August 8, 2007

-- Because it’s been skeleton-melting hot outside, and we have two pre-teen boys, I’ve been getting more than the recommended daily allowance of Nickelodeon lately. Oh, that’s nothing new, of course, it just seems to be even more pronounced since the weather turned hot and moist, like we’re living way up inside a humongous butt crack.

Here are a few completely random/scattered observations and opinions:

I hate the new Spongebob voice (high and squeaky), and the same goes for Patrick (more of a cadence-change than an actual voice-change, but still suckin’). I can’t even watch the show anymore, and it used to be my favorite.

Even discounting the voices, which isn’t easy to do, I don’t think the new shows are even in the neighborhood of funny. Today there’s lots of singing, and yelling, and noise… Sometimes I have to check to see if we’re watching the Cartoon Network. 

And they’ve largely abandoned the simple story lines, for big epic tales often set in the Middle Ages, for some reason. Wot up wit dat?

Yeah, they’ve ruined a good thing, which is as predictable as my mid-morning sit-down. But at least we got a few years out of them before hitting the Scrappy Doo era. Ya know? I have the first two seasons on DVD, and they’re still genius. Too bad they didn’t quit before they made the entire world cringe at the sound of their theme song.

I can’t stomach the Fairly Oddparents either. Sure, there might be one or two funny gags per episode, but the program is loud and obnoxious, and there’s just way too much hollering. I also don’t like shows about magic and special powers, and that kind of shit. But maybe that’s just me?

Those shape-shifting “godparents” (I’m a party hat!  I’m a slice of pie!) have the most irritating voices in all of cartoon-dom. And they also use Gilbert Gottfried a lot, as well as that monotone asshole Ben Stein. The whole thing makes my central nervous system cut in and out.

Jimmy Neutron falls into the magic powers category, and I’m not really a fan of that deal either. It’s not as noisy as some of the other shows, so it doesn’t send me scrambling from the room when it comes on, but it’s not very good. The dad’s kinda funny, but other than that…

As far as Nickelodeon cartoons go, I was always partial to the ones featuring regular kids in semi-regular situations. Hey Arnold! was always a favorite. Helga Pataki is one of the greatest characters of all time... And I liked Rocket Power as well. And Rugrats wasn’t too bad, along with All Growed Up, or whatever it was called. Hell, I didn’t even mind Ginger or The Wild Dingleberries.

When it comes to animated children’s shows, I much prefer real kids that are not equipped with the ability to time-travel and cast spells and all that crapola. And, of course, optimistic sponges that live inside pineapples on the ocean floor...

The best live action show is Drake & Josh, by a long-shot. In fact, I think it’s better than most “real” sitcoms on “real” networks. Some of the episodes are flat-out hilarious, and Josh Peck is one funny ex-fat boy. I think we watched a baker’s dozen episodes over the weekend, during a Drake & Josh marathon, and it was less painful than it sounds.

Ned’s Declassified is pretty good as well. I like Cookie, the janitor, and the assistant principal. And The Amanda Show is always worth a few dozen laughs. 

Zoey 101 isn’t too bad, except for Zoey. She sucks. Jamie Lynn Spears (Britney’s sister, correct?) has about as much comedic talent as a wheel of cheese. She’s horrible; she’s almost as funny as Joan Baez, or multiple sclerosis. If they’d dump Zoey from Zoey 101, it would probably be a decent show. 

I don’t have any opinions on Just Jordan or Unfabulous. I’ve watched both, but neither caused me to notice it. So, that’s probably not a good sign…

And don’t even get me started on the Ugly Brothers Band… Ho-ly shitcakes.

We’re pretty far removed from Nick Jr. these days, so I don’t have any real opinions on those programs. The other day Toney said Blue’s Clues is like Van Halen, and I said pardon? Then she went on to explain how there are Steve people, and Joe people, just like with David Lee Roth and Sammy Hagar. I don’t know nothing about no Joe. Who the fuck’s Joe?

When our boys were young there seemed to be a lot of gentle shows on Nick Jr. produced in Canada. These usually featured people-sized rabbits wearing pants and aprons and whatnot, walking through the woods and talking to bugs, etc. They were so quiet and soothing and nice, they’d make me want to rush out and rent The French Connection, just to get the taste back in my mouth.

But I have no idea what they show nowadays. So I’m not going to be able to add anything to that subject.

Also, our Nickelodeon experience started in 1997 or so. Anything before that is a total mystery to me. I rented The Adventures of Pete & Pete from Netflix, because people I trust suggested it, but I’d never even heard of the show before that. And for the record, it’s freakin’ excellent… 

So there you go. If you don’t have young kids, this update probably won’t mean a damn thing to you. But, as they say, there’s always tomorrow.

And I’ll see ya then.

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