July 13, 2007

-- Because our dog Andy is the world’s worst when it comes to walks, we went out and bought him something called the Gentle Leader “head collar.”  This was supposed to stop him from constantly pulling and tugging and lunging, and all that nonsense.

It’s an amazing thing to behold. Attach a leash to his collar and that hound instantly starts acting like it’s up to him, as if the task is his alone, to save a gang of dimpled, apple-cheeked orphans trapped in a catastrophic mudslide. Man, he gets down to work. 

Several times he’s nearly yanked my shoulder from its housing while we were out “walking,” and I often fantasize about throwing his stupid ass off the Turnpike bridge. It’s all highly irritating.

We’d been looking at those hilarious so-called head collars for a long time, but they’re pretty expensive. We’d been told by several people they work miracles though, and Toney finally broke down and bought one. I think it cost in the neighborhood of $25.

A few nights ago we took it out of the package, glanced at the directions, and called our dog over. Toney slipped it over his head, with that strap going across his snout, and that’s when everything went downhill.

Andy lost his mind. He started making strange noises and springing four feet into the air, straight up. He ran around the room in a wild frenzy, stopping only to paw at his face like a meth freak. Within seconds that collar was lying in a heap by the front door.

Huh. Maybe we didn’t have it tight enough? We tried it again, and it looked like Andy was bouncing on an invisible trampoline. I think he even turned a flip at one point. He was half-barking and half-whining, and I was afraid he’d completely lose his shit and go crashing through the picture window.

So we just took it back to the store and got a refund. Screw it. Who needs the aggravation?

-- I was at my afternoon office a few days ago and a woman sitting near me was having a very loud cell phone conversation. She was traveling, you see, and talking to someone at a hotel four hours away. She’d be arriving in the early evening, she announced, and wanted to know if they had any rooms available.

Then she proceeded to shout her credit card information across the restaurant, complete with expiration date and that little three-digit safety code on the back. 

I couldn’t believe it. I glanced around to see if anyone was writing anything down, and there was a guy by the window that looked like an aging rock musician, scribbling frantically. 

I have a feeling the woman will soon be confused by a mystery charge for a 1963 Gibson Les Paul guitar on her credit card bill. 

But I could explain it all to her, if she wants.

-- I was going to use this as a Further Evidence link, but it's probably NSFW. After you sneak a peek at it, though, you'll understand why I had to find a place to wedge it in. Sweet sainted mother of all that's holy!

-- Toney and I just finished watching the first season of LOST again. We’d seen it as it originally aired, of course, and loved it. But I had my doubts about the DVDs. 

How good could it be for a person who knows what’s going to happen? Would there be any suspense at all? I doubted it. Toney wanted to re-watch them, but I hemmed and hawed and made excuses designed for delay.

Turns out she was right, and I was wrong. The shit is still good. Man, what a great show. I’m ready to jump into Season Two now. Somebody better hol' me back!

-- And speaking of Toney, she and the Secrets are flying to Reno on Sunday, for a weeklong visit with Sunshine. I'm not going because I'm, um, between jobs. Yeah, that's the reason...  

In any case, I'm going to be on my own for an entire week. I plan to devote twelve to fourteen hours per day to the website and the book proposal, seven to sleep, two to eating, and the balance to crying softly in a darkened room.  

Wish me luck.

-- Follow-up on the case of “real Canadian” Molson I bought last weekend: it’s not very good.

-- And here’s another Smoking Fish sighting, this time in Chicago. Thanks Blitz! I appreciate it.

-- Now I have quiz for you folks. I have this picture in a frame inside the Surf Report Bunker. It was taken while Toney and I were on our honeymoon in 1993. 

We were enjoying an adult beverage late one afternoon, and my camera was lying on the table between us. At some point I tilted the lens up a bit, and snapped the shutter. It turned out to be one of my favorite shots. 

My question: do you know the bar? It’s one of the most famous in the world, and Jack Kerouac used to drink there. Any ideas?

-- And this is most excellent, my friends. Jason Headley, longtime friend of TheWVSR, native of the motherland, and mad skillz published novelist has a great new article at the website of Oxford American magazine. Do yourself a favor and check it out. Even if you’re not from West Virginia, I know you’ll enjoy it.

Great work Jason, as usual!

-- I have plenty more, but I’m all out of juice here. I’ll leave you now with the Question of the Day... 

When Toney was a senior in high school she took an afternoon job at a Spiegel call center, and one day processed an order for drapes from Frank Capra. No, seriously. 

And when I worked at a convenience store in West Virginia Muhammad Ali pulled up in a Winnebago one evening, bought gas, and returned to the interstate. I know you think I’m bullshitting you, but I am not…

My question: did you ever encounter anyone famous at a menial high school type of job? I’m not really talking about adult-style “real” jobs, but more along the lines of fast food, convenience stores, and that sort of thing.

Use the comments link below to tell us about it, won’t you?

And I’ll see you guys on Monday.



home>>

Surf Report
T-Shirts!

The Best of TheWVSR.com
Hey, everything's relative

Further Evidence
The end is near

TheWVSRcam
A live camera inside the Surf Report bunker

Smoking Fish Sightings
Our logo gets around

The Mountain
The evidence is starting to pile up

Ads vs. Reality
Shiny, neon-orange, liquefied pump-cheese, and all

Wal-Mart Game
Physical defects and the mentally damaged could mean big prizes for you!

Black Box Stew
Who would you like to see go down in that next big air disaster?

Rules of Thumb
Things that are true

Archives
Old issues of the terrible old paper zine

Dispatches From The Bunker
Join the mailing list!