Holy
crap in a Bundt pan...
Due to the
recent well-publicized shortage of
amateur websites produced by assholes who consider themselves to be
clever, I
have been called into action. My name is Jeff Kay, and I’m an
Ugly American living
on the cusp of a mid-life crisis, near Scranton, PA. And I’m here to
serve, baby.
The
State of My Fat Ass A journal of
sorts, updated every once in a while.
--When I started this website, back in the early days of the
universe, the only people who visited it were my brother and a few guys
I went to high school with.I’d
spend a couple of hours writing my daily updates, and seven people would
read them.Or six, if Rocky’s
computer was on the blink.I felt
like that guy in the Lyres.
Before TheWVSR I published a paper zine.Since
I had no deadline, real or imagined, things moved s l o w l y, and I’d
publish, on the average, one new issue per year.So, I’d spend literally twelve months or so “writing” it,
have 500 copies printed, and mail out about half of ‘em.
Yeah, you can do the math on that one.A
full year’s worth of effort for 250 readers – at the most.I mean, just because I mailed people a copy didn’t mean they
actually looked at it, right?
So, I’d frequently get frustrated and quit.Then, like clockwork, I’d start acting all squirrelly and
pacing the apartment.I’d stand
around looking out the windows like a dog, run my hands through my hair
as if I were funky on the junk, and wanted to be out doing something all
the time. An old girlfriend and I had constant arguments about this;
I never wanted to be home.
I eventually realized that I need to have something creative happening
in my life, or I’ll very likely end up in the wacky shack, talking to
foil.
During one of those dark periods when I’d given up on the zine, I came
across something called an “online journal.”This was shortly after I’d bought my first computer, and the
internet still seemed like fantastic voodoo black magic.It was written by another zinester, named Krista
Garcia.
Krista published the always-excellent Scaredy
Cat Stalker.She grew up in Oregon, but had recently moved to New York City. Her journal (the word
“blog” hadn’t been invented yet, as far as I know, and it was a
better time) was nothing more than a daily, or semi-daily, recounting of
the things that had happened to her.And
it was highly entertaining.I
began reading every update, and thought it was just about the best thing
ever.
I
sent Krista a few gushing emails in the early days, but got the feeling
she was a mildly frightened by them.So I disappeared into the shadows and became a lurker.And I’m still there, grunting softly in the darkness.
Somewhere along the line I started thinking….Hell, I could probably do one of those journal things as well.It wouldn’t be as good as Krista’s, but it would be something
to keep me busy, and possibly out of a mental institution.
So I started TheWVSR.I
wanted it to be simply WVSR, but the West Virginia Split Rail Company
already had that domain name.The
bastards.In the early days
I only updated on Mondays and Thursdays, and I had the aforementioned
seven readers.Or six.
During that period I also won at least one prestigious award for
Shockingly Ugly Web Design.It
was something I’m proud to say I earned.
Then everything promptly went ass-over-tits.Through my vast network of liars and backstabbers I got my hands
on a scan of one of Mike Piazza’s paychecks.I posted it to the site, and it felt like a scud missile hit the
bunker.Fark linked to it,
and many others followed suit.Suddenly
I went from no traffic, to hundreds of thousands of unique visitors per
day. I received actual death
threats, and people were talking about my little site on the radio, and
everything.
It was great!Scary, but
great.I met some of the
best and most loyal Friends of the Surf Report during the Piazza era,
folks like NJGirl, Lucas, and MsDeniseWight.And man, I wanted to keep it going.I was intoxicated by it all.It had been a long time coming.
So I worked hard at building readership.I put in massive effort, and it often felt like I was bashing my
skull against the bricks.For
a while I was literally doubling my traffic every few months.But it was hard work, real hard.
Along the way I had a couple of other Piazza situations, most notably
the Deadwood Fuck Count, which was simply insane.In fact, I turned down a lot of interview opportunities during
that craziness, for reasons I still don’t want to reveal.(Maybe someday.)It
could’ve been even insaner.
Anyway… I’ve gotten lazy with the site.That’s the point of this whole longwinded update.I’ve been on autopilot for the past year or so, and haven’t
been putting forth as much effort as I once did.And I’m making a vow to rectify the problem.
Yep, I’m all fired up again; I’m a street-walking cheetah with a
heart full of Wendy's.Soon
this site will be more than
just reports of my latest visit to Sam’s Club, even more!
Not tomorrow, though.I’m
taking tomorrow off to attend a networking strategies seminar in Allentown.
Soon though, very soon.
Please stay tuned for the new era.You
know, as soon as I can get around to it….
