Holy
crap in a Bundt pan...
Due to the
recent well-publicized shortage of
amateur websites produced by assholes who consider themselves to be
clever, I
have been called into action. My name is Jeff Kay, and I’m an
Ugly American living
on the cusp of a mid-life crisis, near Scranton, PA. And I’m here to
serve, baby.
The
State of My Fat Ass A journal of
sorts, updated every once in a while.
--
Toney and I visited four or five car dealerships yesterday afternoon,
and I drove three cars. Then we hemmed and hawed, kicked at the ground,
and talked ourselves into a stupor. ....And I wasn't able to make a
final decision.
I drove a really sharp Mazda 6, the best-looking vehicle of the bunch.
When I saw it sitting there all glittering and sporty, my inner-midlife
crisis man started hollering: "YES! YES! THAT'S THE ONE!!" But
when I climbed inside I had to fold myself up like a lawn chair, and it
felt like I was preparing for a gynecological exam or something.
Fuck dat. I'm not driving around all contorted and mashed-in for the
next six or seven years. The Mazda 6 is nice to look at, but not built
for the Hungry Man. Perhaps they're still using Japanese-sized test
dummies at Mazda? I don't know. But it's off the list.
Next was a Nissan Altima. And I can't put my finger on anything
specific, but I just didn't like it. You know that magical feeling you
get when you're about to buy a new car? I didn't feel it. The dealership
is in downtown Scranton, and we drove it around the city for a few
minutes, but there was no magic for me. It felt like any nondescript
rental car. I liked it much better from the outside looking in, than
from the inside looking out.
Toney dug it though, and that complicated matters. She's usually a
pretty good judge of these kinds of things, and it made me wonder if I
was being too hasty. There was tons of room inside, and it certainly
would be comfortable on a long road trip. And they're distinctive
looking and all that good stuff....
But what about the magic? Can I really buy a car with no magic in it? It
would be almost like marrying a woman with no sense of humor, and who
drones on and on about global warming and Halliburton and stuff -- just
because she's well-connected and has a good set.
The third car I drove was a Camry. It's an '04 with just 12,000 miles on
it, a Certified Pre-Owned with tons of warranties and the whole nine
yards. However.... Camrys are a dime-a-dozen, and I'd just be blending
in with the crush of suburbanites. And I don't like that.
I went into the whole thing with a slight attitude. I know they're great
cars, and that's what should matter at the end of the day, but there are
other factors to consider as well.
But I'm telling ya.... I felt it. That
thing was smooth as silk, the interior looked like a Mercedes with wood
inlays in the dash and everything, and it seemed peppy and powerful.
Toney turned on the radio and a Talking Heads song was playing, and we
could hear nothing but the tune: almost no road noise. It was as if we
were gliding along on a flying carpet. It felt luxurious.
So I was going back and forth between the Nissan and the Toyota all
afternoon, not wanting to act on emotion alone, trying to weigh every
factor. All that interior room in the Nissan was screwing with my
head.... Toney finally got irritated with me, and said I should just go
with the Camry if I liked it so much; I'd be the one driving it, after
all. She was washing her hands of the situation.
And I think I'm going to take her advice. When I get to work today I'm
going to call the guy at Toyota and pull the trigger on this thing.
Which, of course, is where the fun begins. I have a very low pain
threshold when it comes to salesmen and their bullshit. If he starts in
with that stuff, I'll walk. I've done it dozens of times before, and it
ultimately comes down to attitude. If he doesn't act like a goddamn
carny with a shell game, I'll probably be driving a new car by tomorrow
morning. But if he goes in the other direction, I'll tell him to park it
deep inside his colon, and we'll start the process all over again
elsewhere.
Stay tuned.
And I know I promised to do better today, but I've got but one thing on
my mind right now. Sorry about that. I'll try it again on Monday.
--
Toney and I visited four or five car dealerships yesterday afternoon,
and I drove three cars. Then we hemmed and hawed, kicked at the ground,
and talked ourselves into a stupor. ....And I wasn't able to make a
final decision.