Holy
crap in a Bundt pan...
Due to the
recent well-publicized shortage of
amateur websites produced by assholes who consider themselves to be
clever, I
have been called into action. My name is Jeff Kay, and I’m an
Ugly American living
on the cusp of a mid-life crisis, near Scranton, PA. And I’m here to
serve, baby.
The
State of My Fat Ass A journal of
sorts, updated every once in a while.
--I went for a long walk yesterday afternoon.I needed to clear my head and get away from this babyshit-green
subterranean bunker for a while.The
walls are closing in on me, man.So
I put on some sneakers and a jacket, and went wandering like an escapee
from an Alzheimer’s camp.
I thought about taking Andy with me, since all dogs live for that sort
of thing.But he’s a huge
pain in the ass, both east and
west of the Great Divide, and I didn’t need it.So Andy stayed home.Poor
Andy.
For reasons unknown, I’m fairly stressed about my job situation right
now.I wasn’t stressed a
few days ago, but I am now.And
I don’t know why.
I read in a book, or maybe it was mentioned in Allentown,
that many people experience an emotional crisis around the two-month
anniversary of losing their job.In
fact, a significant percentage of folks temporarily give up their
employment search at that point; they decide it’s hopeless, and just
say screw it.Or so I’ve
heard.
Crisis is a bit melodramatic
in my case, but something is definitely happening – and it’s been
almost exactly two months.I
don’t know about you, but I don’t take kindly to self-help books
correctly
predicting my emotions.
I thought if I burned myself down to a smoldering nub it might relieve
some of the tension.So I
set out for the longest of walks.I
wanted to be exhausted when I returned, and maybe have a few blisters to
bitch about as well.
So I hoofed it all over town, must’ve walked miles.It was a
beautiful day: the sun was shining, the snow was melting, the birds were
talking amongst themselves…And
I answered interview questions the whole time.
It wasn’t something I’d planned, of course.I even tried to change the subject in my brain a few times.But it just wasn’t going to happen. For the entire two hours a
man (sometimes a woman) inside my head asked questions, and I answered
them in full interview mode – always mindful that I’m trying to sell
myself.
And when I got home I was exhausted alright.Oh, I was exhausted real good.I did a free-fall into a couch, and promptly fell asleep.
Yeah, the walk was a good idea, I guess.But
it’s been my experience that beer works better.
--I listened to George
Noory again last night.I
think I’m becoming mildly obsessed.His guest was an “expert” on secret government facilities,
like Area 51.
Apparently
there’s a massive underground complex right here in Pennsylvania, called Site R, where guards are
instructed to “shoot to kill” if any unauthorized person comes near
it.Here’s some info on
it.
Yes, it’s all very interesting.But
do you ever get the feeling every woman who calls into that show is
morbidly obese?It might
just be my imagination, but sometimes I think I can actually hear fat
pressing up against their voiceboxes.And the men, I believe, are all skinny, middle-aged, and balding,
each with a ham radio license and all manner of antennae bolted to their
roofs.
Or is that just me?
In any case, I’d like to make a standing offer.If anyone can capture an image of the Smoking Fish inside Area
51, I’ll send you a free t-shirt.Same goes for a pic of J.D. Salinger holding our logo, or a shot
of it on the moon, or imbedded in bin Laden’s beard.
What other Ultimate Fish Shots can you come up with?There’s gotta be a million of them.Help me out with that one, folks.
--And speaking of radio
shows, a few nights ago I was listening to an old Jean Shepherd program
from 1961.He was talking
about hipsters, and how they’re prone to rejecting and mocking the culture
of their own country, and embracing and elevating the cultures of other
countries.
He told a story about visiting a friend in Rome, and the guy was eager to take him
to the hippest place in town.He
kept going on and on about it, saying it was the coolest, most
cutting-edge joint in all of Italy.
So they went there, and it turned out to be a fake Brooklyn hamburger stand.There
were guys behind the counter wearing white t-shirts with the sleeves
rolled up, and trying to talk with a New Yorkaccent, and the whole nine yards.
The place was completely packed with Cool People.
And they were serving, he said, the worsthamburgers he’d ever tasted.
It's amazing how the douches of 1961 are
almost exactly like the douches of 2007...
Of course Shepherd’s description of all this is completely hilarious.If you ever get a chance to listen to him, you should do it.
I bought a collection of 700+ shows (spanning the late '50s to the
late '70s) in mp3 format off eBay, for around fifteen bucks.And I’m here to tell ya, it was money well-spent.
--I wandered into a Big
Lots store a few days ago.I
don’t like those places, and generally try to steer clear.But I needed batteries, and they always have ‘em cheap.
I do enjoy browsing the strange shit they sell there, I guess I should
admit that.Especially the
food.You’ll see something
at a distance which looks like
Pringle’s potato chips.But
when you get closer you find the color of the can is slightly off, and
it’s actually called Bringle’s.Or whatever.
I passed through the toy department the other day, and I’m almost
certain I saw a big canister of Nixon Logs.But, of course, I was in a hurry and could be mistaken.
I bought eight AA alkaline batteries there, for about three dollars.And some kind of freaky candy that tasted like meat.
I guess I don't dislike Big Lots, after all? What was I thinking??
--Check it out.They’re talking about us over at Metafilter.Smile and wave, everyone! And here's
a snippet of Surf Reporter Barbra, aka CitizenX, calling into the
national Computer America radio show last night, and spreading the good
word. Very cool.
And I think that’s enough for one day.I have more, but it’s feeding time.
...Hey, a man needs to eat.You
guys have yourselves a great weekend.
--