Holy
crap in a Bundt pan...
Due to the
recent well-publicized shortage of
amateur websites produced by assholes who consider themselves to be
clever, I
have been called into action. My name is Jeff Kay, and I’m an
Ugly American living
on the cusp of a mid-life crisis, near Scranton, PA. And I’m here to
serve, baby.
The
View From Down Here A journal of
sorts, updated every once in a while.
--Our Season of Way Too Much continues today.My parents are currently en route, and will be staying at Jeff
& Toney’s Bed and Breakfast Inn
and Old Country Saloon through Sunday.
Tomorrow I think we’re going to Knoebels again, and there are other
similar items on the docket as well.It’s been one of the strangest summers of my ridiculous life...
Nobody can accuse us of not taking advantage of my “time off.”Oh, we’ve done plenty.But
during all our travels and adventures, there’s always something
nagging and gnawing at the back of my mind:my, um, employment deficit.
So, it’s been bizarre; almost unreal.We’re doing many of the things we want to do, but I can’t
fully enjoy them.I’m sort
of detached from it all, being there physically, and somewhere else as
well.Know what I mean?It’s hard to explain...
Last year we didn’t do a damn thing, and felt guilty about it.And this summer we did a lot, and felt guilty about it.
And so it goes.
--There’s a lot of
season-jumping going on up here, and it pisses me off.For the past few days it’s been, as they say, unseasonably
cool.And doucheketeers have
taken to wearing full-on winter coats.
It irritates me, because it’s stupid.For one thing it’s not so cold you need to break out the
freakin’ arctic expedition parka.Ya know?It’s like
60 degrees, or something.Get
real.
Plus, it’s August.Common
sense tells us it’ll be hotter than an Operation Overlord scrotum
again within a matter of days.And
we’ll all be gasping for air and fanning ourselves like a nation of
mother-in-laws.
The same thing happens in late winter every year.Get two days in a row with highs in the 50s, and out come the
shorts and flip-flops, and sometimes even that retarded white sun block
people like to smear on their noses to show everyone they’re outdoorsy.
God, how I hate the season-jumpers.
--And since we’re on the
subject… I was at the
library yesterday “writing” my “book,” and two women pissed me
off.
I don’t go to Panera anymore because it’s too damn loud.The jazz music they play is at full concert volume, and for some
reason there’s always a bunch of kids in there, suffering from DDD.
So I switched to the library, and it’s much better.Oh, they don’t offer bottomless Dr. Peppers, but they do have
the wiffy, and usually peace and quiet as well.
Usually, I say.Yesterday
two women in their 30s, I’d guess, were hanging out in the fiction
section and catching-up via loud whispering.
I’m sure you’re familiar with this phenomenon.It’s when people believe they’re whispering, but are actually
as loud, or louder, than regular talking.It’s normal conversation, just real breathy.
And once I latched onto it, I couldn’t let go.I sat there listening to all that psss!
psssss!! pss!…, and grew more and more agitated.It almost ruined the entire outing.
--Similarly, we were at the
post office a few days ago, ordering our passports, and the clerk who
helped us is one of those guys who laughs through his nose.Know what I mean?No
sound ever comes out of his mouth during laughter, he just breathes in
and out real fast through his nose holes.
I don’t much care for it, but it’s not as bad as loud whispering.In the grand scheme of things, nose laughter is pretty far down
the list of irritations.
--But he wouldn’t let us
use our existing photos.He
said they were too big, and gave us a couple of options.Either we leave, have the pics re-done, and return later.Or he could take new pictures right there, for three times the
price Sam’s charged us.
We’d already waited in line for upwards of an hour, so he had us over
a barrel.We had him take
new photos (which were far less hideous than the earlier versions, by
the way), and Toney went back to Sam’s and demanded her money back.
Supposedly we won’t see our passports until after the first of the
year, which is what, five months?And
those people want to be in charge of our health care…
--Have you seen the Viagra
commercial where five or six guys are sitting around playing musical
instruments, smiling and winking at each other, and singing a catchy
tune about their favorite erection-making pill?
Vivaaaa Viagra!!
Is it just me, or do you think those dudes are about to bring new
meaning to the phrase “jam session?”I’m serious, I think they’re eager to lay down a strong
backbeat for each other.Or am I
reading too much into it?
--I’m so excited!The mail was just delivered, and I’ve been summoned to jury
duty.It’s my first time,
and I can’t wait to offer my "analysis" to the
judicial system. They need somebody like me!
--And I’ll leave you now
with a Question of the Day, based loosely on the subject that began this
update:summer vacations.
What, in your opinion, are the most disappointing tourist attractions?I remember being mighty disappointed with Disney World when I was
a kid, and haven’t been back.What
are the ones that didn’t live up to your expectations?
Use the comments link below, won’t you?
And I’ll be back as soon as I can.The next few days will probably be a bit challenging,
but I’ll try to squeeze something out on the sly.You know, like in the dog food aisle of the grocery store...
