May 7, 2007

-- This is going to be a challenging week. Sunshine & Mumbles are in the next room as I type this, literally five feet from me, sacked out on a sleeper sofa. I’ve got a pair of headphones clamped to my head, with Unplugged by Nirvana coursing through them, to help drown out the disturbing sounds I keep hearing.

Out in the hall is some sort of compressor that’s humming and cutting in and out, with a long hose attached to it. The thing snakes down the hallway and across the family room floor, then goes straight into Sunshine. I simply don’t know…. I don’t believe she hooked herself up to machinery during previous visits. 

Last night I think I saw Mumbles pouring gasoline into the thing, and jerking a cord.

-- So far the visit hasn’t been too bad. They arrived on Saturday, instead of Friday, so I didn’t have to log too much uncomfortable-time with them while Toney was out-of-town. 

S&M offered to take me and the boys to lunch on Saturday afternoon, and the Secrets immediately began lobbying for the Chinese buffet. Man, they love that place; both kids can flat-out eat some orange chicken.

Our visitors didn’t seem to care for that idea too much, but reluctantly agreed. I think we went there once before with them and there was something on the buffet with tentacles, which Sunshine swore was still moving. Utter bullshit, of course, but over time those kinds of things become “truth.”

The boys each ate their own body-weight in chicken, I ordered off the menu like the contrarian that I am, and Sunshine & Mumbles picked and prodded stuff on their plates for 45 minutes, never actually eating much. Then they paid the bill.

After that, we went to a park where Sunshine said she wanted to walk off her “huge lunch.” We got about one-tenth of the way down the walking path, and Sunny started gasping for air. She sat down on a fallen tree and began having some sort of attack. Her lungs, I’ve been told, are the size of tea bags. Again, I don’t have all the information….

But the next thing I know, she’s down the embankment and attempting to cross the creek! The hell?! She was freaking-out and thrashing through the brush, trying to get back to the car and her oxygen tanks. All I could do was stand there and blink real fast, not believing what was happening before me.

Mumbles was standing on the path hollering at her with great alarm. And we watched in amazement as Sunshine broke off a huge limb from a tree (super-human strength!) and used it as a makeshift cane, before walking out into the swift-moving water.

She didn’t make it across. I was prepared for her to step on a slippery rock and slam face-first into the current, but she didn’t fall down either. After taking one step into the creek, and getting soaked all the way up to her ass, she simply lost her nerve and came back.

And you should’ve seen her climbing that hill, back up to the path… I thought we were going to have to race over to Home Depot and purchase a come-along.

Never a dull moment.

After Toney got home (finally!), I cooked up some kick-ass burgers on the grill, got into the Saranac sampler-pack, and a splendid time was had by all. It was a surprisingly painless day.

-- On Sunday Toney and Sunshine were out most of the day. I mowed the grass for the first time this year, then washed my car. Mumbles worked on his vehicle as well, freakin’ detailing that thing.

As I was doing my weed-whacking, a funny thing happened: Half-Shirt actually struck up a conversation with me. Yes, I couldn’t believe it either…. 

Apparently he’s making an attempt at putting our “differences” behind us. And that’s fine with me, but I never really had a problem with him. It’s his wife that makes all the sarcastic remarks and is always busting my balls about something or other. We’ll see how it goes.

After our chores were done, I asked if anyone was interested in driving over to Manning’s ice cream for one of their monster cones. Not too much arm-twisting was required, and I ordered up a flavor called Charlie Brownie, something I’d never had before. Fuckin’ yum.

When Toney and her mother returned, we had a full-on spaghetti feed. I made the salad, my standard contribution, and everything was extra-good. After dinner it was more Saranac, and an episode of Homicide for me and Toney. S&M retired to the family room to get caught-up on the new episodes of The Sopranos, and that was that.

Again, not too bad. So far I’ve been pleasantly surprised. But I’m gonna pay for it in the long run, aren’t I?

-- One small thing, though…. Toney told me that while she and Sunshine were out yesterday, Sunny told her I’m clearly depressed about my job situation. Possibly suicidal, she said.

When I heard this I just busted out laughing. Suicidal?! Nothing short of hilarious. That’s something that Sunshine and Nancy have been cooking-up via telephone, and they’ve decided I’m depressed. So I am. The facts and all evidence to the contrary are not important.

I’m not depressed; I don’t think anything’s changed with me, whatsoever. I’m not like Nostrils who wallows in emotions and has to use a water bottle on his vagina whenever they encounter the tiniest of bumps in the road. He’s the one who got caught driving in a rainstorm, shit his pants beneath an interstate bridge, and had to have Nancy bring him fresh underwear and ointment, not me.

But here’s what I’m going to do…. I’m going to replace the 100 watt light bulb in the bunker, with a 15 watt. Then I’m going to sit here in the gloom, staring straight ahead and saying nothing while playing the Nick Drake box set, over and over again.

Whenever I’m forced to leave this tiny room, I’ll be sure to sigh a lot and look out windows for extended periods. And maybe mutter “Why me? Dear God, why me?” a few times, as punctuation.

You’ve got to give the people what they want.

I’ll see you guys tomorrow. I don't really have a question for you, so why not tell us what you had for dinner last night? Did anyone else have a full-on spaghetti feed? I'm interested in knowing, for some reason.  

Have a great day, folks.

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Last updated
01/17/12 12:12 PM

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