July 17, 2007

-- Toney and I are both fairly obsessed with a show on HGTV called House Hunters. In fact, if the truth be told, I’m probably more obsessed with it than she is. 

I’m the one whose central nervous system is fine-tuned to know when it’s 7:30 pm , regardless of circumstances. Yes, I think I could be hanging off a rock cliff in Maui , struggling for my very survival, get all wide-eyed and shout, “Hey, we’re missing the show!”

The first time we saw it was at my parents’ house in West Virginia . That was several years ago, and the format wasn’t the same back then. In the old days it had more of a documentary feel; basically they just found some people shopping for a new house, and followed them around with a camera crew. 

Now it’s much better. Today the prospective buyers tour three houses, always three, then choose one at the end of every half-hour episode. 

The viewers get to tour the houses with them, of course, and make their own choices. So we end up hollering stuff like, “#1 is a trashy dump! Did you see that carpet?! I’d be afraid to take a shit on that rug!! House #2 is the only way to go...”  

Oh, it’s highly-involving television.

But the original style had its charms as well, and we got hooked on it before the enhancements were even made. In the early days, for instance, they’d make the homebuyers do a bit of acting. And that’s always good fun.

Near the end of every episode there’d be a hilarious obviously-staged scene in which the buyers were supposedly waiting on a call from their realtor (or as one guy called it “realitator”), with word on whether or not their offer had been accepted. Usually they’d be in the kitchen cutting fruit during this segment, or in the living room arm-in-arm and flipping through a photo album. 

(Even today there’s an inordinate amount of fruit-cutting and photo albums on the program, and I don’t know why.)

Then the phone would ring, and the couple would say, “Hey, that is the telephone ringing. I sure hope it is Judy with word on whether or not our offer has been accepted. I think I will answer it now! If I can just get past this large camera dolly and row of light stands…”

The current version of the show doesn’t have any bad acting in it, but there are still plenty of predictable elements. I’ve never tried it, but I bet you could make a dandy drinking game out it. Indeed, a person would be hammered right off his ass if he were required to take a shot of booze every time somebody said “bright and airy, or “Hey, double sinks!” on House Hunters.

Also, in almost every episode the couple is shown a massive walk-in closet, and the woman remarks, “Well, that’ll be enough room for my clothes, but I don’t know where he’s going to put his.” Yuk, yuk, yuk.

And everybody talks about entertaining. “This open floor plan will be perfect for entertaining,” they always say. Just once I’d like to hear someone admit, “We have no friends, we have no family, and we eat almost every dinner in front of Wheel of Fortune.”

Often the men make a point of going on and on about needing a room where they can watch “the game.” Sometimes they call it a men’s den, which is a phrase I’d never heard before (and makes my skin crawl). But these guys always think they’re being exceedingly cute when they talk about their much-needed TV space. Wotta grand gang of douches.

And I suspect the directors make the couples look at each other while talking. I don’t think people do this in real life, but on House Hunters the man will say something during an interview segment, and the woman will ratchet her head all the way to the side and watch his lips move. And vice versa.

There’s comfort in the predictability of it all...     

Yes, it’s a great show, and highly addictive. Every night around 7:20 I say, “Hey, it’s almost time for Pah! Poo poo pah!! POW POW POW!! I do this because the theme “song” is somebody going “PAH!” over a light jazzy beat (for reasons unknown). And Toney always says, “Please stop. That’s incredibly annoying.”

The only downsides to the program? Occasionally they’ll get a person on there who wants to perform for the camera, and turns into Mr. (or Mrs.) Wacky. I always want to strangle those idiots. And some of the money talk is quite distressing as well. For instance, they might introduce a couple this way:

“Larry is an assistant fast food manager, and Brenda works as a cashier at a home improvement warehouse. They’re looking for a home in the $750,000 range…”

What the?!

But for the most part we can’t get enough. In fact, I wish we could invite Suzanne Whang over to the house for entertaining. We feel like we know her already.

And now you’re up to date on this important matter.

I'll see ya tomorrow.



home>>

Surf Report
T-Shirts!

The Best of TheWVSR.com
Hey, everything's relative

Further Evidence
The end is near

TheWVSRcam
A live camera inside the Surf Report bunker

Smoking Fish Sightings
Our logo gets around

The Mountain
The evidence is starting to pile up

Ads vs. Reality
Shiny, neon-orange, liquefied pump-cheese, and all

Wal-Mart Game
Physical defects and the mentally damaged could mean big prizes for you!

Black Box Stew
Who would you like to see go down in that next big air disaster?

Rules of Thumb
Things that are true

Archives
Old issues of the terrible old paper zine

Dispatches From The Bunker
Join the mailing list!