Holy
crap in a Bundt pan...
Due to the
recent well-publicized shortage of
amateur websites produced by assholes who consider themselves to be
clever, I
have been called into action. My name is Jeff Kay, and I’m an
Ugly American living
on the cusp of a mid-life crisis, near Scranton, PA. And I’m here to
serve, baby.
The
State of My Fat Ass A journal of
sorts, updated every once in a while.
--
Would you ever go up in the Space Shuttle? I wouldn't. I watched the
latest launch on Tuesday, saw the astronauts walk past the press just
a-waving and a-smiling with their helmets tucked under their arms, and
had a sinking feeling that their "parts" would soon be raining
down on Florida and southern Georgia. I had visions of two old guys
fishing on a lake in a rowboat, and a human bladder, on fire,
screaming from the sky and splashing in the water near them. And I
experienced a full-body shiver.
I know it's not fair, but I associate those Reagan-era space ships with
catastrophic explosion, not the dozens of successful missions they've
accomplished. It's like when I get on an airplane, and start humming
Buddy Holly tunes without even realizing it. It's sick.
Plus, every time they launch one of those shuttles, shit flies off in
every direction. And the "experts" say it's designed that way,
that it's well within the accepted shit-flying-off guidelines. Nothing
to worry about, they claim, the engineers fully expected the windows to
fall out of their housing during launch.
No thank you. I've seen two of those things explode in the sky so far,
and dozens of missions scrapped because of some malfunction in the
powerful 286 computers on-board. I think I'll just stay down here, with
the Wendy's and the beer gardens, if that's OK. And when that Virgin
Records nutcase starts taking people into orbit for profit, I'll sit
that out as well. You guys can just send me a postcard from the moon,
thank you very much.
I will, however, hoist an adult beverage in honor of the men and women
who have the balls to take part in the various NASA missions. Man, those
things must be the size of mangoes.
-- On a related subject, what's the deal with people dying at Disney
World all the time? It seems that every couple of months we hear about
another kid climbing on a ride down there, smiling and clapping his hands in anticipation, and returning to the loading area as a corpse
strapped to a chair.
Then, after the lawyers get finished
"consulting" with the family, we learn that the kid had a
heart with only one chamber or some such thing. It's always a
pre-existing health problem that contributed to the tragedy, not any
flaws in the ride, or because of anything that Disney did. Oh no.
Do you think that maybe, just possibly, they're taking things a bit too
far with the thrill rides? You know, when they start killing
people?
I remember climbing aboard something called The Bat at King's
Island,
when I was but an ugly teenager. It was a roller coaster, but you sat in
ski lift-type seats, with your legs dangling below you. The chairs were
attached at the top, like a monorail, and it was scary as shit coming
off those big drops. It felt like you were about to be driven into the
earth like a tent spike.
And that's when I decided that I might want to start picking and
choosing my coasters. I no longer felt comfortable in completely
trusting, say, the Paramount Corporation, with my safety.
Indeed, The Bat only lasted at King's Island for a short time. They ran
it for a while, then hastily dismantled it in the dark of night, with no
explanation. Something happened, and they didn't want to talk about it
...At least that's the way I remember it. I have a feeling, based on
nothing but a hunch, that there are dozens of bodies buried throughout
that park, their skeleton hands still clutching a cotton candy.
Am I getting carried away again? Yeah, I didn't think so. Have you ever
had any horrifying experiences with so-called thrill rides?
-- Yesterday I forgot to mention that Sunday's episode of Deadwood
set a new world record: 137 fucks in 51 minutes! It surpassed the
previous champion, the "Mr. Wu" episode, which logged 133
fucks in 54 minutes. Those boys just keep raising the bar....
-- And finally, since Clive Bull has apparently abandoned the concept of
rotating topics, and has turned his show into a World Cup forum, I'm
going to try to come up with one of my own....
Have you ever had anything
unusual happen involving a person who knocked, unsolicited, on your
front door? It could be a salesman, a religious fanatic, a politician,
or a person looking for help.
In California we once had an Arab window salesman at our house for what
seemed like hours. We literally couldn't get him to leave, and I started
to wonder if I would be forced to call the police. Another time,
in Greensboro, a stranger who said he was part of the "neighborhood
watch" came into my apartment and did an inventory of my electronic
equipment. I did call the police that time.
What about you? Use the comments link below to tell us about it. And
pray for Clive to return to his normal format soon....
--
Would you ever go up in the Space Shuttle? I wouldn't. I watched the
latest launch on Tuesday, saw the astronauts walk past the press just
a-waving and a-smiling with their helmets tucked under their arms, and
had a sinking feeling that their "parts" would soon be raining
down on Florida and southern Georgia. I had visions of two old guys
fishing on a lake in a rowboat, and a human bladder, on fire,
screaming from the sky and splashing in the water near them. And I
experienced a full-body shiver.