Holy
crap in a Bundt pan...
Due to the
recent well-publicized shortage of
amateur websites produced by assholes who consider themselves to be
clever, I
have been called into action. My name is Jeff Kay, and I’m an
Ugly American living
on the cusp of a mid-life crisis, near Scranton, PA. And I’m here to
serve, baby.
The
State of My Fat Ass A journal of
sorts, updated every once in a while.
--I have a job interview this afternoon, the first one in about
seventeen years, I think.Oh,
I had various “interviews” inside my old company through the years,
but those were usually with people I knew and had previously exchanged
filthy jokes with.Not
exactly high-stress.
In fact, in most cases those so-called interviews were nothing more than
obligatory affairs, required by HR to keep everything legal and
above-board.By the time I
got there, in most cases, decisions had already been made.
So, this is something I’m not accustomed to.I can’t really say I’m nervous, I don’t have a problem
sitting in a room and talking to someone, but a tad uneasy.I believe job interviews are fishing expeditions for an excuse to
disqualify a person.One
poorly-chosen word and you’re officially weeded-out, Jack.
So, I’m going to have to watch what I say, and run my responses
through a filter that doesn’t get much use.I’ll have to temper my natural tendency for smart-assed and/or
“witty” answers.And
hope to God I don’t shift in my chair and accidentally let one loose.
I’ll let you know how it goes.
--Close Encounters of the
Nancy Kind….The royal
family was in town briefly this weekend.So briefly, in fact, I never saw them.They were traveling to Canada,
and stopped for the night in our little town here.And since the trip was being financed by a college, they stayed
at a motel(!?).
Toney went out for a drink with Nancy
on Saturday night, but our kids were already in bed at the time, so I
stayed home.Eninen left
early the next morning, and that was that.I never saw any of them.
I did find out, however, what the translucents received as Easter gifts.Our kids got big overflowing baskets of candy, complete with
life-sized mammals constructed entirely of chocolate.
The offspring of Nancy & Nostrils?They received one jelly bean each, for every year they’ve been
alive.For example, the
eight year old got eight jelly beans, and the five year old got five.I’m not kidding.And
they probably came out of Nostrildamus’s pocket, with lint stuck to
them and everything.
Toney also heard one of them say to Nancy,
“Mama, can I have a Thomas the Train toy, since it has neither a penis
or a vagina?”
TF?
--Tell me if this would make you
mad…. Toney went to Wal-Mart over the weekend to buy some groceries.And when she finally got to the front of the checkout line the
teenage cashier was talking to another teenage cashier about the kinds
of cigarettes they each prefer.No
“good morning,” or anything of the sort.
The other cashier finally said, “Well, hurry up with this one and we’ll go on a smoking break!”And she motioned dismissively in Toney’s general direction.
After each item was scanned, Toney slid her ATM card through the little
machine, and it was rejected.What
the?There’s plenty of money in
that account; our tax refund is there, as well as the remnants of my
most recent paycheck.
Toney wondered aloud if the strip on the card was damaged, and the girl
said, in a real sarcastic tone, “Yeah, that’s
probably it.Are you going
to be one of those people who try every card in their purse, hoping one
will work?”
She told me about this on her cell phone, while driving home, and I just
couldn’t believe it.I started
out shocked, and that quickly gave way to anger.I asked Toney if she was going to call the manager, or if I
should do it.
Toney called, and the guy was apologetic and said he’d “deal with
it.”But can you believe that?It’s pissing me off all over again, just writing about it.
We later learned the credit union’s computer system was down
yesterday.They were having some
sort of issue, and couldn’t approve transactions.
Of course ol’ Flashy Trash would never believe a word of it.
--We somehow ended up at the ScrantonWelcomeCenter
on Saturday.I was up there
scouting out the location for my interview today (I’m glad I did it
too, because it’s freakin’ hard to find), and I ended up in the
parking lot of the WelcomeCenter
on a whim.
They have a gift shop there, and sell figurines made of coal and
expensive golf shirts with LackawannaCounty
on the breast.Do you own
anything with the name of your home county embroidered on it?Yeah, me either.Why would
I?And they also sell a yellow
coffee mug with the word “Scranton”
printed on the side in red.
Why does that make me laugh?
The guy there was really nice, and told me the Red Barons stuff is
marked way down, and is buy-one-get-one-free on top of the huge
price-cuts.
The Red Barons were the Philadelphia Phillies’ AAA farm team that
played here, but they’re no more.I
think the team is moving to Allentown,
once a new stadium is built, and is playing this summer in Canada
somewhere.
So… they have all this Red Barons stuff and the team isn’t even in
existence anymore.I bought two
New Era fitted caps, very high quality, for five bucks.Not five bucks each – five bucks total.I like the idea of wearing the logo of a defunct minor league
baseball team, for some reason.
As I was paying for my hats, I told the guy they should start selling
shirts and mugs and crap from The
Office.And he informed me
the show isn’t really filmed here, it’s filmed in California.“They only pretend to
be in Scranton,”
he said.
I thanked him and went on my way.
--I have a lot more, but I’d
better pace myself.If you
didn’t catch Friday’s LATE EDITION update,
you might want to check it out.We’ll
see how it goes, but there could be more multi-update days in the near
future.I’m trying some
different things here….
Oh, and I hate to even bring this up.But
if you’re on the monthly donation plan, now’s the
time. I appreciate everyone’s support, I really do. Now let's move
on...
My question of the day has to do with job interviews.It’s very simple, really:let’s
hear your interview horror stories.What
was the worst one you ever experienced?Are
there any legendary stories at your office about terrible interviewees?Has anyone ever actually farted during an interview
session?
I told you about the one I attended (for a gig at a place called Magnet
Bank) where they asked me just one question:“What would you do if I were to give you an elephant?”
