Holy
crap in a Bundt pan...
Due to the
recent well-publicized shortage of
amateur websites produced by assholes who consider themselves to be
clever, I
have been called into action. My name is Jeff Kay, and I’m an
Ugly American living
on the cusp of a mid-life crisis, near Scranton, PA. And I’m here to
serve, baby.
The
State of My Fat Ass A journal of
sorts, updated every once in a while.
--
Yeah, I went with the Camry. Of the cars I drove last week I liked it
the best, by far, and it only had twelve thousand skinny miles on the
odometer. It's Toyota Certified with a bumper-to-bumper warranty through
2010, and coming off that Blazer, man, I especially liked the sound of
that. They put four new tires on it the day I picked it up, did a
complete oil change and alignment, detailed it and filled the tank....
and it's basically a new car. The previous owners even bought it there,
and had it serviced there as well.
It just felt like the logical course of action for a man of my
approximate age, weight, and disposition.
So I called the guy on Friday, even before I left for work, and we
started the process that sometimes gets me into trouble. I'm not one of
those people who view car-buying as sport, or war, or whatever. I don't
believe there's any such thing as getting the upper hand in a
car-buying deal, so why kill yourself over it? But, at the same time,
I'm not especially fond of prison rape, and always go into it on defense
and with my back to the wall.
But it wasn't too bad. The guy didn't play any of those retarded,
insulting games, and we made it through without any sarcastic remarks or
open-face hostility or threats of burning a motherfucker's house down. I
just made him an offer, he countered in the middle somewhere, and I
shrugged and said, "sounds good to me." I probably could've
shaved a couple hundred dollars more off the price if I'd pressed the
issue, but who gives a crap? I certainly don't.
I haven't driven a car in years, I've been in pick-up trucks and SUVs
since we left Atlanta in 1996. So, it feels a little weird to me. I
don't really view myself as a car kind of guy, as stupid as that sounds,
but I'm sure I'll get used to it. One thing's for certain: that car is
one comfortable and luxurious ride. And, most importantly, it has the
sound system factory upgrade. Oh yeah.
So that's that. I'll snap a picture of it sometime and show it to you
guys. I'd do it now, but I drove in the rain yesterday and it's no
longer perfect. It'll have to be spruced up before making its
world debut.
Pass the beer nuts.
-- I watched Sunday's episode of Deadwood
on Monday this week, since I was rocking out with five thousand Skippy
Hicks lookalikes (male and female) when the show originally aired, and
here are the
numbers.
Only one more episode left, my friends, and they're 109 fucks
away from 3000. Do you think they'll do it? Four times this year they've
racked-up more than 100 fucks in an episode, so it's certainly within
reach. Oh, it's gonna be exciting! Can't wait!
-- We have sad confirmation on the big trash and shit-eating dog
that lived (notice the past tense?) down the street from us. His owners
had to have him put to sleep, because of the tumor on his spine or brain
or whatever. The poor thing was walking all crooked and had supposedly
"turned aggressive."
Too bad. He was one of the good guys,
your quintessential big, dumb dog. A person would have to have a coal
black heart not to like him, and he consequently got away with all
manner of shenanigans.
We still haven't broken the news to Andy. We keep
telling him that his friend is on a cruise.
-- In this Phil Hendrieless world we find ourselves in, and with Clive
Bull on vacation all week, a man goes in search of alternative avenues
of workday escape. And I think I've stumbled across a good
one.
Check it out. Yesterday afternoon I listened to part of a 1949 World Series game
between the Brooklyn Dodgers and New York Yankees at this
site, and my
nipples were erect with delight. The announcers didn't even call him
Yogi yet, he was known as Larry Berra! And I'm getting goose bumps just
thinking about it.
What did we do before the internet?
-- And finally, I need your help with something. This is a guy buying
beer in China. As you can see, he ran down to the corner store and
picked himself up a cold three-sack. I imagine that he's about to jump on his
bicycle and pedal back to his 200 square foot apartment, hang his beer
bags on doorknobs around the flat, and it's party time!
But I could be wrong about the whole thing. What do you think will happen with this man, following his
purchase? What kind of evening will he have? I need closure, people.
Help me out.
--
Yeah, I went with the Camry. Of the cars I drove last week I liked it
the best, by far, and it only had twelve thousand skinny miles on the
odometer. It's Toyota Certified with a bumper-to-bumper warranty through
2010, and coming off that Blazer, man, I especially liked the sound of
that. They put four new tires on it the day I picked it up, did a
complete oil change and alignment, detailed it and filled the tank....
and it's basically a new car. The previous owners even bought it there,
and had it serviced there as well.