Holy
crap in a Bundt pan...
Due to the
recent well-publicized shortage of
amateur websites produced by assholes who consider themselves to be
clever, I
have been called into action. My name is Jeff Kay, and I’m an
Ugly American living
on the cusp of a mid-life crisis, near Scranton, PA. And I’m here to
serve, baby.
The
State of My Fat Ass A journal of
sorts, updated every once in a while.
--I’m completely off my game.Wonder
why?Gee, I don’t know.Perhaps it has something to do with the gang of people sitting in
the next room all the time, locked on perma-bitch and continuously
goosing the volume on the TV?
You know, I’m not the type to point fingers or anything…
As usual there’s a fully-engorged list of Things To Do this week, and
I can’t get no satisfaction.It’s
making me crazy.I have a
schedule I try to follow which allows me to devote time to the site, the
job hunt, and the extracurricular “book” project.
This has worked reasonably well in the past, but I might as well just
wipe my ass with it until our “guests” are gone; my
carefully-constructed plan is barely fit for the removal of rectal
residue at this point.Metaphorically
speaking, of course.
--Yesterday was
interesting.I had a second
interview for a job similar to what I’ve been doing for the past
seventeen or so years, but in a completely different industry.The first go ‘round went well, I guess, and they scheduled a
second interview the following day.
I was supposed to be there at
8:30
in the morning, so I walked in around 8:20.Immediately I was
introduced to a guy with whom I was supposed to “sit” for a while.He seemed nice enough, and he’s in the same position as I will
be, if hired; they're adding personnel, I wouldn't be replacing anyone.
A while turned out to be three
hours.The dude went about
his normal duties, and explained it all to me as he worked.I was bombarded with information and seemingly nit-picky details
about the gig, and it was a lot to take in.But I learned on my first visit that this place is big on tests,
so I tried hard to absorb everything he was telling me.I just had a feeling….
And my feeling turned out to be right on-target.After we were finished “sitting” I was herded into an office,
and handed a pen and a twenty-question test.They closed the door, and left me alone, and told me to come out
when I was finished.
What the??
I looked at the paper and there were questions like, “What does an
orange folder mean?” and similar office-specific minutiae.My sphincter promptly flickered.
But, it’s a funny thing….I’m
almost certain I answered every question correctly.Somehow I was able to pull up all the information requested, and
don’t believe I missed any of ‘em.My Rain Man abilities kicked-in and saved the day; I laugh
in the face of the scar tissue!
After the test, I was led to the room where the original interview took
place, and questioned for another half-hour or so.Then they said they’d be making a decision next week, and I’d
be notified either way.Have
a nice day.
So, it’s out of my hands now.I
think I did as well as I could possibly do, but have a feeling I won’t
be offered the job. Not sure
why, but it’s my gut instinct.
Of course, last time I had such a premonition, it turned out to be
exactly wrong.
We’ll just have to see how it goes.
--Ever been through
anything like this?What’s
your read on it?I’ve been
out of the loop for almost two decades, so I have almost no experience
with the modern methods of interviewing.Can any of you analyze this for me?I need your help here, folks.
Also, is it wrong for me to be muttering, for several hours per day,
“This eats ass, it eatsass by the yard.”Is
this an unusual reaction for a man in my position?
--Oh, and just so you know,
the CD I chose for my drive to the interview was Squeezing Out Sparks by Graham Parker.Its
familiarity would be comforting, I reasoned, and its ferocity would
shore-up my confidence, etc.
I believe it worked nicely.I
don’t want to be making any premature proclamations, or anything, but
I might’ve just found my official Interview Preparedness Disc (IPD).Pass the beer nuts.
--Here’s a Surf Report
World Exclusive.Nobody, and
I mean nobody, gets the
mailbox photographs we do!
--And this an interesting
article about an attempted robbery in the Motherland, by the notorious Skidmark
Bandit.
--Check it
out, they’re
ripping me off in Finland! Awesome.
--Here’s a collection of
predictions made in 1900, about what life would be like in America
in the year 2000.Did they
get any of them right?I
just don’t know.
--The youngest Secret went
with me last night to pick up a stack of pizzas from one of the thousand
or so local kick-ass pizzerias, and they gave us a free 2-liter of soda.We went with root beer, and the Secret was worried about its
safety.So he took precautions.
--And I had a lengthy
conversation with the T-Shirt lady yesterday.She’s suggesting olive-colored shirts, and light-tan ink. I’m not familiar with this color combination, but she swears
I’ll be happy with it.Any
opinions?
Also, these things are not going to be cheap.When I did the math I think I literally shrieked like a
schoolgirl.You guys are
gonna take ‘em off my hands, right?Sure, I could give them to a shelter and advertise on the
homeless, but that’s not the preferred outcome.
I’m not going to be stuck with boxes full of fabric and a Mrs. Kravitz
sick-headache, am I?I think I’m getting cold feet on this deal….
by Graham Parker.