Holy
crap in a Bundt pan...
Due to the
recent well-publicized shortage of
amateur websites produced by assholes who consider themselves to be
clever, I
have been called into action. My name is Jeff Kay, and I’m an
Ugly American living
on the cusp of a mid-life crisis, near Scranton, PA. And I’m here to
serve, baby.
The
State of My Fat Ass A journal of
sorts, updated every once in a while.
--
Some kind of horrible spore or something is in full flower up here right
now, and it's kicking my ass. My eyes are itchy, there's a continuous drip
drip drip of crystal clear snot coming out of my face, and my right
ear is sealed off so tight it only serves an aesthetic purpose at this
point. Also, and this is the worst part, I'm disoriented and feel like I
recently popped a double-dose of Contac Severe Cold & Lobar
Pneumonia medication. And I don't care for that.
So don't go expecting much from me today, OK? I don't want to whine like
Mr. Banana "Vaginal Dryness" Nostrils, but I'm barely upright
here. If it wasn't for the Everclear CD I'm blasting, I don't think
there would even be a Monday update. In case of emergency break glass,
and crank up "You Make Me Feel Like A Whore." It never fails,
but use sparingly.
-- On Saturday we went to Sam's, the exclusive club we're members of, to
buy yet another window air conditioner.
Since the folks in these parts view central air as a weakness, or some
such thing, we've been reduced to collecting bulky-ass humboxes. And
every summer I'm required to drag them up from the basement, install
them strategically around the house, then perform the ritual backwards
in the fall. I'm not a fan of any of it.
Last year we added an additional humbox to our collection, to cool the
family room and make evening television-viewing tolerable. But we made
the mistake of waiting until it was already soul-sappingly hot to buy
it, and had a hell of a time finding one; the air conditioner section of
every store in town looked like a scene from Omega Man. This year
we wanted another for the living room/dining room, and vowed to buy it
early.
And we did. It's still mighty pleasant here, but Sam's has their
traditional mountain of GE air conditioners on display already, and we
yanked one down and busted out the ATM card.
So we're all set, I guess. When the humidity cranks up and the
temperatures rise, we'll have our humboxes in place, each a-humming. Of
course it'll be so loud in here we won't be able to talk to each other,
but it's a small price to pay for comfort. Ya know? So what if I'll have
to text-message Toney to pass me the white gravy at dinnertime? It beats
the heck out of 'round-the-clock crack moistness.
-- When we were rolling our new purchase
to the car on Saturday, a big gust of wind kicked up and blew a handful
of those evil spores straight into my eyes. My contacts instantly turned
into tiny discs of fire, and I had tears streaming down my face for
thirty minutes.
I was planning to mow the lawn when we got home, but it
never happened. I'll be damned if I'm going out in that swirling hell.
Does anyone know where I can buy a used astronaut suit, preferably air
conditioned and in a men's husky? It's going to be a long summer....
-- Speaking of summer, on Friday they announced the lineup of the big
summer concert series at the newish fancy-pants amphitheater here:
Rob Thomas/Jewel
Def Leppard/Journey
Sammy Hagar with Michael Anthony
Dave Matthews Band
Phil Lesh and Friends
Lynyrd Skynyrd/3 Doors Down
Black Crowes/Drive-By Truckers
Poison/Cinderella
Ozzfest
Vans Warped Tour
John Fogerty/Willie Nelson
Counting Crows/Goo Goo Dolls
Toby Keith
Steely Dan with Michael McDonald
Allman Brothers
Rascal Flatts
Brooks and Dunn
I'd like to go to two of those, and one is pretty much a definite. Do you know me
well enough to guess the shows I'm interested in?
And what about you?
Would you spend your hard-earned bucks on any of those artists, and/or
"artists?"
-- On Sunday we all went to a Scranton/Wilkes-Barre Red Barons game, at
Lackawanna County Stadium. Again it was a good time. Every time I go to
a Red Barons games, I'm a little surprised at how much fun I have.
You can say a lot about the people around here, like how they're the
worst drivers in the world and that they talk funny and whatnot, but
they sure do support their minor league baseball team. And that's a sign
of good character if there ever was one. There's always a big crowd at
the park, enthusiastic and knowledgeable, and it makes me happy in my
soul.
Here are a few action pics I took during the game.
-- And that'll just about do it for today, my friends. I'm gonna hand
over the reigns to Buck now, and venture out into the vortex of spores.
--
Some kind of horrible spore or something is in full flower up here right
now, and it's kicking my ass. My eyes are itchy, there's a continuous drip
drip drip of crystal clear snot coming out of my face, and my right
ear is sealed off so tight it only serves an aesthetic purpose at this
point. Also, and this is the worst part, I'm disoriented and feel like I
recently popped a double-dose of Contac Severe Cold & Lobar
Pneumonia medication. And I don't care for that.