Holy
crap in a Bundt pan...
Due to the
recent well-publicized shortage of
amateur websites produced by assholes who consider themselves to be
clever, I
have been called into action. My name is Jeff Kay, and I’m an
Ugly American living
on the cusp of a mid-life crisis, near Scranton, PA. And I’m here to
serve, baby.
The
State of My Fat Ass A journal of
sorts, updated every once in a while.
--
As I was saying.... My week of vacation went well. I generally come out
of these things beating myself up and wanting to throw my head beneath a
bus wheel, for blowing yet another golden opportunity. But not so this
time. I got a lot accomplished during my five days away from work and
the website, and don't feel guilty at all. Go figure.
My plan was to finish at least a first draft of one of my
extracurricular writing projects, and while I didn't get all the way
there, I got almost all the way there. And based on my history,
and being completely honest with myself, I recognize it as the miracle
it is. On Friday afternoon, when I finally threw in the towel and looked
back at everything I'd finished during the week, I was amazed. I'd
fucking done it.
Toney even admitted she was surprised I
didn't find some excuse along the way to abandon my writing plans, and
just lay around watching Jimmy Stewart movies all week, and
power-farting through the upholstery. She didn't come right out and say
it like that, of course, but it's what she meant. And I knew exactly the
way she felt.
Every day I got up at my normal time, as if I were going to the office.
I was fully shitted, showered, and shaved and in front of the computer
before the Secrets left for school, and Toney went to work. And, except
for a brief lunch break, I worked continuously until they got home.
It was great, the kind of thing that
makes a man think dangerous thoughts. Like, how absolutely kick-ass
would it be if I could do this for a living? But, of course, there were
no monetary pressures last week, nothing at risk, so it's not really an
accurate portrayal. If I knew my family might not eat unless I'm able to
crank out twenty more halfway-decent paragraphs tonight, I have a
feeling the fun would go right out of it. Ya know?
But it's a nice little fantasy to cling to, reality be damned.
A weird thing though... Near the end of Day Two I started feeling like I
was becoming disconnected. I'd been locked inside this room for a couple
of days by then, with little contact to the outside world. Oh, I checked
Drudge a couple of times per day, just to make sure we weren't in a
nuclear war or anything, but for the most part there was no internet,
newspaper, telephone, radio, or TV. It began to take its toll.
That evening I took the youngest Secret
to his soccer practice, and hung out to watch. Everything felt strange,
like I was visiting a place where I didn't truly belong. Dads were
standing around in their pressed slacks, talking about work stuff. I
hadn't been at work for four days, and wouldn't be there again for
another six. And, to my amazement, I realized I hadn't even been
thinking about it. I'd been so busy, so into something else, I was
having a hard time relating to the crapola that generally dominates a
person's life. Already.
By Day Four I noticed I was also starting to develop hard and fast
eating-based routines, like an old man who goes into retirement and
almost immediately turns nutty. I had a really good lunch at Taco Bell
on Monday, and unconsciously began structuring the following days around
that one magic meal.
It was the #5 combo, in case you're interested: Nachos Bell Grande, a
taco supreme, and a large Mountain Dew Baja Blast. It costs $5.71 with
tax, which breaks the five dollar rule. But screw it, everything
was out the window last week.
I had to leave the house at exactly 12:30 for my #5, this became very
important to me. And I attempted to eat at the same table every day as
well. If somebody was already sitting in my regular spot, I'd endeavor
to at least be facing in the "correct" direction. One day I
was delayed and wasn't able to go to lunch until almost 1 o'clock, and
was highly agitated from that point on.
Imagine my alarm when I realized what was happening to me. I was one
step away from jigsaw puzzles and/or Civil War figurines! I can't say
I'm happy to be going back to work today, but for the sake of my mental
health.... I believe it's time.
Here's a sneak peek at last week's
extracurricular writing project, especially for the readers of The West Virginia
Surf Report. Thanks for your patience, and for returning here today.
-- My parents are at the Compound visiting, so my first day back is
gonna be kind of lame, I'm sorry to say. I'm surprised my mother hasn't
been in here already, looking over my shoulder and busting out with a
full interrogation. I'll get back into it tomorrow, I promise.
In the meantime, here are few random items for ya....
This
is a soon-to-be-released National Lampoon book that reportedly
features The Wal-Mart Game. The check is in the mail, they say. Maybe
it'll arrive this morning? Hello?
Lucas, a Surf Reporter with more seniority than almost anyone, sends
along this beer-themed haiku:
yuengling
golden elixir
from our oldest brewery
best served for breakfast
Thanks man!
And I, like all of you, regularly receive forwarded "comedy"
emails all day long, every day of the week. I'm fairly confident I've
seen them all by now, and have a mighty itchy delete finger. But
somebody sent me a collection of least popular children's books
last week that actually made me chuckle. It seems like I might have seen
it before, but it's pretty good, nonetheless. Check 'em out, here.
Finally, the question of the day.... How many emails do you think I'll
have at work when I get there this morning? I was out all last week. I
turned on my "office assistant" which is an auto-responder
that hints around to not, for the love of God, send me any unnecessary
messages during the week. But I'm not sure how much good that
does....
The
person closest to the correct number will win an honest to goodness Surf
Report-certified compact disc, procured via the massive
network of liars and backstabbers.
So get your guesses in, boys and girls! Only one per person, please. I mean, seriously.
--
As I was saying.... My week of vacation went well. I generally come out
of these things beating myself up and wanting to throw my head beneath a
bus wheel, for blowing yet another golden opportunity. But not so this
time. I got a lot accomplished during my five days away from work and
the website, and don't feel guilty at all. Go figure.
is a soon-to-be-released National Lampoon book that reportedly
features 