--A few days ago my cell phone rang, and it was a number I
didn’t recognize.I
considered just letting it go to voicemail but, curious, I finally
answered on the third or fourth ring.
And it was some husky-voiced woman from an outfit called
Pennsylvanian’s For Obama.Or
something along those lines.Without
hesitating, she launched into her scripted spiel.Obama this, and Obama that.Obama
needs your support…There’s
building excitement in the state, and we’re all shitting our pants
over here…
This kind of thing irritates me, even under normal circumstances.But this chick was burning up my airtime minutes, on top of
everything else.
“Whoa!Hold up!!”I began shouting, but she continued to talk.She invited me to a rally and a Spaghetti Feed for Change, or
somesuch.And she simply
wouldn’t yield the floor.
Now pissed, I started getting mildly sarcastic and insulting with my
hollerings:
“Listen lady, I don’t know who you think you are, calling here
and interrupting Raymond
with your canned speech…This
is my favorite episode, where Robert starts talking like a black
person, and I don’t appreciate having political propaganda shoved
into the middle of it…Plus,
this is my cell phone, and have you ever tried throat
lozenges?…”
Then I realized I was yelling at a recording.
--The floor of our local
Burger King collapsed a few months ago.I think there was a catastrophic sewer failure in the middle
of the night, and the whole joint almost got sucked under the
ground.
So they tore it down, and built a new one.And it’s a funny thing…I’ve
always disliked Burger King; they seem to be populated with
criminals and scumbags, and there are more reasons to be worried
about filth there than at most other fast food joints, I believe.The food is OK (I guess), but the atmosphere turned me off,
big time.
But this fancy new BK is making me re-think all that.Gone is the nasty-ass smoking section, filled with
tired-looking women in acid-wash denim jackets, and Elton John
glasses.And gone is the
depressing brownness
of the place; now it’s white and bright, and clean-looking.Heck, even the employees seem to be a little less…
murderous.
And since the overhaul, Burger King is now on my list of
possibilities.Yeah, old
habits die hard, but I find myself considering it now, when I need
a fast blast of fat.For the
last twenty years it was automatically canceled-out when I saw their
sign, and now it's all starting to change.
It’s a new day.
--Speaking of nasty-ass,
does it seem like every single person is sick where you live?Sweet sainted mother of Wink Martindale, the entire world is
coughing and gasping and hacking…And
it’s not just a dry-throat cough, this shit is chunky and wet, and
coming from somewhere way down near the intestines.
Everywhere I go, folks are, without warning, unleashing these
terrifying lung-rumbling explosions, which almost cause me to duck
and cover.What’s the
story??Does it have
something to do with terrorism?
--I’ve been meaning to
bring this up, but keep forgetting:what
is Elmo?What is that thing,
anyway?A cat?A ferret? I can’t figure it out.And why can’t they control his epilepsy?This is 2008, after all.
--A few of the celebrities
I’ve seen around town lately:The
principal on Beavis and Butthead, Divine, Ricky Gervais, Sam
Donaldson, Hazel’s boss “Mr. B.,” and John McCain. Well, I’m
pretty sure it was them…
--A few of the white trash
phrases I’ve overheard lately:waterbed,
pit (short for pitbull), lift (in this case short for weight lift,
not lift-kit, as in “Do you lift?”), settlement (“When I get
my settlement, I’m gonna…”), and “If I see my ex’s
girlfriend at the bar tonight, somebody’s
gonna die. And she ain’t worth it.”
--And speaking of phrases,
somebody sent me one a few days ago, apparently as a suggestion for
a proposed Surf Report coffee mug of the murky future:“TheWVSR.com: It’s like being with family, only
better!”
I like the sentiment, but think it might be a bit much.I also have an idea for a coffee mug catchphrase (which I’m
going to keep to myself for the time being), but would like to get
your input.
I’m picturing these things with the Fish and the URL on one side,
and a “clever” saying on the other.So what should the saying be?Use the comments link below, if you’ve got anything on this
one.
--Will, the Keeper of the
Blanket, has made a few additions to his ongoing list, and you can
read them here.As always,
the new ones are at the top.
Thanks Will!I don’t even
remember writing half that stuff.
--And finally, we’ve got a
fresh dispatch from our good friend Chris, AKA the Angry White Guy.Right here.He seems
to be a tad agitated…
That’s all I’ve got for you guys today.No regular update tomorrow… but Surf Report VIPs just
mightreceive something in their email.So keep yer eyes open.
