Holy
crap in a Bundt pan...
Due to the
recent well-publicized shortage of
amateur websites produced by assholes who consider themselves to be
clever, I
have been called into action. My name is Jeff Kay, and I’m an
Ugly American living
on the cusp of a mid-life crisis, near Scranton, PA. And I’m here to
serve, baby.
The
State of My Fat Ass A journal of
sorts, updated every once in a while.
--
I feel like I've been beaten with a sack o' taters this morning. I think
it's time that I subscribe to some sort of exercise regimen, I really
do. If you remember, an hour of bike-riding recently left me walking
around like a lower-case r for a week, and now a day at an amusement
park has kicked my ass, up left then sideways. I feel like my entire
muscular system is buzzing. I'm almost certain that coffee is the only
reason there's any bunker-animation whatsoever at this point.
But anyway, we had a really good time at Knoebels
yesterday. It wasn't overly crowded, the sun was shining, and a splendid
time is guaranteed for all....
The place has been there for seventy-five years, and I think some of the
original rides are still in use. I might be wrong about that, but it's
what it feels like. There's a real retro vibe to Knoebels -- in the best
sense of the word. A lot (but not all) of the attractions are vintage,
yet well-maintained and clean. And the food is shockingly good.
The Secrets each rode fifteen or twenty rides I'd guess, but I only
managed four: the haunted house (cheesy fun), the bumper cars (straight out of
the 1940's and kick-ass), The Twister roller coaster (pretty damn
intense), and the legendaryPhoenixcoaster
(awesome!).
The Phoenix is a godlike structure to coaster geeks worldwide. I
remember seeing a local news report a couple of years ago about a group
of British guys who traveled to America specifically to ride the thing.
At the end of the report they were shown on their knees bowing to the
Phoenix, like something off Wayne's World. Apparently they
weren't disappointed.
A big retarded woman was on the bumper cars with us, and they kept
having to shut the thing down in mid-ride to help her out of
"situations." At one point she was packed in a corner, with
the out-of-use broken cars, just flooring it straight into the wall. She
also kept going the wrong way, and I think the employees were afraid
that someone might knock her clean through the chain link fence and out
into the fairway. Near the end she was just whipping round and round in
a tight circle, at a high rate of speed, yelling "Wheeee!"
I probably shouldn't have laughed so hard, and for quite so long.
The Twister was a little scary. I used to be all about the roller
coasters, but now I look at the things and envision catastrophe. I rode
with the oldest Secret and my sphincter was clipped-off tight for at
least an hour afterwards. I just knew that bitch was going to
jump the tracks and go hurtling into the treetops. Holy crapballs. Too
many maniac turns, at too high an elevation....
And first thing this morning I saw this linked at Drudge, which helps
nothing. But, of course, the guy undoubtedly had an undiagnosed heart
condition. Right? Right.
For lunch I had a really good Southern-style pork barbecue sandwich. Not
exactly your standard carny food, y'know? They also have excellent
homemade french fries, and cheese fries and whatnot, which generate
lines of people that rival the roller coasters. Later in the day I
bought some sort of bizarre sweet tea slushie type of drink. A new one
on me, but really good.
When we were having lunch, inside a big picnic pavilion, there were
signs everywhere advertising the return of their "famous"
all-you-can-eat spaghetti supper. Can you imagine?! Maybe I'm the
strange one, but the last thing I'd want to do before boarding a thrill
ride is to load up on pasta and marinara sauce. Shit, you'd probably
have to carry an umbrella to keep the red vomit off of you.
So it was a good time, as usual. I've been to my share of big corporate
amusement parks, and Knoebels holds its own against any of them. Plus, I
don't think we spent even seventy-five bucks, food included --
for a family of four. And how cool is that? Sure, the clientele skews
slightly in this direction, but not to the point of distraction. The
whole thing is just highly recommended. In fact, we're going back in
less than two weeks.
Here are some pics I took yesterday, and the big honkin' photo essay
from last year.
Thanks for the (mostly) great ideas yesterday, for attractions at the
big proposed Surf Report amusement park. Keep 'em coming!
--
I feel like I've been beaten with a sack o' taters this morning. I think
it's time that I subscribe to some sort of exercise regimen, I really
do. If you remember, an hour of bike-riding recently left me walking
around like a lower-case r for a week, and now a day at an amusement
park has kicked my ass, up left then sideways. I feel like my entire
muscular system is buzzing. I'm almost certain that coffee is the only
reason there's any bunker-animation whatsoever at this point.