Holy
crap in a Bundt pan...
Due to the
recent well-publicized shortage of
amateur websites produced by assholes who consider themselves to be
clever, I
have been called into action. My name is Jeff Kay, and I’m an
Ugly American living
on the cusp of a mid-life crisis, near Scranton, PA. And I’m here to
serve, baby.
The
State of My Fat Ass A journal of
sorts, updated every once in a while.
Ohhhh
yeah, that was Blue Oyster Cult with "Don't Fear the Reaper."
Sounding so fine, mighty fine, here on the Skippy and Jeff
morning show at WSHT. Jeff, before we broke you were about to tell us
about some of your great adventures in toenail trimming? Is that
correct? Well, you wanna do that now? We've got, let's see, four whole minutes to
kill. Hahahahahahahaha!!
Yeah, thanks Skippy. Glad to help out with your problem -- any time.
Hahahahahahaha!! The first time I can remember cutting my own toenails,
I was probably six. And let me tell you, it didn't go very well. It was
in West Virginia, at our old house, and....
Just kidding. But not too far-fetched, huh? Screw it, I'm just phoning
it in at this point. By August I predict that this site will be nothing
but links to wacky news stories about replacement
penises being harvested on forearms and whatnot, and maybe a few of
those ghetto
prom pictures for good measure. But, of course, not until the Surf
Report watermark is in place... Heh.
Here are a few quick and easy-to-write odds and ends to round out the
week. Then I'm going to go off by myself and wallow in self-pity between
eleven and noon, have a light lunch, then spend the afternoon raging in
anger.
-- Do you ever feel like you have a sixth sense or ESPN, or whatever? I
do. Just yesterday morning I was here in the bunker, and it flashed in
my brain that it was about time for The Beautiful South to have another
album. So I went to their website,
for the first time in many months, and learned that they just released an
album in England this week. Pretty spooky, huh?
What made me think of them, right out of the blue like that? Just a
coincidence? Perhaps. Or maybe it's something else, something psychic?
Maybe I've been gifted with the ability to sense developments in the
careers of great rock bands that nobody's ever heard of?
Wait! I'm feeling a vibration right now. And it has something to do
with... the Reivers. I'm not
getting it all, but it's definitely about the Reivers. I'll keep you
posted.
-- To learn that The Beautiful South
has a new album is always bittersweet news for your humble
correspondent. It's great, of course, because, to paraphrase Ice-T, I'm
totally and completely on their dick. But it also creates great anguish,
since the only way to get said album is to pay thirty bucks, or so, for
an import copy. And I just can't do it.
Thirty dollars for a CD?! Why, I'd surely have a stroke, and end up in
yankee bean territory.
When their last album was released, I ended up buying an import from
Singapore, if you can believe it. For some reason it was reasonably
priced, and looks to be the exact same version they sell in the UK. I
try not to think about it too much....
I shouldn't have to go through all this. Why can't some American record
company just release their CDs? Lord knows they crank out skids and
skids of bullshit every year. How about throwing a motherfucker a bone
every once in a while? Shit.
And by the way... if you ever get a chance to see those guys in concert,
do not make the mistake of staying at home. Holy crapballs, are they
fun.
Toney and I took Nancy to see them in Atlanta once, and she knew nothing
about them; she'd never even heard of them. But by the end of the show I
thought she was going to rip her shirt off. She was dancing and waving
her arms in the air... It was a beautiful thing to behold. For ninety
minutes or so she forgot about all the suffering and prejudice in the
world, and was actually smiling.
And if The Beautiful South can extract the Paint Stirrer of
Righteousness from Nancy's ass, just think what they can do for you.
-- Speaking of concerts, Steve is driving up here tomorrow and we're
going to hand over lots and lots of our money to Donald Fagen and Walter
Becker, for Steely Dan tickets. Just in time too. I think those guys are
each down to their last billion. A real shame.
It'll be a fun time, though. I'm excited about it. Maybe I'll rip off my
shirt?
-- And now that David Lee Roth has been jettisoned
from the radio airwaves, like shit from a goose, how about another Van
Halen reunion tour? This time with DLR? Last summer they did it with
Hagar, why not Dave this year? Hell, they'd make tractor trailer-loads
of cash.
Of course, I think Eddie is still toying with the idea of becoming the
lead singer himself. A bad idea, I think. Here's
Phil Hendrie interviewing him about that, early last summer.
-- I keep hearing an electronic bing bing in here, and can't
figure out where it's coming from. It's not my cell phone; it sounds
like it might be coming from my printer. Is that possible? It's making
me crazy. I might just be paranoid, but I'm convinced that it's a
malfunctioning listening device of some kind. I just checked to see if
my Beavis and Butthead dolls are wearing a wire.
-- And believe it or not, I've got more of this crapola, but I'm gonna
call it a day. I'll leave you now with part of an email I received
earlier this week. I thought you might enjoy it, you know, since I
did....
Jeff,
Regarding the
link on today's update about the man nairing his ass... Let me
tell you that while it does remove hair, it also provides several
negative effects. Unfortunately, I know this because my Italian
ancestors cursed me what may be the hairiest ass ever (I may be wrong,
but I never lost a 'hairiest ass contest' during college), and I tried
this experiment a few years ago (with Epil-Stop, not Nair).
The negative effects:
1.) The hair in the crack acts as air
conditioning, by keeping cheek to cheek contact to a minimum. Once you
take that hair away, it is a "thumbs up" bonanza. That is to
say, that your ass will sweat like you just ate 4,000 jalapenos while
flying from Japan to the US and not having access to a bathroom, and the
sweat smell will not be pleasant.
2.) The hair offers a certain level of
"lubricity." Without it, toilet paper scrapes by, and falls
apart. This leaves shit and paper in your crack. Swamp ass is soon to
follow.
3.) Like the article said, the growing
back period is not pleasant.
I could go into further detail, but I
don't think that I need to. Just know that messing with the veritable
force of hairy-assedness is not a good idea.
Ohhhh
yeah, that was Blue Oyster Cult with "Don't Fear the Reaper."
Sounding so fine, mighty fine, here on the Skippy and Jeff
morning show at WSHT. Jeff, before we broke you were about to tell us
about some of your great adventures in toenail trimming? Is that
correct? Well, you wanna do that now? We've got, let's see, four whole minutes to
kill. Hahahahahahahaha!!