Holy
crap in a Bundt pan...
Due to the
recent well-publicized shortage of
amateur websites produced by assholes who consider themselves to be
clever, I
have been called into action. My name is Jeff Kay, and I’m an
Ugly American living
on the cusp of a mid-life crisis, near Scranton, PA. And I’m here to
serve, baby.
The
State of My Fat Ass A journal of
sorts, updated every once in a while.
--
This will have to be a quickie. Last night at dinner, almost literally
at the last moment, we decided to go to Knoebels
today. It's a great old time-warp of an amusement park down in the
middle of the state, and the kids love it. In fact, I love it too; it's
more fun than Disney, in my opinion. We're going today, and probably
again in a couple of weeks. And I'll have more on that upcoming fiasco
as the time gets nearer. Sweet sainted mother of John Parr....
A couple of months ago, when we were plotting our summer over coffee,
Toney and I came up with a list of vacation days I'd need to take. I
turned them in with the best of intentions and, of course, everything
came off the rails. I've found that it's a fool's exercise to try to
make plans farther out than, say, seven days. Go beyond a week, and you
may as well be blowing diarrhea in the wind. I really should've known
better.
I didn't though, and ended up with an approved day off tomorrow with no
plans for it. I thought I'd just hang around the house and do some
extracurricular writing. But the idea of Knoebels was floated at dinner
last night, and it met with everyone's approval. It was one of those Well,
why the hell not? moments.
So we're going. And Toney and the Secrets are breathing down my neck as
I type this, for me to get off this computer and drag my big ass into
the sunlight.
Like I say, this will have to be a quickie.
-- Yesterday Surf Reporter Aaron sent me a bunch of Smoking Fish pics
that made my brain crack open a little. I'll let him introduce them to
you the way he introduced them to me:
Jeff, I saw the smoking fish tasting dog meat in Vietnam last week in
Ho Chi Minh City (aka Saigon). See the little puppy dog tails in the
window? Ain't he a nasty fucker? Sorry the pictures aren't better. The
natives got pissed off that I was taking them and shoo'd me away in a
language I didn't quite understand. Aaron (in Australia)
When Aaron first started reading TheWVSR he lived in Dog Balls,
Pennsylvania. (I think that's correct.) Now his home base is Australia,
and apparently vacations in places like Vietnam(?!). Makes me feel like
one of those people who never venture more than ten miles from where
they were born....
Sir, I'd hoist an ice cold Foster's in
your honor, if it wasn't, you know, piss. I'm afraid a Yuengling will
have to do. Cheers!
Here are the pics he attached, minus a couple of redundant shots.
Cool.
-- Here's the best Deadwood t-shirt ever. I'd buy one if there
was anywhere on the planet I could wear it. Ya know? I could just see me
walking into a parent/teacher conference in one of those things.... Heh.
It falls into the same category as the shirts they were selling at a
Shane MacGowan concert I attended in Atlanta years ago. They said on the
back, in large letters, "I might've fucked your wife, but I never
fucked your daughter."
Hilarious, but wonder how many they sold?
Seriously. Even taking into account the across-the-board
bed-shitting drunkenness of the crowd there?
-- And that's gonna have to do it for today, my friends. The oldest
Secret is literally tapping his foot, like something off a 1950's
sitcom. I'll leave you now with a class project.
I'd like to know what
rides and attractions there would be at a Surf Report amusement park?
Like, say, The Emasculator, where a person must back a pop-up camper
into a tiny space in front of the entire world (including their wives
and girlfriends), for a chance to win a
stuffed animal.
Or The Ball Baby Bitch, where you're strapped to a
rolling sofa emblazoned with the word SUNSHINE in sparkly letters, and
sent rocketing over the 200-foot Jew Bastard Drop.
I'm sure you guys can do better than that, but you get the idea. I'm all out of time
here....
--
This will have to be a quickie. Last night at dinner, almost literally
at the last moment, we decided to go to 