Holy
crap in a Bundt pan...
Due to the
recent well-publicized shortage of
amateur websites produced by assholes who consider themselves to be
clever, I
have been called into action. My name is Jeff Kay, and I’m an
Ugly American living
on the cusp of a mid-life crisis, near Scranton, PA. And I’m here to
serve, baby.
The
State of My Fat Ass A journal of
sorts, updated every once in a while.
--
I was flipping through my Big Book of Comedy Ideas last night, trying to
decide on a subject for today's update, and felt a twinge of panic. I
got nothing here, almost literally nothing.... I don't even understand
most of the remaining "ideas." One just says carpet.
The crap?
But way back near the front of the book I came across a scribbled
two-word notation that saved the day. It said school assemblies,
and I think I can do something with that. I decided on it early enough
for there to be a full gestation period, and I believe I'm ready to go.
So let's get to it, shall we?
-- During my twelve-year public school career I sat through lots of
far-from-memorable assemblies. Many were so-called pep rallies for
upcoming basketball or football games, where the cheerleaders would
cheer and the band would band together, or whatever. Zzzzzzz.
A few were supposed to be "whimsical" performances by some
school-sanctioned club or other, and almost inevitably featured boys
dressed as girls, with outsize balloon breasts and much sashaying, etc.
High comedy. It seemed mildly homoerotic then, and still does today....
But a few were actually memorable, and I've jotted down the five or six
that jump immediately to mind....
-- I remember a freaky old man coming to our school to talk to us about
the health benefits of eating herbs and roots and whatnot. He called
himself Catfish or Sea Bass or something, and supposedly lived in a
hole. Seriously... that's what he said, a hole.
The dude ate nothing but berries and lawn clippings and such, and
fancied himself an expert on all things natural. He even appeared on Letterman,
back during the NBC days. He told Dave that unless your urine is crystal
clear, "you're dying." And Dave looked at the camera, made a
face, and tugged at his collar in mock concern. Do any of you remember
this man? He scared the living shit out of me.
-- During high school the entire
student body was assembled together in the "little theater"
for reasons unknown, and suddenly there was a rock band onstage. The
hell?? They played "Sweet Home Alabama" and a few other songs,
and were pretty darn good. But why were they there? None of it made any
sense. This was school, after all, and there's no fun allowed in school;
it's well-known.
After they played several classic rock tunes, and had
everyone whipped into a frenzy, the lead singer invited us to a full
concert that night at 7:30. Still confused, we filed out and went
back to class.
And that night a bunch of us returned to the little theater to see the
show -- and it was all Jesus talk, beginning to end. They were traveling
rock n roll evangelists or some such thing, and whetted our appetites
with Skynyrd and Foghat, before dropping the bomb. Wotta rip-off.
Can you imagine such a thing in 2006? They'd probably be thrown
into prison.
-- One time a couple of government officials (of unknown origin) came to
our high school to talk to us about the evils of vandalism. They were
wearing black suits, carried brief cases, and seemed rather severe. And
while they were inside the gym talking to us, somebody vandalized
their car. Is that not excellent?
-- Also during high school we were subjected to a young new gym teacher
that was obsessed with wrestling. He showed us all the moves, and made
us wrestle in class, and the whole nine yards. He'd pair us up,
supposedly by weight, and I always had to wrestle a really tall black
guy named Ziggy. And I use the term "wrestle" loosely, because
I'd basically just lie down on the mat and let him pin me. I mean,
seriously... Jeff Kay doesn't rassle.
But this new gym teacher also tried to get us all fired up about the
wrestling team, and made arrangements for one of their meets to take
place during school hours. It was some sort of much-anticipated grudge
match with another local school, Poca High. He probably thought that the
student body would really get into it, and he'd single-handedly turn
wrestling into a spectator sport in West Virginia.
The big event of the day was the face-off between the two big beefy
mofos, the heavyweights or whatever they're called. Our guy, Ed K., was
really big and good. But their guy was a monster. He was a massive
immovable object, a towering wall of flab, known as The Poca Dot. He'd
never been beaten, but he'd also never come up against anyone as good as
Ed K. There was electricity in the air. Or something along those lines.
To make a long story short, Ed took down that curtain of beef and pinned
his ass within a minute's time. And when the ref raised our guy's arm in
the air, dozens and dozens of wieners came flying out of the stands and
landed near the gasping Dot. The wrestling-promoting gym coach started
running around waving his arms, trying to make it stop. But the hotdogs
kept raining down.
The best part: the guys who orchestrated this display of school spirit
had gone above and beyond the call of duty. They'd carved heads
in the hotdogs, so that they'd look more like penises. Some had even
been run through the home ec microwave, to make them plump-up. Good
stuff.
-- And believe it or not, I'm all out of time here, with four more to
go. So I started with nothing, and ended with too much.... Go figure.
I'm going to hand over the reigns to lakrfool
now, and drag my sorry ass to work.
If you have any school assembly memories to share, use the comments link
below.
--
I was flipping through my Big Book of Comedy Ideas last night, trying to
decide on a subject for today's update, and felt a twinge of panic. I
got nothing here, almost literally nothing.... I don't even understand
most of the remaining "ideas." One just says carpet.
The crap?