Holy
crap in a Bundt pan...
Due to the
recent well-publicized shortage of
amateur websites produced by assholes who consider themselves to be
clever, I
have been called into action. My name is Jeff Kay, and I’m an
Ugly American living
on the cusp of a mid-life crisis, near Scranton, PA. And I’m here to
serve, baby.
The
State of My Fat Ass A journal of
sorts, updated every once in a while.
--
I've been watching a show called Mythbusters with the oldest
Secret. ....You know, seeing as how I've got a little extra time on my
hands. I was aware of the program, knew the general idea behind it, but
had never actually seen it until recently. And it's pretty darn good.
In case you're like me and maintain only the most tenuous of connections
to the popular culture, the hosts of Mythbustersconduct experiments to discover whether or not certain
"myths" are true. For example: cell phones can cause
explosions at gas stations. Stuff like that.
The two main guys are supposedly special effects professionals, and
really get into it. They're always blowing shit up, and crashing cars,
and all manner of coolness. It's a perfect show for a son to watch with
his unemployed father.
Anyway, I saw one last week about farts. The myth had something to do
with a fat man who went on a "bean and cabbage" diet and
flatulated himself to death. The dude reportedly lived in a tiny
apartment, and eventually succumbed to the fumes.
Heh. As urban legends go, that's gotta be one of the weaker ones, right?
I mean, who's ever heard of a bean and cabbage diet? That just makes me
laugh. I have a sneaking suspicion this particular "myth" was
created by a sixth grader somewhere.
But it sure makes for good television.
The first step was to "capture a flatus" and have it analyzed,
to see if there are any actual lethal components to the average fart.
One of the Mythbusters, the guy with the horn rim glasses, stripped down
to a Canadian-style wiener-wrapper bathing suit (blecch) and sat in a
bathtub full of water. The other 'buster attached some sort of apparatus
to the tub, with a big fart-collecting funnel on the bottom. Then
everybody sat around waiting for the bubbles to commence. Oh, the
suspense was palatable.
Once they finally had a fart under glass, they rushed it to a laboratory
where it was, um, broken down by scientists. (I told you this was good.)
And it turned out there were trace amounts of three gases in
there that can literally kill a person.
The next step was to see
if beans and cabbage really make people more gassy. They did this by
asking three members of the staff to keep track of how many assplosions
they experienced in a given day. The numbers ranged from three (a girl),
all the way up to fifteen (Mr. Horn Rim again). Nobody asked, but all
the numbers seemed mighty low to me. What are your feeling on this?
Then they went on the diet and reported back. This meeting featured a
person uttering the phrase, "6:17 am: good long brap, followed by
two pops." I couldn't believe what I was seeing.... Back during the
Brady Bunch days they weren't even allowed to show a toilet on
TV. Now it's good long braps?? I'm sorry, I'm getting a little
emotional here.
Bottom line? All three increased their flatulence substantially. One was
all the way up to thirty-some farts per day. Or as it's commonly known:
the real world.
So they built a replica of the tiny apartment and began pumping in the
three gases, one by one, to see how much it would take to reach a lethal
level.
And when it was all said and done, they calculated that a person would
have to lie in bed and fart continuously, almost in a non-stop open-ass
flow, for about twenty-three years.
See what you guys are missing by working for a living?
-- This baseball card was supposedly
Photoshopped "as a joke" by an employee of Topps, then
accidentally released to the public. As you can see, the Prez is in the
box seats (standing extra-tall). and Mickey Mantle is chilling in the
dugout. Publicity stunt? Of course it is.
-- Here's a fortune I found in
my cookie a few days ago. It's the best news I've received in months.
-- This is reportedly the Surf
Report's ranking around the world. We're fucking huge in Romania.
-- And finally, here's some ultra-rare
video footage of me watching The
Aristocrats a few nights ago.
--
I've been watching a show called Mythbusters with the oldest
Secret. ....You know, seeing as how I've got a little extra time on my
hands. I was aware of the program, knew the general idea behind it, but
had never actually seen it until recently. And it's pretty darn good.