July 30, 2007

-- Holy shitcakes, Batman! Wotta weekend. Not only did we have “visitors” (something I’ll talk about in a more intimate setting), but I was also experiencing scary-ass computer problems. To tell you the truth, I didn’t much care for any of it...

On Thursday somebody mentioned in the comments that I’d labeled a Smoking Fish picture as being taken near “Cape Code .” And when I went in to fix it, the file wouldn’t open. 

The hell?

The program itself started as normal, but when I clicked on the specific page where the picture resides, it just started clicking and clacking and making noises like a fatty reaching into the pork rind sack.

Grrr… I shut everything down and re-started my computer, but the same thing happened. It didn’t matter which page I attempted to access, the machine would immediately bog down and start all that rattling.

Did I have some sort of virus? Hell if I knew. I rebooted again, refreshed my Norton information, and performed a complete system scan. Nothing. Then I ran AdAware, and it didn’t turn up anything unusual either. Spybot: same result.

Screw it. I just shut it down for the day, hoping a good night’s sleep would fix the problem. And, of course, it didn’t. 

Friday morning I went straight to my sitebuilding program, before opening anything else, and tried to access the Surf Report homepage. And once again I got the snack sack rattle.

This time I just let it run, and eventually a message popped-up that said I’m low on “virtual memory.” Windows is working to increase your “virtual memory paging file,” it assured me, and certain applications might not work correctly during the process.

What the crap does that mean?! I have 512 megabytes of RAM in this machine. What’s virtual memory? I do not know.  But the whole thing was making my sphincter wink.

On Friday afternoon I called a guy who owns a local computer repair shop, and told him what was going on. He said to make sure I’m current on Windows Updates, that those things can often work wonders, so I spent many hours downloading all the crapola.

And it did nothing to fix my problem.

On Saturday morning I took the computer to his shop, and he poked around for upwards of two hours. He switched out the memory, thinking maybe it was damaged or not working properly, and nothing he did made any difference.

Sweet sainted mother of George “Meadowlark” Lemon! Would I ever be able to edit or update the website again?! I was starting to freak out a little.

He finally threw up his hands and told me there was no way we’d ever find the source of the problem, that the best course of action would be to replace the hard drive, and double the memory. He gave me a price for all that, which sounded fair. 

But when I asked about turnaround time he wouldn’t give me a straight answer. He clearly didn’t want to be pinned-down on that issue.

So I told him I’d think about it and left. I can’t have the site sitting idle for weeks on end while this guy putters around with little to no sense of urgency, like freakin’ Emmit on the Andy Griffith Show. Ya know?

And that’s where Surf Reporter Barbra, aka tangerine, aka CitizenX, entered the picture. She’d offered to help when I posted a note about my problem in the comments on Friday, so I sent her a desperate email.

She had me do several deep system scans while my computer was running in safe mode, and that didn’t do the trick. So she graciously gave up a sizable chunk of her Sunday evening to researching the issue, and talking to me on the phone, suggesting actions to take, etc.

And she did it! She solved the problem, and lifted a huge weight off my shoulders. At the same time she very likely prevented the sad spectacle of a grown man blubbering uncontrollably in front of his wife and children, and a houseful of guests.

So tangerine is the undisputed hero of the day. She’s the reason you’re able to read this update today, and for the site not being dormant for a couple of weeks, and for me not having to fork-out a wheelbarrow of unnecessary cash.

Here’s her website. Go there and click her links and buy things, and whatever else she commands. tangerine is a Lifetime Friend of TheWVSR.

-- Tomorrow I’ll get back to The Funny, or at least try. I’m still all cranked up about the computer problem, and needed to purge today...

Before I go, I want to update you guys on the shirt situation. I had a conversation with the T-Shirt Lady while driving to Knoebels last week, and she said the reorder wouldn’t be ready for another ten days to two weeks.

Without being completely hostile I voiced my, um, displeasure, and the conversation turned a bit tense. She promised to try to do better, but it would probably fall within the timeframe given.

Dammit! I was shouting wild profanity inside my head, but didn’t want to burn bridges with her. The T-Shirt Lady does excellent work, and why ruin a good thing? So I just accepted her bad news, and hung up.

And two days later she called and said my order was ready. She’d revised her production schedule to accommodate us, and I am most appreciative.

So we’re back in business; all sizes are in stock once again. And this afternoon I’m going to turn on Game 4 of the 1975 World Series , crank up the air conditioner, and fill every remaining order. 

I’m really sorry this has dragged-out so long, but there’s light at the end of the tunnel.

Also, if you were planning to buy a shirt and haven’t, now’s the time. Because of deep-dish all-consuming guilt you’ll be assured quick delivery. I mean, quick. Buy one or seven today!

Here’s Surf Reporter Greg modeling his, while out boating in a storm this weekend. Pretty damn fashionable, no? Oh, you need one, too.

-- And that’s gonna do it for today, boys and girls. This afternoon I have to send an important email about my “book,” drop some money into tangerine’s tip jar, eat a cuppa two tree Nathan’s hotdogs, fire up the Smoking Fish distribution center, have dinner, then break out the Yuenglings in celebration of a passel of crazy people returning to Canada.

See ya tomorrow.

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