a copy of Phyllis Diller's autobiography yesterday. I think it only
came out last year, yet it cost me $2 plus shipping through half dotcom
-- in "new" condition. Kinda sad.
When I was kid Phyllis Diller was some crazy woman who appeared on game
shows and Johnny Carson, and laughed real loud. I didn't know much about
her; she seemed to be one of those professional celebrities, like
Elizabeth Taylor.
But then I caught one of her stand-up routines on HBO, and the shit was
funny. I remember she launched into an extended jag of cruel one-liners
about a fat woman, that practically had me hyper-ventilating. Oh, my
Gabe Kaplan hair was undoubtedly on the move that night. I just
couldn't stop laughing.
I've been a fan ever since. In fact, shortly after that HBO special I
sat down and wrote a batch of my own fat jokes, and mailed them to her.
I'd done some research on her, and read that she bought jokes for $50
each. So I sent her a packet, and hoped for the best.
I can still remember one of them: She's so fat, when she changes her
clothes she has to pull the blinds down in four rooms!
Yeah, I never got a response. But I still like her, and I'm looking
forward to reading her story.
-- Speaking of funny, October is supposed
to be a big month for us Phil Hendrie phanatics. That's when his website
will no longer be owned by the MegaCorporation radio syndication
company, and reverts to Phil himself. And he's been promising Big
Things.
Like, for instance, an archive that's to include every show ever
broadcast during his California years, each in their entirety. That's ten
years of material, a mind-boggling amount of genius. Plus, and this
really has the geeks a-buzzing, he's been hinting at doing three hours
of brand new web-only material each week. For subscribers only, of
course.
Already there are full shows on the site, dating back to 2001. I listen
to one every day at work. I'd only been a full-blown nerd about Phil
Hendrie for the last two or three years before he retired. Prior to that
I listened casually, when I could, and there's tons of stuff from 2003
and earlier that I've never heard. The seven dollars I spend every month
for a Hendrie "backstage pass" is an investment that's paid
big dividends for me.
But I'm concerned.... I worry that once the site becomes Phil's
responsibility, it'll prove to be a pain in his ass. He said several
times that about 15,000 people subscribe. But that was back when his
show was on the air. You know that number has dwindled big-time by now.
I have a feeling it's only the hard-core, the true mental patients, who
are hanging on at this point. And the site must be very expensive to
maintain, what with all that streaming audio and everything.... I just
have a bad feeling.
So I need to know: how can I quickly and easily convert the streaming
shows into mp3 files, and start building a serious archive here at the
Compound? I have a nifty program called Total Recorder that works really
well, but it has to be done in real time; the entire show has to play,
and it "records" it. Is there a way I can do it quickly,
without having to let the shows play out? That would take forever, and
I'm a very busy man, what with all the Funyuns and whatnot.
Right now they offer Real Audio and Microsoft Media streaming only.
Supposedly they're going to add mp3s, but they'll have to strip out all
the music, and I hate that. I'd like to make my own mp3 files from the
streaming audio. Can any of you help me with this?
Someday, before everything goes away, I need to have all that stuff on
my own external hard drive, all safe and sound. Talking Points
appreciates your assistance in this matter.
-- Sheryl is the official winner of the Guess How Many E-mails Jeff Will
Have contest, from earlier in the week. She said 729, and I had 691. And
for the record, I never invoked the Bob Barker rule, so it doesn't
matter that she went over. She was the closest, and she gets the prize.
Sheryl, if you're still out there, send me a note to jeff(at)thewvsr.com.
My people will get with your people, and we'll get this all hammered
out. Thanks to everyone for playing.
-- One more follow-up, before I throw in the towel on this bitch.... I
watched Deuce Bigalow: Male Gigolo last night, and the verdict is
in: still funny. The Tourette's segment is a personal favorite (scrotum!),
but the whole thing is full of inventive low-brow stupidity. And if you
think that's easy to pull-off, smart guy, just try it sometime....
Is the second
movie any good? I'm very skeptical. Lightning never strikes twice, as
they say. Any opinions?
-- And I don't really have a question of the day. So I'll just ask you
about a subject I've had scribbled in my notebook for months, and
haven't done anything with: drive-in movies. Do you have any interesting
stories to tell about them? I do, but don't have the time or energy to
get into it today. Shockingly enough, alcohol plays a big part in most
of my stories. Plus a little vandalism, and a carload of teenage boys
hollering at the top of their lungs, "TITS!! LOOK AT THOSE
TITS!!!"
What about you? Why not tell us about it in the comments, huh?
--
So, I was buying a sack of donuts over the weekend, apple cider donuts
to be precise (yum), and it cost $3.18 with tax. I gave the
acne-spangled high school girl behind the counter a twenty, then began
digging in my pocket for change. But she didn't know I was digging, and
went ahead and tapped 20.00 into the cash register. Then I said,
"Wait, I have a quarter!"
yesterday. I think it only
came out last year, yet it cost me $2 plus shipping through half dotcom
-- in "new" condition. Kinda sad.