Holy
crap in a Bundt pan...
Due to the
recent well-publicized shortage of
amateur websites produced by assholes who consider themselves to be
clever, I
have been called into action. My name is Jeff Kay, and I’m an
Ugly American living
on the cusp of a mid-life crisis, near Scranton, PA. And I’m here to
serve, baby.
The
State of My Fat Ass A journal of
sorts, updated every once in a while.
--
As best as I can tell, it's been raining for forty days and thirty-nine
nights here, and counting. Lots of roads are closed or gone, and
thousands of people near Wilkes-Barre are under a mandatory evacuation
order, because the levees are about to shit the bed.
Several people didn't heed the warnings of authorities (they knew
better), tried to drive through high water, and... Well, let's just say
there probably won't be quite so many demanding old men yelling
at deli workers this week.
The holy land of Pottsville, home of Yuengling, is under assault -- a
real concern. And I think Poppa Half-Shirt is building an ark.
He's over there right now hammering frantically. Later today I expect to
see him load in several great stacks of Coors Light in the can, a rake,
his lawnmower, some gasoline, and four or five large rolls of sod. If
there's room, he might take his family too. But wherever he lands,
dammit, he's going to have a yard to care for, and some bad beer to suck
back as he surveys the fruits of his labor.
He's a man on a mission, the very survival of his culture hanging in the
balance. Time is of the essence, and he must quickly complete the
vehicle with which he will single-handedly salvage the entire suburban
way of life!
Or, I guess he could just be fixing a bookshelf. What do I know about
it, really?
-- Speaking of Yuengling, I did a search for it at YouTube, and found this.
I mean, I like the stuff, but let's not get carried away.... Plus, if
he's able to do to that bottle what I think he was doing, I'm pretty
sure I know why his girlfriend dumped him.
-- One of your fellow Surf Reporters, Greg, suggested a movie to me a
few days ago, after I raved about Dawn of the Dead here. He swore
it was as good a zombie flick, or better, so I was compelled to check it
out.
Have you ever heard of Dead Alive?
I hadn't, but it was directed by Peter Jackson, the guy behind all those
Lord of the Rings dwarves-with-swords movies. I was highly
skeptical, but it turns out the tip was right-on. The thing is
hilarious, and filled with so much gore it's almost impossible to take
it all in. The term over the top doesn't come close to doing it
justice. Holy crapballs!
I don't want to give anything away (ha!), but the last thirty or forty
minutes of the film is just non-stop bloodletting. Yet I was roaring
with laughter. It was like some sort of masterful ballet of fucked-upness.
The lawnmower segment alone is worth the price of admission....
Oh, you've gotta rent this thing. Today. If I had any integrity, I'd
throw it on the line right now, and guarantee your satisfaction.
Thanks Greg! I appreciate the heads-up. And the dancing spinal
cord wearing a hat.
-- And finally, I'm gonna end this quarter-ass effort with two things
that are pissing me off.
First, all the coverage that the firing of Star Jones is receiving. WTF??
This is big news? It was the main headline at Drudge for at least 24
hours, and splashed all over CNN, MSNBC, and Fox News... I just don't
understand. I barely even know who this person is. I thought she was a
big sassy black woman who did sleazy reporting from celebrity trials?
Now she's skinny, and more important than world leaders?! What's it
going to be tomorrow, a special edition of the New York Times
because Jim J. Bullock is having hip replacement surgery? What in the
tan and sandy hell is going on here??
Second is a Ford commercial that features some twitching spazz from American
Idol. Skippy Hicks? I don't know, but the guy looks like a palsy
patient flailing about on a round stage, and singing some
"song" that doesn't have even a hint of a melody. The
dude is far too exercised and into it, and I feel like I see him twenty
times per day doing his Elaine Bennis dance. And I don't even watch
much television.... George is getting irritated!
What two things are pissing you off?
And that's gonna do it for today, my friends. I need to get to work and
finish out Thursday, and half of Friday, then it'll be four and a half
days off in a row for yours truly. Ahhh... I can almost feel my butt
cheeks sinking into the couch cushions already. May God continue to
bless the United States of America.
--
As best as I can tell, it's been raining for forty days and thirty-nine
nights here, and counting. Lots of roads are closed or gone, and
thousands of people near Wilkes-Barre are under a mandatory evacuation
order, because the levees are about to shit the bed.