Holy
crap in a Bundt pan...
Due to the
recent well-publicized shortage of
amateur websites produced by assholes who consider themselves to be
clever, I
have been called into action. My name is Jeff Kay, and I’m an
Ugly American living
on the cusp of a mid-life crisis, near Scranton, PA. And I’m here to
serve, baby.
The
State of My Fat Ass A journal of
sorts, updated every once in a while.
--When we were driving back from Gettysburg
on Sunday I looked down at my dashboard and was surprised to see a
warning light in the shape of a gasoline pump.I don’t use much fuel anymore (ahem), and it had been a long
time since that jaunty little pump paid me a visit.I was almost glad to see him.Almost.
We were on a stretch of I-81 where exits are few and far between, and
when there is one, it’s a
50/50 chance there will be a gas station there.Many are simply labeled, “no services.”So we drove for miles with the light seemingly getting brighter
and brighter, and saying, “Dude, this is serious!”
Finally we came upon an exit where there was supposed to be Mobil and
Hess stations located, so I got off the interstate.And we drove for a long time again, way out into some kind of
crazy cornfield.Our cell
phones read: Forget It.
Man, I hate it when promised gas stations and lard emporiums aren’t
right off the highway….I
always feel like I was duped, and my blood pressure starts cranking.Unless they’re two miles from the exit, or less, they
shouldn’t be allowed to advertise on the interstate signs.Am I wrong about that?
We eventually found the Hess station, and it was absolute pandemonium.There were cars lined up at every pump, two or three deep, and
people were driving all around like a demolition derby.I saw a woman coming out of the store carrying what appeared to
be a spiral-cut ham.WTF?!
I began howling in protest, but what choice did we have?There was no sign of the mythical Mobil station, and the lighted
pump on my dashboard was begging for relief.So I got in line behind an SUV roughly the size of my hometown.I think it was a Dodge Ridiculous, and we were third in line.
I was now growling like a dog.
When the SUV was finally able to pull forward, I felt a little better.
But the relief was short-lived.I
saw the door of the truck swing open, and a roly-poly Hispanic lady in a
baseball cap tumbled out.It
was Dora the Explorer!
And the woman had apparently never laid eyes on a gas pump before.She stood motionless in front of it, as if she were staring at
the control panel of a jumbo jet.Finally
she got up the nerve to push a button, and immediately recoiled,
apparently expecting an explosion.
The passenger door opened and a younger woman free-fell from the massive
vehicle, and came to the rescue of Dora.Only she didn’t seem to know much about it either.She took the credit card and attempted to slide it into the slot
where the receipt comes out.
I was just sitting there, unable to speak.
They finally got approval to proceed, and it took at least a full minute
for them to figure out how to pop open the little door over their gas
cap.Once they got that
open, Dora inserted the nozzle and began pumping
the handle, clearly believing it’s a manual process.
And it took forever.That thing must’ve had a 50 gallon tank on it, and it just went
on and on.After they were
full, both women got back into the late-model Ridiculous, and fired up
the engine.I was thankful
they hadn’t gone into the store to do a little shopping, like I’d
feared.
Then I saw the reverse lights come on, way up high and moving, and I
yelled, “Oh shit!!”
But Dora saw us in the mirror, and tragedy was averted.Hell, my Camry would’ve probably just wedged up underneath her
rear bumper and we would’ve been dragged to God-knows-where.
So, I got to spend $43 on gas, and it took at least thirty minutes for
the privilege.My nipples
are exploding with delight just thinking about it….
--Once we were back on
Interstate 81, Toney and I started talking about how we’d almost been
flattened by a vehicle the size of a Russian tank.And that quickly gave way to a discussion about car wrecks that
we’d witnessed through the years.
Surprisingly enough, I can only recall seeing two bad wrecks.And I’ve never actually been involved in any.
One time Toney and I were driving home from work in Atlanta, and a tractor trailer
changed lanes and clipped the rear bumper of a woman’s Ford Taurus.What happened next was amazing.
The Ford just instantly turned to the right, and rocketed off the interstate.It
cascaded down a slight embankment, and went sailing deep into a wooded
area, where it violently crashed into a tree.From what I could tell, the accelerator was mashed-down the
entire time.
Another time, in Atlantaagain, Toney and I were stopped at a red light.We were in a residential section of town, but on a
heavily-traveled road.Apparently
the light on the cross-street turned yellow, and a sports car of some
sort (Camaro?Trans Am?)
sped up and went careening
through the intersection.
And it too clipped the rear bumper of another car, and immediately went
airborne.It was the
damndest thing…The car
went flying through the air, cork-screwing before our eyes, and came to
rest on its roof.And once
it finally landed, the thing was spinning round and round, upside-down.
We hung around for that one, and had to give some kind of statement to
the police.The girl in the
car looked like she was about thirteen years old, and was crying
hysterically.She was
unhurt, but scared to death about what her parents might do to her.Go figure.
Toney was in a terrible wreck in Atlanta,
and could’ve easily been killed.The
car she was riding in was smashed between two 18-wheelers.They were all rushed to the hospital, including Toney’s
roommate who was dressed as a bee at the time.(It’s a long story…)
This was before I knew her, and I wasn’t there.But Toney said people from the truck line’s insurance company
converged on the hospital without delay, and tried to strong-arm
everyone into accepting checks for $1000, and signing release forms.
Thankfully I’ve never been through anything like that.But what about you?Have
you ever witnessed, or been involved in, a bad car crash?That’s the Question of the Day, my friends.Use the comments link below.
And I’ll see ya tomorrow.Probably
late tomorrow, since I have a job interview in the morning and will need
to get myself all wedged into some fancy-pants, and everything….
--
When we were driving back from 
