Holy
crap in a Bundt pan...
Due to the
recent well-publicized shortage of
amateur websites produced by assholes who consider themselves to be
clever, I
have been called into action. My name is Jeff Kay, and I’m an
Ugly American living
on the cusp of a mid-life crisis, near Scranton, PA. And I’m here to
serve, baby.
The
State of My Fat Ass A journal of
sorts, updated every once in a while.
--
When I was in Atlanta I shared an office with two other guys. One day we
were sitting at our desks working, when an unknown 400 lb woman rolled
in. She stood in the doorway, blocking light on all four sides, and
said, "Excuse me. Are there any Cheech & Chong aficionados in
here?" I just thought you'd want to know.
-- The youngest Secret was planning to have a friend over after school a
few days ago, and wanted to show him the PS2 game called Bully.
That's the one, you might remember, that I briefly confiscated, because
it features savage beatings with baseball bats and whatnot. But you know
how those kiddie konfiscations go....
Toney thought she'd better talk to the boy's mother first, and make sure
she didn't have a problem with him playing it. The mother asked,
"Is that one of those games with lots of violence, and all sorts of
horrible stuff?" Toney said yeah. And the mother answered, "No
problem then! He loves that kind of thing."
-- Buck sent me this link yesterday, about a planned "party
deck" at the new fancy-pants baseball stadium in Charleston. Here's
how the conversation went after that:
Jeff: How long before somebody plunges to their death from that
so-called party deck?
Buck: Only you could read that story and go, "Holy shit what if
somebody gets drunk and tumbles to the concrete below." Good grief,
you've become a grandmother!
Jeff: I'm not worried about it, I just know it'll happen. I grew up in
that place, remember. At the very least they'll have to hire a full-time
vomit steward to clean off the grass in right field.
Buck: HA!!!!! Already, just at the mere thought of a new job, they
received 15 applications!!!
-- I'm having fun with my new space over at MySpace. While I slept last
night the Buzzcocks and the Beautiful South approved me as their friend.
(I'm sorry, I'm getting a little emotional here....) And Elvis Costello
and I are now buddies as well. In my fantasy world Elvis himself debated
and finally accepted my invitation. While wearing his King of America
crown.
But
how's this for a kick to the luggage? I was DENIED by Phil Hendrie. I've
been a one-man Hendrie hype-machine for years now, and he turns me
down?? Man, I was pissed, until I took a good look at his
"friends," and saw that they're all chicks, most with
comically-oversized breasts. Whew! I'm so relieved it was only
gender-based discrimination, and nothing personal.
I've also been corresponding with a few folks through the swirling pit
of chaos that is MySpace, and learned that one of our regular Surf
Reporters is married to a guy I used to buy music from, years ago, at
Budget Tapes and Records. That information blew my mind a little.... As
one of our great philosophers said, it's a small world, but I'd hate to
paint it.
Request me as a friend, if you haven't already, and I'll promptly
accept. There will be no tit-based redlining at my page, thank
you very much.
-- Speaking of music, I was flipping through the channels last night,
hoping for the best, when I came across the Goo Goo Dolls performing
live on QVC(!?). I was a fan of those guys, back when they were an
obscure Replacements-wannabe punk band touring the country in a
beat-to-shit van, etc. In fact, I saw them several times during the
early days, at a tiny club in Atlanta called The Point, and there was
usually about thirty people in the audience. I thought they were great,
and played a cassette copy of this album every day for months.
Now they're (former?) big stars, rocking out on QVC for my elderly
aunts, right before the Bass Loafer Winter Event kicks off. Or whatever. It's
a sad state of affairs....
-- Lucie sent me this and it made me laugh, so I thought I'd share.
-- I can't remember where I came across this
one, but it's pretty
interesting as well.
-- And I need to go now, but want to try something before I do. If
you'll indulge me for a few seconds, I'd like to experiment with the
power of persuasion. Please clear your mind, and pay special attention
to what you're about to read. Then, if you wouldn't mind, I'd be much
obliged if you could report the results in the comments section below.
I'm very interested in the outcome of this scientific study. Ready?
YOU HAVE TO PEE. IT'S URGENT, YOU MUST PEE STRAIGHT AWAY. I MEAN, RIGHT
FREAKIN' NOW.
Did anything happen? If not, give it a few seconds... And tell us about it, won't you?
--
When I was in Atlanta I shared an office with two other guys. One day we
were sitting at our desks working, when an unknown 400 lb woman rolled
in. She stood in the doorway, blocking light on all four sides, and
said, "Excuse me. Are there any Cheech & Chong aficionados in
here?" I just thought you'd want to know.