Holy
crap in a Bundt pan...
Due to the
recent well-publicized shortage of
amateur websites produced by assholes who consider themselves to be
clever, I
have been called into action. My name is Jeff Kay, and I’m an
Ugly American living
on the cusp of a mid-life crisis, near Scranton, PA. And I’m here to
serve, baby.
The
State of My Fat Ass A journal of
sorts, updated every once in a while.
--
I'm listening to Green
Mind by Dinosaur Jr. this morning. It's a perfect way to start
the day. And, man, there's no other album that takes me back to my
Atlanta record weasel years like Green Mind. Oh, it has the
power. As I type this I feel like ol' "Hi-Fi Set" is seated to
my right, and Scott the Porn King is up in the corner bitching about something.
Always with the bitching... I'm expecting the operations manager to bust
in here any minute, deep-throating a Baby Ruth bar and acting all
exasperated. I just know it's going to happen.
A few days ago I mentioned how certain smells can transport me to
another place and time. Well, same goes for certain CDs. My entire stay
at Peaches Records in Greensboro is wrapped up in the first
BoDeans album, for instance. Whenever I slap that thing on, I can
almost literally smell the incense that we sold there.
Just thought you'd want to know.
-- On Sunday Toney and I went to five or six open houses around town. We
hadn't done that in a while, and it's a lot of fun. I find that there's
voyeuristic value in rooting around some stranger's house, acting as if
we're interested in buying it. Of course, by now all the realtors
recognize us, and know our game.... But still, it's a good way to spend
a lazy Sunday afternoon.
We checked out a townhouse that was listed at $262,000. I like the idea
of a townhouse, theoretically, since I wouldn't have to mow the grass or
any of that crapola. But at the end of the day, I think they'd start to
feel like glorified apartments. This one was priced so high though, I
wondered if it would prove my theory wrong.
It didn't. It was really nice, but also very small. I felt in my bones
that it was over-priced by about $100K, and was located in a community
that is apparently populated exclusively by senior citizens. I saw one
old dude on his driveway beating the living shit out of a rubberized
torso punching bag, delivering body-blow after body-blow. His
headband appeared to be the elastic waistband chopped off an old pair of
Fruit of the Loom underwear. I wondered if it was one of Phil Hendrie's
regular callers, Lloyd
Bonafide?
I think we'll pass, for several reasons.
We also visited a massive house near
the high school, that is being offered at $529,000. It has 3800 square
feet of living space and an attic that's air conditioned and ready to be
finished -- which would add an additional 1700 square feet(!). Plus full
basement, and a garage so big you could play Wiffle Ball inside.
We walked around the yard and I was stopped in my tracks when we came
upon the big twin central air units, just a-humming with the effort of
making wonderful, beautiful cold air. I tried not to be too obvious
about it, but I had to wipe away a tear.
And the ball-busting part of it all? The list price on this mansion is
almost EXACTLY the asking price of our
old house in California, which was smaller than the unfinished attic
in the Pennsylvania house. If we'd only hung on for a few more years....
One of the things we also like to do at these open houses, is act like
the couples on House Hunters. We say things like, "Oh look,
double sinks!!" and "Wow, the dining room is right off the
kitchen!" and "This room is so bright and airy!!" Toney
always snickers in the master bedroom, and says with a mock-mischievous
tone, "Well, this closet is big enough for my stuff, but I don't
know what you're going to do with yours." Yuk yuk yuk.
Hey, what can I say? It's one of our hobbies.
-- Here's
a map of LOST connections that makes my brain hurt. Toney's been
poring over this thing like a jeweler with a sack of diamonds, but I
just don't have the attention-span required.
-- And here's
an excellent Paul Westerberg interview from the latest issue of Newsweek.
See you in the fall?? Did he really say that? Sweet sainted mother of
Johnny Paul Jason!!
-- This
is the design illustration of a proposed Barney Fife statue to be
erected in Mount Airy, NC. If, of course, they can raise $35,000....
Whatever. Once this baby goes up, we're going to need a Smoking
Fish pic, right away. It's not even open for debate.
-- And finally, today is 6/6/06, the devil's Thanksgiving, or whatever.
I can almost smell the brimstone.... Or is that PopTarts? I'm just not
sure.
But what about the parade? Surely they're having a parade in hell today?
And if so, what dead celebrities are on-hand? Who will be waving and smiling
from atop the flaming float of eternal torment? Who will be the grand
marshall? I have a few ideas, of course, but will leave the speculation
to you.
So what do you say? Who do you think is in attendance at the big 6/6/06
parade on the main drag of hell this morning?
--
I'm listening to 