February 7, 2008

HOW WAS YOUR CHRISTMAS?

Thanks for asking! The damper on my holiday was that the Sarasota Trolley, a local entity that drives around 30 people at a time to look at Christmas lights, tore the entire side off of my car on Christmas Eve. I was not there, but my wife called me with the news. I drove out there, ready to beat the ass of the driver, only to find out it was an 80 year old guy with coke-bottle glasses. The witnesses on the trolley probably would not have taken my side had I beat the guy to a pulp. But, imagine owning the ugliest car in America, the Pontiac Aztek, and having a four foot wide hand rip the entire side off of it. This is what it looks like. And now, six weeks later, it's not repaired in it's entirety. Axle damage and many mechanical things shaken loose. Anyway, the uncertainty of it all sort of destroyed the happy feeling one should have at Christmas and I'm not over it yet. 

THE UPCOMING ELECTION

Why isn't Obama traveling in a bulletproof Popemobile? You know what's coming. Cooter Joe Tucker is just plannin' that sasinashun attemp' right now. I really feel bad for this guy and hope that's not the case, but I feel like whoever he chooses for his running mate will be in charge by mid 2009. Now that Edwards has left, the Obama/Edwards ticket is just an announcement away. Once Cooter Joe puts his plan in action, The 400 dollar haircut guy will be president by mid-2009. I don't know what the future holds, but I am concerned about it. I don't want my kids seeing assassinations on television like I did when I was a kid. However, just keep that post menopausal woman out of there, with an unfinished agenda, and we should be OK. 

THE JOB

How's working for Satan going? Thanks for asking. This guy is as whacked out as the pointy haired boss...looks like him and is now threatening to fire the other people in the office and keep me. Now, how much shit will I take from Satan if this is the case? About a half sentence worth, if it all falls on me. As we know from previous writings, I hurled about 35 boxes of files from the last asshole that I worked for into the Sarasota County landfill, back in 1999. Deleting half this guy's files stored on the computer shouldn't be too hard, should that need arise.

AGING

Gotta admit, I am not aging gracefully. The beard is half gray, the knees ache after sitting more than a half hour, I am rapidly approaching 300 pounds (again) after taking it down to 220. My eyesight and hearing suck ass. However, I still have a full head of hair, I have the strength of ten men and my woo-hoo is still as strong as ever. Pushing 50 is an enigma that I have been anticipating for years, and now that I am close, are the aches and maladies I am feeling normal. Anybody else close, or have you gone through it? Let me know what else I can expect at soboone2003@yahoo.com. 

Reality TV

I don't think I have addressed this in a while, but the competition type reality TV never has the correct outcome. Examples" (Amer. Idol) Skippy Hicks is going nowhere fast. That fat sweaty black dude (Reuben?) should be dead within a couple of years. (Last Comic) Jon (funny as herpes) Reep won, under the Foxworthy rule, stating that a redneck can make fun of rednecks and be successful. (Amer. Got Talent) The ventriloquist won. How many ventriloquists are successful nowadays? The runner up was a guy who could step and and be the new singer for Sublime, but supposedly, America chose the fucking voice thrower. This will never end, as it's cheaper for the networks to produce and there are no Seinfelds, Raymonds or NYPD Blues on the horizon. I have grown to hate television, and with the exception of kid's programming, I do not watch it anymore. Is there a good non-pay channel show that I am missing? I had to drop the movie channels to pay for gas. Let me know.

GUITAR HERO

As did Mr. Kay, I splurged for the Guitar Hero game for my oldest secret. It IS demoralizing, once you get past the easy songs. My son wants to give it up. I tend to want to agree. It has no redeeming qualities, doesn't really teach you how to play guitar and drills some really bad 80's songs into your head. However, it does teach you how to pose. Nothing looks more ridiculous than a guy pretending to play a guitar that has never handled one before. This game shows you how to do it.

Another game that my son has unfortunately got into is DDR or Dance Dance Revolution, or, as I call it, the Big Gay Dance Game. I cringe every time I have to watch him dance to this game. Is that wrong? He likes sports, boobs and 1500 calorie cheeseburgers, just like me. I don't think I have to worry about him bringing Chuck home for dinner in the near future. But it's a dance game. I don't know.

AKS MILES

Aks Miles was always a favorite of everyone several years back. Let's do it again for the new crop. Therefore, we summon the ghost of the brilliant racist black trumpeter, Miles Davis, for a quick quiz.

(To be read in a deep, bad ass, cool Roscoe Lee Browne voice)

"You is runnin' fo' the Prezdency of the Yoonited States. You got some opponents that tends to git under yo' ebony skin. You even gots Oprah an' dat slackass Dr. Phil in yo' corner. Howe're, they is still some naysayahs out dare that sez a black man can't be Prezdent or owns a suitcase. Whut do you do? Whut do you do?

Do you:

A. Pick Tiger Woods as yo runnin mate an' really piss the rednecks off?
B. Take dat bitch Hilary and bend her ober da podium an' take her like the Mandingo Warrior dat you are?
OR
C. Choke a white man?

Th' answer is simple. If you pick Tiger fo' yo' runnin' mate, you have no more bruthas left to dominate the last unconquered sportin' (sort of) activity. You will be doin' detrimental harm to th' game o' golf. Bendin' Hilary ober da podium might be a li'l scary. Hilary may bend Miles ober da podium and shove her Mandingo pole up his ass instead. The correc' answer is "C", as, no matter how many peoples tells ya a man'o'color cannot even run a rest'rant, you receive no greatest satsfacshun than the thrill of chokin' whitey. Miles sez Mitt Romney will fill dat void jus' fine.

Thanks fo' playin.

AND FINALLY

Since we are bringing back Miles, we might as well pull out some of the early decade stuff and call it "WORST OF THE ANGRY WHITE GUY" (with edits) today, we give you.....

DIETING

OK, it's been a month and a half since New Year's Eve, and if you are like the rest of the nation, you have broken, or at least seriously bent, your resolutions by now. Resolutions are predictable and boring, and besides, my resolutions are to win the lottery and anonymously fight crime. Anyway, I want to discuss the most broken resolution, the one about losing weight and getting into shape. It's never too late to lose that extra person you are carrying around inside your skin. If it's time to get back in shape and retain that 24 inch waist you had when you were eighteen, I have some hints for you.

A diet beverage, while a good start, should not be used to wash down a coffee cake. By the same token, SlimFast should not be used with butter pecan ice cream to make a frosty shake.

Exercise equipment is a good investment, but you have to actually use it. Unless you plan on bench pressing and dead lifting the box. you must unpack the equipment, put it together and use it.

Bad news, guys, Christie Brinkley will not be coming to your house and show you how to use the Total Gym-- Get over it.

It took us a long time to get out of shape and add that bulge. We will not lose the weight, build the pecs and ripple the abs after one day of trying our new toy. It will hurt like hell the next day and you will think you see results, but you won't. Set a routine and stick with it.

It is a basic principle of physics and biology, that in order to lose weight, you must burn more than you take in.

It's a simple rule, but there is no reason to go on the rice and collard greens diet. Fad diets rarely work, and the failure makes it easy to give up.

Treat yourself every now and then to your favorite "sin" food. The operative term is "now and then." If you like fried chicken, treat yourself ever couple of weeks, but not to the family sized bucket.

Suing fast food restaurants for making you non-petite will not help you lose weight, unless you run back and forth to the courthouse.

These are my hints, and for the most part, they have yet to work for me.

Please remember that I am not a doctor, but I do play one on TV. And remember, no wagering.


See ya next time