Holy
crap in a Bundt pan...
Due to the
recent well-publicized shortage of
amateur websites produced by assholes who consider themselves to be
clever, I
have been called into action. My name is Jeff Kay, and I’m an
Ugly American living
on the cusp of a mid-life crisis, near Scranton, PA. And I’m here to
serve, baby.
The
State of My Fat Ass A journal of
sorts, updated every once in a while.
--I just went upstairs to get myself another mug of delicious Eight
O’Clock Bean coffee, and it’s snowing.Freakin’ snowing!In
April, after baseball season has already started.And following the annual emergence of dipshits who want
desperately to believe it’s actually warm outside, and walk around
shivering in shorts as a nor’easter blows straight up their ass
cavity.
Man, once the first signs of spring start appearing, it’s mighty
disheartening to see snow again.Ya
know?Pass the non-dairy “whitener.”
--I think I’m going to start
telling you folks what music I’m listening to as I tap out these
updates.I know it’s a teenage
bloggy thing to do, but I don’t care; it’s a subject that interests
me, and it might give you an idea of the mood in the bunker each day.
--This morning Toney said,
“I’m probably going to have to make a Sam’s run tonight.We’re almost out of coffee, and dishwasher detergent, and trash
bags--”
And if this doesn’t give you some insight into the current state of
affairs here, I don’t know what will….I interrupted her and practically hollered, “I’ll go with
you!I’d love to go with
you!!”
Love to go with her, to buy
trash bags at Sam’s.And
hollering it!But you have to
understand… the highlight of yesterday was when I went out and mailed
a Veronica Mars DVD back to
Netflix.
You see, I know of a drive-up mailbox near here, with one of those big
hyper-extended slots on the front of it.It
practically reaches through your car window, and vacuums up your mail
for you.For some reason it makes
me feel good to use that thing.It’s
just so convenient and friendly and reliable.And it’s my little secrettoo, not many people know about that beautiful, dare
I say it? erotic mailbox.
I need a fucking job.
--I’m going to call the T-Shirt
Lady this afternoon, and see if she can get her hands on some army green
shirts that look like they’ve already been washed a hundred times.I’ll let you know what she says.
I’d also like to explore the possibility of Surf Report coffee mugs
soon.I have a great mug idea, but have a few reservations as
well….I can see those things
getting broken all willy-nilly in the mail, people opening the box and
finding something that looks like shards of ancient crockery unearthed
during an archeological dig, and the whole thing turning into a
“situation.” But I’ll check it out, at least half-heartedly.
--There’s a bunch of stuff in today’s ScrantonTimes about The
Office.From what I can tell,
they sent a couple of reporters out to Hollywood to hang around the set and
bug the living shit out of the actors.
I can’t read it though, at least not yet.Because Toney has this “thing” about newspapers.She has to be the first one to read it, you see, and everything
is ruined if it’s in disarray and misaligned, etc.So, out of courtesy to my wife, I leave the paper alone until
she’s had a chance to go through it.
Lord knows she has her share of “things” to deal with when it comes
to me.
Anyway, I want to see what they have to say about the many local
references they make on the show.How
they do the research, and so on.The
show is surprisingly genuine.
For instance, the snacks they have in the vending machine are always
regionally accurate (usually Herr’s).And
the inspection stickers on the windshields of cars are always from Pennsylvania.And the road salt all over the vehicles…And the restaurants they mention… And the way Michael sometimes
asks question with “or no” at the end:“Are you going to help me make this video, or no?”Stuff like that.
They must have people living here undercover, and sending back
information.And just how does a
person get a job like that, anyway?Hell,
I’d be perfect for the gig!It’s
what I do naturally, without even trying.I’m always sending back information.
So, B.J. Novak, Ricky Gervais, and Stephen Merchant…When this post shows up as a Google Alert in your email, please
give me a call.I’m rested and
ready to go, and already live here.Just
hand me my first assignment, and I’ll hit the ground, well... walking a
little faster than normal.
My email address is at the bottom of the homepage.I’ll await your letter.Thank
you in advance for taking the time to hire me at an exorbitant rate of
pay.I sincerely appreciate it.
--Check out this review of the
new WKRP In Cincinnati
DVDs.The dude says it’s an absolute butchery, like something out of
Helter Skelter.Or whatever.
--And my friend Tim sent me this
link this morning, featuring breaking news about our old pal Sean
Combs.
Sean "Diddy" Combs claims to be the crown Casanova
who can last 30 hours in the bedroom with his girlfriend Kim Porter.
“As soon as we landed, we
went straight to the Eiffel Tower, drank champagne at the top and just
kissed and kissed. Then we went up to my suite and had tantric sex for
at least 30 hours, ordering up whipped cream and strawberries while we
were at it," he told the London Mirror, regarding a romantic visit
to Paris with the mother of his new twin girls.
Combs added, “As
meticulous as I am with my work, I'm more meticulous with lovemaking. I
like to do it for a long time.”
And according to London Net,
the music mogul magnifies his manhood by shaving any pubic hair.
"I shave down there. I
do it myself — or I have my young lady help me, because I don't want
to get no nicks,” he told the site.
Tim also
included a few famous quotes at the bottom of his email:
"I
regret that I have but one life to give for my country." --- Nathan
Hale
"A
house divided against itself cannot stand." --- Abraham
Lincoln
"I
don't want to get no nicks." --- P.Diddy
--And I’ve got some other things, but lost the will to continue somewhere around the word "pubic" in that last
article.I’ll leave you now
with a rare treat:something new
from lakrfool.That’s right,
lakrfool.He’s been away for a
while, but now he’s back and you can read his big bunker-buster of a
return, right here.
, and am now blasting Luna.
